Husband is lost and upset.... advice needed

If anyone has some advice please help.

My husband divorced in 2004 and has 1 child.
Ex wife remarried and has since divorced.
C is my step daughter and she is wonderful, she has a baby brother and loving grandparents aunties etc...

Ex wife has been in constant battle with my husband from the day they split, always messing us around with dates weekends and he spent every penny he had left to arange contact with the courts. This went on for years the battles over when ex decided C wasnt comming over, going on holidays that we had already paid for. during this we also suffered lots of foul and abusive texts and calls and nasty messages to husband about how bad a dad he was.
we always feel that ex degrades us to C the holidays we go on are not as good as hers, the presents we buy, even xmas ex told C it was alright for dad he and me and son while she was on her own making C feel guilty (she cried on my chest) and also C was upset as she thinks she is ruining mums dream of moving to aus. i have kept records of everything and its pages and pages.

Me and my husband live apart as i work 150 miles away and come home to husband and son at weekends so we can keep C in an active role in our family. we feel like what more can we do we drop everything if we get a call but we get treated like nothings.

something set ex off at the start of the year and we didn't see C for 5 weeks we finally decided t go to court, ex changed was brilliant about time and even started being nice to my husband. they reached an agreement 6 weekends out of 12 to be fair to ex as she works weekends based on that rota, the fact my husband works weekends didnt come into it, however at least an agreement was reached and all was well.

C asked dad if she could go on face book and he said no she is 10 years old a few weeks later C was on face book and my husband rang her mum and a row started. nothing my husband could do as ex said she is having it, he got it closed down. however a male teacher sent C a message overly nice and ending with a x, my husband was appalled he made a formal compaint to the school and ex went ballistic at dad for making a big deal out of nothing. yes C was upset prob for having her account shut down but then ex wife told my huband C was to upset to comeover at the weekend. my husband rang C and she was fine the usual to busy playing to be really interested in what he talking about, however ex wife wasn't fine, same old abusive calls and texts. they both had to go to the school while C was interviewed by the teacher half way through C got upset and ex wife started with the tears. C was fine with her dad and on the way out he said bye see you next weekend, brothers 1st birthday, ex was so different outside the school f'ing and blinding saying his weekends were cancelled.
to top it all received a letter from her solicitor saying contact has stopped as C doesnt want conatc and is to distressed to come over and see us and that ex wife has tried to encourage her (really) and hopefully this will only be temp measure.

husband can not believe it, C is not a distressed girl we do not know what ex wife is saying to her, she went to her solicitor to cover her tracks as she knows we will go back to court. but for what for her to be yes judge of course dad can see C she is so much better now, so penal notice wont be needed untill the next time and the next.

i think of C and i want to cry as i know she will be feeling stuck in the middle, she adores her mum and dad but mum has the influance, my husband is starting to feel used by both C and her mum, even though we know this isnt C fault sometimes it does feel like you dont get any thanks for what you do and sometimes C follows her mum if she doesnt get what she wants she forces dads hand by going to mum, typical kid but mum will make it into a big fight. in a nutshell i think the ex want to put a massive gap in their relationship which is pretty good and normal

thanks for reading and if you can help please do

I'm afraid I don't have any experience of this, so can't help in a practical way but I wanted to send you my best wishes - this must all be very distressing for you both.

I hope you get something resolved soon.

It isn't possible to reason, negotiate with or appease someone who is being unreasonable. All you and your husband can do is maintain physical and emotional boundaries and focus on your own behaviours eg not reacting to criticisms or threats, responding to problems rather than reacting, asserting needs and how to get them met without aggression.

There are strategies to deal with hostility - reassuring children they are loved and the door is always open; not responding if the child says the other parent has said negative things about you or a new partner; spending some time with children alone without a new partner; reminiscing about previous good times together; never denigrating the other parent; and generally encouraging children to question what they are told and look at matters for themselves.

Words of caution though, C is a child and only 10 and Dad feeling she is using him, being overly critical and demanding can actually bring about his own rejection. Courts enforce contact orders to ensure contact is performed for the benefit of children not to punish parents. Penal notices may well not achieve the object of reinstating contact. Children can blame the parent who applied to commit the other parent to prison.

When was the last time your husband was awarded a contact order? Since December 2008 the courts have a range of new powers to enforce contact including contact activity directions to attend progammes and classes such as parenting classes.

Fiona says..."Penal notices may well not achieve the ­object­ of reinstating contact. Children can blame the parent who applied to commit the other parent to prison."


How many Mothers in the last 5 years have actually gone to prison for thwarting Contact Court Orders and how would you know that the child has blamed the Father in any of those circumstances?

Aren't you possibly just using your imagination or do you have any facts to back up your claim?

Could there even be children in the future who were glad their Mother faced prison because she tried to stop Contact to their Fathers? If my Mother had stopped me from seeing my Dad I would have expected her to be treated harshly by the Courts and I would have praised my Father for persuing Contact Enforcement.

Please don't shoot the messenger!

"Currently, there are only four options available to the court and each is unsatisfactory: one, send the parent who refuses or frustrates contact to prison, or make a suspended order of imprisonment. This option may well not achieve the object of reinstating contact. The child may blame the parent who applied to commit the carer to prison. The child's life may be disrupted if there is no one capable of or willing to care for the child when the parent is in prison. It cannot be anything other than emotionally damaging for a child to be suddenly removed into foster care by social services from a parent, usually a mother, who in all respects except contact is a good parent. Two, impose a fine on the parent. This option is rarely possible because it is not consistent with welfare of a child to deprive a parent on a limited budget. Three, transfer residence. This option is not necessarily available to the court, because the other parent may not have the facilities or capacity to care for the child full-time, and may not even know the child. The current case is one in which this is a real option. Four, give up. Make either an order for indirect contact or no order at all. This is the worst option of all and sometimes the only one available." Bracewell LJ in V v V [2004] EWHC 1215 (Fam)

HI,
We are in similar situation as you. My husband divorced his ex wife over 4 years ago after finding out that she had an affair with his best friend. anyway moving forward he is in and out in court try to get more contact time with his kids, but she is not having it. the kids are upset,casscaff dont find the situation "mega imporant to investigate" even the judge order the report. so we not getting anyway...obviusely everybody suffers in the situation and it is awful to say but you arrive to a phsycial and mental limit where you will say "what is enough is enough" and because of the sake of your other children you have to let it go..
in the end of the day if you let the case overtake your life it will damage you and your husband..we hope that time will solve the situtation and the kids are not stupied..they will be teenager soon and see how the bad cop and good cop in this story.
it is easy to say but you and your husband need to relax and enjoy the time with your stepdaugther..the problem with ex wifes..they just enjoy making trouble and if you pick the gloves up all the time you give them the satisfaction...as well as they are bored with their sad live because they cannot believe that their ex husbands have happier life without them...and all these evil ex mums knows the only way to hurt is across the children..........
sad isnt it!

upsetstep wrote:

...and all these evil ex mums knows the only way to hurt is across the children..........
sad isnt it!

also sad is the gender bias attached to the henious act of one parent using the children to attack/control/punish/wotever the other parent

Elle x