Why her not me?

Hi Honeybees

Can''t remember exact story but read book which gave scenario (not true) of Ken and Barbie (as in dolls) -Ken cheated on Barbie with her identical twin sister. This helped me because whereas I had been pulling myself to pieces wondering why he had to go with other (much younger) women I realised, as others have said, the problem was with him, not me and whatever I did/didn''t do or however I looked it did not make any difference. I think, in the end he saw me as something of a mother figure, always dependable, always there. Interesting to hear Skyblues male perspective. Took me a long time and a lot of pain but now do value myself for who I am and accept the wrinkles and imperfections. Don''t beat yourself up -his loss -be the best person you can be for you.

honeybees wrote:

so what is it about her that is so special and me so not special?

I would love to get a mans perspective in this as I just don''t understand the thinking.

A mans perspective? I will try.

Like the other WV folk if I can just say. Nothing wrong with you sister.

As to why her not you? Viva la difference. Thats about it. Not because she is bigger or taller or smaller or shorter. Of course this is the wrong reasons for someone new. But hey.

On to the subject of the bedroom department. Someone once said to me. If you put a pebble in a jar everytime you made love for the 1st year and then in the second year and onwards took one out everytime, you would never empty that jar. What is supposed to happen is that love making becomes comfortable when you get to know someone. You each find out what each other likes and you do it less often. Quality rather then quantity. Its much nicer to eat a box of Thornton''s Belgium chocks rather then Milk Tray.

Everyone compares themselves to the ex''s new partner. Why them and not me? My ex''s OM was short fat and ugly. But she saw something in him. I suspect he represented her father who had died a few years before. Thats my theory. But she hated her father. Nowt as strange as folk. But is he a good catch? Was a serial cheat. Cheated on his wife at least 25 times. He used to hit her. Broke her collar bone and knocked her teeth out. Had committed road rage. One time on a man in his 70''s. Used to fight when out with his sons. Now you would ask why would someone trade me in for someone like that? Ok I am no oil painting. But I am steady. Reliable. Good choice for someone right? But thats not how people think. Perhaps she wanted a bit of rough. Someone she could fix. They often choose someone inappropriate. As I said. Nowt stranger then folk.

But look at this another way. Your ex has set you free. And essentially he has handed a decent women to your future partner. Your future partner one day may say, "Thanks very much mate". Perhaps your new partner will bake him a cake!!.

Lastly. Everything happens for a reason. The reason is often not obvious. Not at the time. Just bear this in mind. Marshy.

Hi honeybees,

Well, I''m not a man so I can not lend that perspective, but I can give you mine from where you are today to where I am nearly 6 years down the road.

I used to ask myself, and so did possibly many here on Wiki the same question. It went around in my head like a screaming banshee, it tormented me all the time and it became an Absolute waste of energy.

No matter what qualities you or she possess, you can not compare apples for apples, if it was handed to him on a plate, then the rest is history. My X had two on the go after we split, the one who he had been having an affair with during our marriage, and the one he has been with for the last 5 years. I have also been told that there have been a few others too. None of them know what he is up to, he is a wolf in sheeps clothing.

It is in him, it is part of his make up, it is the way he was built, it''s in his blood. No matter that I thought when we met that he was different with me, he could not help himself. I genuinely think for a time when our boys were young he settled down a bit, but as the years went on, day to day life got in the way and he went back into old habits. He loved the adoration of those who meant little or nothing to him, the ego stroking, the fact he portrayed ( and still to this day does) that he is the big I am. I could not change him, not after 20 years together, and I have realised nobody else will change him, regardless of what his new OW thinks, a leopard never changes its spots.

So what I am trying to say is that she may have other natural qualities that are different to yours, but he remains the same. You on the other hand possess knowledge, you have lived with him, you have seen him warts and all and you know what he is capable of. He has done you a favour, you can not see that now, but you will, in time.

My X had it all, a loving wife and children, a real genuine family. He was treated like royalty, to my own detriment, but he was. He did not want for anything really, except he could not empathise, nor lend support and a hand when things got tough, he took the cowards way out.

So his woman now, I can see it, she can''t just yet, but his marriage failed due to his adultery, his affair ended as the woman was after our cash, the woman whom he is with had a roof over her head, as he had nowhere else to go. He has never been out of a relationship since we split, he uses them, somewhere he can hang up his hat, nothing more. He is a very unhappy man from what I have been told, he lost it all, but she on the other hand ''thinks'' she has changed him... Best of luck to her....she has my blessing! Do I say now ''Why her not me?'' No I say ''Best of luck to her, I''m free''.

Take care for now FoS x

honeybees wrote:

so what is it about her that is so special and me so not special?

I would love to get a mans perspective in this as I just don''t understand the thinking.

A mans perspective? I will try.

Like the other WV folk if I can just say. Nothing wrong with you sister.

As to why her not you? Viva la difference. Thats about it. Not because she is bigger or taller or smaller or shorter. Of course this is the wrong reasons for someone new. But hey.

On to the subject of the bedroom department. Someone once said to me. If you put a pebble in a jar everytime you made love for the 1st year and then in the second year and onwards took one out everytime, you would never empty that jar. What is supposed to happen is that love making becomes comfortable when you get to know someone. You each find out what each other likes and you do it less often. Quality rather then quantity. Its much nicer to eat a box of Thornton''s Belgium chocks rather then Milk Tray.

Everyone compares themselves to the ex''s new partner. Why them and not me? My ex''s OM was short fat and ugly. But she saw something in him. I suspect he represented her father who had died a few years before. Thats my theory. But she hated her father. Nowt as strange as folk. But is he a good catch? Was a serial cheat. Cheated on his wife at least 25 times. He used to hit her. Broke her collar bone and knocked her teeth out. Had committed road rage. One time on a man in his 70''s. Used to fight when out with his sons. Now you would ask why would someone trade me in for someone like that? Ok I am no oil painting. But I am steady. Reliable. Good choice for someone right? But thats not how people think. Perhaps she wanted a bit of rough. Someone she could fix. They often choose someone inappropriate. As I said. Nowt stranger then folk.

But look at this another way. Your ex has set you free. And essentially he has handed a decent women to your future partner. Your future partner one day may say, "Thanks very much mate". Perhaps your new partner will bake him a cake!!.

Lastly. Everything happens for a reason. The reason is often not obvious. Not at the time. Just bear this in mind. Marshy.

When I questioned Twonk ''Why her''
His reply,''she was different to you''

Yeah too right she was different...
2 marriages,numerous affaires,drug taking and drug pushing children,and she was in thousands of pounds of debt,and I mean thousands....

This was a man who would have voiced his opinion about similar familes,The Jeremy Kyle lot...He would have sat on his pedestal and looked down on them with contempt.

So I looked at myself and questioned was I such a bad person that I could not keep him?
When the smoke lifted and I could finally see things clearly..
No it was him who changed,maybe our life was too safe,actually maybe too boring,and he wanted excitement:unsure:

He has got more than he bargained for though,every action creates a reaction,and now he has to live with how others reacted to those actions,and they are not sitting comfortable with him,but that is his path.

Honeybee,the most beautiful woman or man cannot stop their partner fron straying,to betray the person who loves you is something inbuilt in you,there will be many who have done it,and got away with it,but they have to remember that it is always there,it will never go away,and ultimately how many times someone has done it,they are still a betrayer,and they have to live with themselves...

One thing I will say though,people who have these relationships should always remember,that when you have an affair,both of you know your cheating,both of you know that your liars and deceivers....
So both of you know that your capable of doing the same to each other:dry:

Rest easy for the rest of your life?
I think not!!!!

Afon Xx

From a bloke''s perspective? Well here goes briefly. Frankly, some men feel the need to chase women in order to prove their own self worth, it''s part of their psyche and nothing to do with you. Perhaps your marriage was in a rut, perhaps he was bored, needed excitement? Who knows? Reading between the lines, I feel this was bound to happen one day and sooner rather than later is better for you as you have more time to turn things around. You should now think about yourself, number one, and think of the future. Easy to say I know.

When I separated, a "friend" asked shortly afterwards how I was and whether I had "a bit of stuff". He couldn''t believe that blokes aren''t all like him and that some of us value relations based on love and trust rather than a quick poke. Sometimes I wish I was a superficial philanderer as they appear to have so much more fun!

I''m probably rambling but try and concentrate on yourself now rather than him. You owe it to yourself!

It''s only natural to think why her/him and not me.

When I asked this of my ex he said OW "made him feel wanted and special". Well I got news for you idiot, if you got up off your fat ar*e and helped once in a while I would have had more time to make you feel wanted and special. Instead more and more was dumped on me, whilst working full time and bringing up two children.

My family could see it and so could my friends, but does anyone ever tell you - no - why - because you love your former partner and they don''t want to interfere.

Well the OW didn''t have a pot to pee in, and where she was formerly housed I wouldn''t have put my dog in. A mighty fine catch, said no one ever!

But ultimately, I feel those of us who have been retired as husbands/wives have the last laugh. You see I think our ex''s do us a favour - we don''t see it straight away, but as we slowly build ourselves back up we realise it''s their problem, their issue they did what they did because of their shortcomings. This isn''t said about men, it''s about women too.

So take hope, one day you will think "I''m glad it''s not me and I hope that day comes soon for you.

Take care xx