Help - Advice Needed.

5573,
I am sorry to hear that. I am glad to hear that the children are your no 1 priority, but try not to shut the door completely on your wife. Se is still the children's mother and how you behave in the next few days and weeks will set the tone for the future. Hard as it is, you still need to maintain contact and speak to her. Be the bigger person. Show her how she should be behaving by example. I know how hard that will be, but your children will thank you for it later.
Mike

Hi,

We went to counselling on the basis that we should not separate without knowing we had given it a shot. We have both found out things from counselling - and are still a work in progress.

It makes me exhausted just reading what you do - it sounds like you need time out - find a way to get away.

Dads

Hi,

Your post was very hard to read as my situation was very similar.

I have done everything fo rmy children from day one and my ex wife did very little. Ultmately my ex wife now lives with the man she had an affair with and i have the children with me.

My view is she wanted her magical new life so she can go and get on with it. She has since learnt that her actions have consequences and our daughter has very little time for her. She can now go out every night if she so chooses but i have my children.

Two years on i have a wonderful girlfriend my two kids and my gf's 2. Life is never dull. I have also learnt how a proper mother behaves and have the family i always wanted. Its very raw in the beginning and she still impacts on my life as shes not a nice person. She will always be the childrens mother but children when you have them, as far as i'm concerned. become your main priorty. My ex had difficulty understanding this and so she has what she wanted but so do i my friend, so do I.

BD

Hi
I'm so sorry to hear the desperation in your messages. You'll probably not like what I'm about to say.

Whether you like it or not your wife moved out in her own mind a long time ago. Nothing you do or say will change that. The reason I can say this is there is so much of what you have said that mirrored my own situation very recently.

What you need to do is set some goround rules immediately. I, like you, said that because our lives were so inter linked that a separation was impossible. Its now been 6 months and my divorce will be finalised in 2 weeks. My wife like yours was having an affair which was about 6 weeks old when I found out. I threw her out took her car away stopped all her credit cards which I paid for, gave her a reality check.

I now have the children who are the most important part of my life, the house, the car, the bank account and my sanity back. She has him. I know who has the best deal, my wife told my children there was no way back but it didn't stop me trying and getting slapped in the face for it, just like you now. Oh yes, it'll be your fault too as its my fault my wife is where she is.

No matter how you feel, put the children first, take away her priveleges, don't let her have the penny and the bun, I tried it and it was painful beyond belief. The first loss is the best loss. You can come through this better and stronger as a family. My children now say that their mother isn't family anymore, not my doing, far from it I've tried to get them to build a relationship with their mother but they don't want to. Visits are becoming less frequent, she has nothing in common with any of us now and its only been since last Boxing Day.

You can do it but at the moment you're trying to cling to something thats not there. Put the children and yourself first in that order and you'll get through it. I was married for 28 years been with her for 31 years but she chucked it for 6 weeks. Fine move on.

Sorry I can't be as positive as some of the other respondents.

I wish you and your family good luck but I don't think you'll need it as you sound to be a very special dad.