Anyone want to swap brains?!

The brain is such a complex beast at times and it really annoys me!

I am trying so hard to be neutral in my dealings with my STBX but I find it ever so hard.

This last week he is being so nice it''s unreal! My immediate reaction is to think ''what''s he covering for or feeling guilty about'' and I hate myself for doing this!

I also don''t want to be in the house when he pops in. Last night I made sure I was out as I didn''t want to see him. I get so sad and angry when I see him.

I want to ask him why he has lied to me and I feel sad that I no longer trust him and have these horrible thoughts. But I know that ultimately it won''t get me anywhere, but I am such an open person who likes to talk and get things sorted

I don''t think it''s helping as a certain day is approaching on Sunday and I have convinced myself that he will be wining and dining another - which of course is perfectly within his remit! I think it''s that he stands there and professes his innocence and that how dare I question his integrity etc

Anyone else have these stupid irrational thoughts and ways of thinking?

I need to go back over Marshy''s words and try to get them to sink in!

Hi Moo Too
I have days I''d just like to be able to twitch my brain off, even in sleep mode it carries on. I have an ''amicable'' relationship with my stbx but I hate that he''s changed my way of thinking. I question (in my head) what he''s said and his motives....and other people too. I guess when they''ve lied to us and deceived us the way they have, we have every right to question their motives - and to prevent being taken for a fool again that we should be less trusting. Hopefully it doesn''t mean that somewhere down the line we won''t be able to regain our trust in people.
I too am very open, but know he doesn''t want to be that way, he does occasionally answer specifics but his whole body language says how uncomfortable he is.
These situations really are difficult but we just have to find what works for us. Certainly by reading all these posts there (sadly) isn''t a one size that fits all.
Big hugs & take care

Thanks Still Me. I am sure as the days go by the feelings will subside and I will be able to control my need to question his lies.

I have hurt him and of that I am not proud as it''s me that wants the divorce and it''s me that leading up to the separation treated him coldly but I can''t help that I still have an attachment. After all 20 years is a long time to be with someone.

I too know that my brain is going hell for leather in my sleep (what little I get!) as I am waking up with clenched teeth - which is a sign that I am stressing!

I am trying to take the stance that I just need to put on an act and simply be civil and not enter into any unnecessary conversation with him. I can question him etc etc but to what gain?

Hope your ability to trust comes back one day too x

MooToo wrote:

Anyone else have these stupid irrational thoughts and ways of thinking?

Yes of course. And some. We all do. But some of us learned to play poker

May help you to read a book called "The Chimp Paradox". This will go a long way to describing to you why you do the things you do. It explains it all in a simple way.

I am not going to paraphrase the book to you. You need to read it to understand what I am on about. Essentially we have a part of our brains called the chimp. And another part called the computer. The chimp is fast and powerful. The computer (you) is slow and weak. But the chimp often says and does the wrong thing. Because its quick and powerful it gets in before the computer (you) does. You can control your inner chimp. But you need to learn to work with it and keep it calm. And you do this by having pre-programmed responses to things. So the chimp cant just blurt it out when it should have kept silent.

When you snap at someone. Thats the chimp. When you talk and act in a measured way, thats the computer.

Many dis the chimp. But the chimp is there to save your life. Only problem is that need is not required very often. And its not needed here. But the chimp is running riot here. Remember when I spoke about rehearsing feelings to scenarios that you may face? What this actually does is give the chimp a reaction when it asks the computer what to do to a scenario it has never faced before. In other words, you pre-load responses to scenario''s. And the chances are that you will not do and say the wrong thing because the chimp will not get in 1st because the computer has given it a response.

Many people wonder why and how some people always do and say the right thing. Some are good actors. But some understand how the chimp and computer work and how to control the chimp.

When your ex is nice to you, this confuses the chimp as he should not be nice. He should have his chimp out (also known as getting the chimp out) and this makes the chimp suspicious. And hence why you feel this way.

Read the book. It will all become clear.

Your not a couple and he doesnt have to justify himself to you. And you need to tell your chimp this. But its really hard to disconnect your feelings and your instinct.
But understand that this is the hardest thing you will ever do. Its worth remembering that.

No one is an expert at this. And no one sails through this process easily. But the key moment for you is when you part company. Then you wont see what he is up to. Out of site out of mind. But then comes the pain shopping (facebook) (as shoes calls it) and it all starts again. But thats another bridge to cross and we will cross it with you when you get there. Bet your wishing you didnt start this now?

Sometimes people ask me if they should enter into this action. I always advise them no to. But if they are adamant then I say go ahead. But I tell them "it will be hard". Hard is not a long enough or big enough word for it really.

But this is your turf. These are your battle lines. And its all with yourself. You and your chimp.

Lastly. The chimp paradox is a good book. And its entertaining and funny and informative. But its simplistic. And life (and people) are way more complicated than that. Just dont base your life on it. Its not a life changer. No book is ever going to do that. But it may get you over the bump in the road that you have. And if it does that then its worth the read and the cover price. Marshy.

MooToo wrote:

Thanks Still Me. I am sure as the days go by the feelings will subside and I will be able to control my need to question his lies.

So lets focus on the lies. Your confusing him with someone that your in a relationship with. On the one hand your saying 20 years and in the other you want him out of your life. No wonder its confusing. Perhaps it would help if you actually decided what you wanted. You cant have the penny and the bun. One or the other.

But your bound to be in conflict. You just need to burn into yourself that your not a couple anymore. Thats gone and as you have stated before, he can do what he wants.

But he is not mandated to tell you anything. And maybe he knows how to push your buttons. I must admit that I did the same. I worked out what would hurt my ex and did that to her. Ok I suffered for it. But it was worth it. Inflicting pain on someone that is hurting you feels like justice. Especially in situations like this. Ok maybe I had more reason than he does. She actually dumped me for someone else. And I wanted her to pay for that.

But you can decide how you feel. You dont have to be hurt by his lies. After all. There your feelings. You own them. So you can do what you want with them. Marshy.

Marshy_ wrote:

MooToo wrote:

Anyone else have these stupid irrational thoughts and ways of thinking?

Yes of course. And some. We all do. But some of us learned to play poker

May help you to read a book called "The Chimp Paradox". This will go a long way to describing to you why you do the things you do. It explains it all in a simple way.

Ironically I''ve just got a copy of it before seeing your reply Marshy! Have to admit though that I''m struggling to get into it, I''m not so great with all the analogies Will give it another shot.

Marshy_ wrote:

MooToo wrote:

Thanks Still Me. I am sure as the days go by the feelings will subside and I will be able to control my need to question his lies.

So lets focus on the lies. Your confusing him with someone that your in a relationship with. On the one hand your saying 20 years and in the other you want him out of your life. No wonder its confusing. Perhaps it would help if you actually decided what you wanted. You cant have the penny and the bun. One or the other.

.

I''m in no doubt about what I want but I''m struggling with how blatantly he''s lying, even when questioned directly. It''s frustrating as he must think I''m stupid!

Whatever, I know I have to try and act rationally and calmly in his presence for the sake of getting through the next few months, but really all I want to do is tell him he''s not fooling me and I know he''s a liar! Won''t get me anywhere though I know.