Numb - don't feel anything, don't know why?

Hi,

As a man it seems weird as I have a beautiful lovely caring wife who cares well for me and my son. We could so easily have been 'happy' together for ever. However somewhere in the past 7 1/2 years of being together I have become numb to her (to life?). I don't seem to love (or hate) anything. Just some awful middle ground.

I can look at her and see she is beautiful and know she is good for my son and I know that a together family is best for all..... but for a number of months (years?) I just don't want to be in this relationship. And now I have pushed us to the edge of separation. We don't fight, but don't have much passion either. Actually never really did.

I work in a stale corporate environment and wonder if 60 hours a week for 10+ years has had its effect on me. I recall seeing a movie called Lantana in which Anthony LaPaglia's character has an affair and his wife asks why. He says cause he was numb and didn't feel anything and wanted to see if with someone else he would, but he didn't. I'm not saying I want to have an affair, I've never been one to double dip. But it really does trouble me that in my head it all should be perfect but I just don't feel anything. And I am the instigator in a break up that years from now I know I'll most likely regret, but to feel anger, sadness, or whatever would be better than this awful 'nothing' I feel at moment.

this has really upset my wife. Assuming its over she said that she wants to maybe start seeing other people and I was not even upset or jealous or anything. "OK, I hope you find someone nice was all I thought". I know the laws of attraction are strange and maybe that's it. Maybe my head says I should be in love with her but my heart just doesn't. I care about her more than anyone else but romantically it just doesn't feel right. how did I get here?

This is truly bizarre and from the outside looking in I'm sure I would have an opinion.

Is this just me or has someone else out there felt the same?

Thanks for getting this far in my ramblings....

Your perspective appreciated.

ceebee

hi CB

having just read your post you seem so sad and i just had to reply.

im so sorry your going through this and its hard...

you seem to work all the hours god sends and dont appear to have "me time"....

60 hours a week is almost double what most people work...i think..

maybe if you gave yourself some time out it might help you realise what you want from life, whether it be her or not...and by time out i mean dont work so hard...do things if you can for you, that you enjoy...

maybe even start doing things together it might help...it might not just trying to open up the options for you i guess.

the one thing i would say and i think this is so important,(having been on the receiving end) is that you have to communicate with her, try and be honest and open and talk things through..not sure obviously if you have or are doing this but it might get things into perspective for her aswell as you.

also writing down how your feeling might help..it did me and once i started writing i couldnt stop...someone else told me to do this...

im not sure this will help at all, but one things for sure this site has got me passed the last week and without it im not sure where i would be now...so im sure that by coming here someone somewhere will be able to help you...

take care cb....

Daisy

Hiya,

I am really sorry to hear that you are going through this.

If i may i'd like to make a comment:

You need to ask yourself what the opposite of love is? Many people will say hate, but that is incorrect, as it still denotes some sort of powerful feeling.

The opposite of love is in fact indifference. If you are indifferent to someone's emotional or physical feelings, their wants their needs, and especially if you are indifferent to someone else in their life, you are certainly not in love any more. That is not to say you do not love them as the mother of your children. It simply states that you no longer love that person with whom you'd like to make a difference.

I hope that this goes a little way to explaining the lack of emotions you are currently feeling.

If you want it back, you'll have to work at it, as your partner seems to. Only you can make that call, however be fair on yourks and partner by making the decison fairly.

Cheers

I'm glad you realise that the answer isn't with another woman because you're bored with your wife. I'd address the other issues that are causing a problem for you. Working long hours in a corporate environment is not good for the Soul.
You could be going through a classic Mid-Life crisis; whereby you start to question everything, and put blame on everything else: work, wife etc.

You could also address the issue that you possibly have unrealistic ideas about love. Some times marriages are left 'flat' after the obvious honeymoon period is over. Some men no longer have much sexual interest once they see their wives as 'mothers'. You should both try Relate before deciding to go down the Divorce path. If she's hurting, and you're unsure: then there's still hope.

I wish you well in finding yourself and rediscovering your marriage. Divorce the job - before you divorce your family!

Sera
x

that was hard to read.you should take time away from your children and your work,just you and your wife spend sometimes together before you decide to do anything.you need to rediscover your relationship pre chidren and financial comitment.somewhere along the way we do lose focus.
all the best

Hi,

thanks for all your input. Some great ideas there that are worth a shot.

Will take some time away to myself. Haven't had that since we met (not even with the lads).
Am probably going through a mid-life crisis (but in my mid 30's oh dear) as am reassessing work etc as well but haven't bought a red sports car yet.

I got onto this via a friend who had something similar and attributes it to saving his marriage. There is a questionaire also by Willard Harley but he's still searching for this. Website is...

www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html


Let's see what transpires.

thanks

bc

ceebee,

I think you posted this is in the right section, you have the classic signs of someone with clinical depression. Yr wife and family cant make you happy if you are unable to feel happy with your life. You are right to look for help, you are also right to recognise that if this causes the end of yr relationship you may very well end up regretting it by the time you re-connect with your emotions.

Dont buy the sports car buy yourself 12 sessions of person centred counselling (not relationship counselling) just start with yourself and give yourself an hour a week focussing on what you want out of yr life. It might not change things drastically but you will end up with a clearer picture of what you want and why. You have a child you owe it to him to make sure whatever life changing decisions happen right now you know exactly why you made them. Take it from someone who knows, once you break it, its not always put it back together. You took the first step expressing yr feelings I hope you can find the answers you need. Good luck Rasher