kids and new partners.............

Hi,

I just need some advice really, I've been split from my partner for a short period of time and she is now insisting on a deed of separation to help maintain some order if thing's between us turn bitter and to be honest i really can see it going that way.

I think this could be a good idea in theory but she is insisting that she makes all the points and if i don't agree i will have to contest them through a solicitor. I'm not entirely sure if this is true but i find it hard to believe that any 'agreement' can be enforced unless both parties agree on all points.

I have started seeing someone new now and the main point of her agenda is to stop me from introducing our child to, if it goes that way, my new partner. Can she stop me from doing this? I have no intention of doing this anytime soon and i would even agree to letting my ex meet her first so she could talk to her first.

does anyone know if she can stop me?

Hi doosh and welcome

I read a lot of posts here at Wikivorce that include the word 'insist' and it makes me wonder at people's perceptions of what they can/cannot do...

Your partner cannot insist that you sign a deed of separation, any more than she can insist you agree to its terms. I can understand why she would want one (though we didn't) since it brings some idea of structure to the situation but if you don't agree (voluntarily) to its contents then it won't work.

If she is insisting, just point this out. What will she do, for example, if you don't sign it? She cannot enforce something that only she agrees to. I would also point out, as reasonably as you can, that if you can negotiate agreement then you will sign it and adhere to it.

If she feels able to insist now, it's only going to get harder...

Shezi

Thanks Shezi for your time in replying.

I have tried and thought i had succeeded in getting her to sit down with me to talk this through and agree together on what should be put down on there but i think there are outside influences that are guiding her. She agreed only to tell me 20 minutes later that i would have to go through her solicitor to contest the deed.

Do you know much about them and how binding they are? i have tried to research them on the internet but I'm not finding the right information to help me understand.

If i do not agree could she take me too court to try and force them upon me?

Hi doosh,

I can't comment on the part about the document as I'm afraid I don't know. But I can comment on the part about new partners. all I can say is what happened to me.
stbx and I split Dec 2009. He met another OW Spring , although told me it was Summer. He introduced her to our 3 children in October, he tried to discuss with me and I felt was too soon for children, but him being him just went and did it anyway. There done!
children seem ok with her and have had more and more contact including being left with her and all going away together. So at the end of the day I think people do what they want to do in life. He is now bringing OW to a big event, for our son, and I haven't even met her!!!! All I will say is you should try and judge the situation based on your childrens needs alone and use your own judgment of what is best for them and them only. Try and ignore prompting from either your new partner or your old one. If you feel it is good for your old partner to meet your new one then that to me is very honourable of you.

Good Luck
Survive
x

Doosh

Welcome to Wikivorce.

Separation deeds or agreements are generally used where parties do not wish to divorce straight away but want to regulate their financial and children related affairs until they can bring divorce proceedings, usually after 2 years or more separation. Both parties need to be in agreement with the clauses within the SA, otherwise it isn't an agreement.

Re introducing your daughter to your new partner - your x2b cant stop or prevent you from doing this, and to try to have such a clause in a SA smacks of control - imagine her reaction if you had suggested the very same to her? What you do, and with whom when you have your child is your business, and as long as your child is safe and happy, then she has no recourse.

If you allow her to "insist" now on what you can and can not do in the future - you will find that you have no room to maneuver and there will not be any flexibility - something that is important when parents are separated.

I personally, wouldn't introduce a new partner to my ex before introducing him to my children - it would be like I was seeking his [ex-husband's] approval of my new partner - what if your wife doesn't like your new partner, and "insists" that your child will not meet her under any circumstances? Your life will be severely compromised, and you would be allowing your ex-wife to control you. You will know when the time is right to introduce your child to your new partner. And if I were the new partner, I certainly wouldn't appreciate being weighed-up/interviewed/scrutinised by the ex-wife - I would find that quite insulting.

It is totally up to you when/how you introduce anyone to your child.
You sound pretty sensible to me!
This is just an attempt for your ex to control a part of your life. Put your foot down about it now, or it will only get worse.
My partner and his ex split up years ago, long before I met him. She still 'insists' she has a 'right' to look around our home,amongst other ridiculous requests!
From the perspective of a new partner, who wasn't the cause of the split - it really isn't fair to let any GF of yours be grilled or interrogated by your ex. No one will be good enough and my guess is she'll find lots of things to complain about.
It's too much unnecessary pressure to put on anyone.
Find strength somewhere and insist that she lets you get on with your life with privacy and dignity.
Hope this helps..

Is there a reason why you don't want to go for divorce now, instead of a Separation Agreement?

The divorce will finalise both the financial arrangements and childcare arrangements and be legally binding on both you and your wife.

Your wife may be feeling insecure and/or jealous which is why she is trying to exert control over you.

If you focus on what is best for your children and keep that in mind, it will be easier for you to sort out things.