Help - Advice Needed.

Hi.

First post and Im really looking for some helpful advice.

My wife and I have been together for nearly 8 years and have been married for almost 6.

We have two children, 10 and 4. The eldest is from a previous relationship but the Dad has not seen his child for 7 years.

We moved from our roots just over 4 years ago and in order that the bills could be paid etc, I found a night job.

Then my wife wanted to return to work and she found herself an afternoon job.

A year later she wanted to go full time and I agreed that I would look after our youngest until he outgrew his daytime sleeps.

He went to a childminder from 2 years and then to a nursery until now where he is at pre-school.

He starts full time infants in September.

In the meantime, my wife has now changed jobs again and this means that I have to take the children to school as well as pick up. I had to change my hours so I could do this.

My wifes hours are 8am to 430pm
My hours are 7pm to 3am

I ensure that dinner is on the table by 520pm and that the house is semi tidy. I also do some household duties.

Our time together is very limited but I have Thursdays and Fridays off.

However, 2 months ago she started going to the Gym before work so she now gets up at 530am. The knock on effect of this is that she now wants to be in bed for 9pm.

Life in the bedroom has been non existant since she got her new job last July.

Then two weeks back she hit me with the bombshell...

"Its over. I dont love you anymore. I dont find you attractive" followed by..

"You (I) havent changed my job, I havent learned to drive. You dont show me any affection anymore and I am constantly moody"

I am awake for 20 hours a day so surely I can be forgiven for being tired.
I havent changed my job otherwise we would be paying for childcare.
I dont need to learn to drive!!

I told her that I can change these things. Our youngest will be in full time education from September so after school care will be cheaper.

She is also approaching 30 (im 35) and she has never really done the "going out thing". She wants to change everything - doesnt like her car , the house and is always having hair cut or fake tans etc.

She is also mixing with her new friends at work a lot and she has said that there is no one else.

We are still civil, still living in the same house and still in the same bed.

Im lost though, I love my wife. She says she doesnt know how she can get her love back but is not willing to try. She is that adamant its over that she has told everyone including our eldest.

HELP! Any advice would be appreciated.

Hi and Welcome 5573,

It sound sas if your wife is having an 'early mid-life' crisis. She is wondering what her life is all about compared to the seemingly happy-go-lucky people she sees around her and her make-overs are about changing herself in an attempt to change her life.

You say she is adamant about it being over, well I would say that may what she thinks but not what she really feels.

It may be that she feels despair at the thought of being tied into a life without social life and rails at you because you are the easiest target, not her choices and not her job and not your children.

This is all emotion based and dealing with it rationally and sensibly by, for instance, giving her space and somehow making time for her to get out and have a social life will only drive the two of you further apart.

You say you love her, well fight for her. Do the things she cares about, eg learn to drive. You have to woo her again. Try to get time together by having a baby sitter take care of the kids and get out, take up a pastime enjoyable to you both; bowling, ball-room dancing, go-karting, bridge, whatever!

Unfortunately it is not going to be easy, but then if it is worth fighting for then do it!

If there is anything about you that you suspect is particularly unattractive to her then make the effort to change it, lose weight, dress smartly for her and your own sense of worth but ablove all, listen to her and make note of what she says. Like anyone she wants to be valued and have a full life and feels that it isn't happening with you.

Oh, also be prepared for a lot of hard knocks along the way, but perservere because the fact that you do will show her, even if she doesn't believe what you say, that you care.

Be honest with yourself and Good luck.

I can't add a lot more, but I do know how you must be feeling.

There is nothing worse than being bombed with a bombshell like this and its very hard when your partner seems adament that its non salvageable.

It may take a long time but be guided by your gut feeling and talk away on here, it will help.

I hope things get better for you

Hi 5573,
it sounds to me as if you have done a wonderful job but with a lot of compromising on your part in order that she could fulfil her own ambitions.Have you always made these sacrifices for her? Have you ever said no?
You seem to be doing everything and in a modern marriage it isn't a fair deal.Do you ever get your supper cooked for you? and you should definately get more sleep.
It sounds as if because you love her you have given in to her every request.Cannot see how learning to drive would help( if you were even able to fit it into your busy life)You can't keep giving in it's emotional blackmail but I can see that you feel you have to because now she says she's not happy and wants out because of the reasons you gave, so now you feel you have to give more.
Where will it all end, you can only give so much and she is doing all the taking.you need to sit down and talk, maybe persuade her to go with you to counselling.get some balance back into your marriage where you both get some "me time".
Her telling the kids could be her way of piling on the guilt to get her own way.this is only what I think as there is a similar situation going on in my own family and it is tearing a very close relative of mine apart.I can't say this to my close relative as he would be mortified as we are so close but I see him suffering just as you are now because you love your wife too much and it's destroying you.

Hi there 5573,
A lot of this stuck home as simliar to my STBXW, her problem with me is always made up of things that I don't need to change or are so trivial thatt you can not even remember them. SHe wants to be this new stronger, indepentant women, gym, back to work (hasn't been there for 3 years as we decided it would be better to bring our kids up ourselfs) spending money she hasn't got, always wanting something else, something better.
SOmetime you just have to let it go and move on, this doesn't help when ourother halfs can not tell us what their own problems are but know exactly what our problems are?
Be fair, and fight for it but don't get sh!T on.

Thanks for your replies.

I appreciate the advice.

The problem Ive got is that she is totally adamant that its over and will not even try to make it work.

Everything I do I get a "you dont have to do that" reply.

If I bring up the topic, I get this "We are NOT getting back together" response, so I wont put any pressure on.

She's still living with me and I still provide her with dinner and my routine has remained the same.

She wants to rent a room in the house next door!! I asked how would that work..

Her response was "I'll sleep on the couch until I get back in @ 3am ish and then I'll go next door until I get up @ 5.30am"

Right!

Shall I just let her do what she wants?
Shall I keep doing her dinner etc?

Its not in my nature to get nasty and dont really want to.

Im at a loss!

5573,

I don't know if it is helpful, but from the outside looking in, she needs to get in touch with the real world.

I can see parallels with my own relationship, in that we met when she was 18 and were together a long time. My wife DID have her own space to go and do her thing early in our realtionship, but 'post children', her wings were clipped somewhat. I get the feeling your wife is looking to have a more 'independant' lifestyle and taking influence from her colleagues at work.

I too got the 'I don't love you' speech. I also got theroller shutter door, brick wall, barbed wire fence and machine guns approach from my wife when I tried to open discussions. She had made up her mind. However, she hadn't thought it all through properly. She was fearful of the consequences of her actions, but determined to see it through. She was also a little surprised that I wasn't willing to carry on doing all the things I had done through our married life together.

Perhaps it would be helpful to try to get her to marriage guidance like Relate. Don't try to do it under the auspices of saving your relationship. She will just blank it. Realate also help with things like the fallout from separation, parenting, how to deal with the children etc.

Perhaps when she starts to discuss the hard details of what this would mean, she may see that it is not such a fantastic idea after all.

As to yourself. I would simply stop doing things for her for the time being. It is hard to do. But she needs to understand what she has, and what she might be throwing away. Make her do more. Find reasons for you not to be there so that she has to take and fetch the children once or twice.

Seems a bit harsh, but I feel that she is in a bit of a fantasy bubble and needs to come back to planet earth.

Best of luck

Mike