Rituals, symbols and traditions are very important to us and give our lives a context and meaning which is why such a big thing is made of Christmas, weddings, christenings and of course the ultimate goodbye, funerals.
The first symbolic act of my letting go was taking off my wedding band as I had noticed that my other half had already taken off his, another clue that he had left the marriage in his heart much earlier than me. I didn't see the point of wearing the ring when what it stood for now longer counted and had become a lie that I had unwittingly lived for a few years.
My husband had given his to our daughter and I did the same and she has put them together on a necklace which I thought was sweet. It seemed the right thing to do as she is the loving creation of our union. I did cry when I took it off with my husband there and our daughter. That was the first significant act of acknowledging that it was truly over and there was no way back.
The second act was yesterday taking off the bunch of keys to the Marital Home, to my old life and past. Since leaving in August I had it with my new bunch of keys but I hardly go there now since my daughter comes in the weekends and there was no earthly reason to carry that load round anymore, both physical and emotional; so I let it go.
The third act is not so much symbolic but just sorting my head out and accepting that I am no longer in limbo but that I do truly have a new home now where I will be staying for the indefinite future. In the beginning months I did feel out of place, as if I should be 'home' where my daughter and husband are and where I have been for the last 10 years before the move from London. I felt very unsettled as I literally just drove off to Norwich one early morning and never went back to stay the night, so I had to move my clothes and possessions bit by bit and never knew where anything was. For a while I lived out of boxes and plastic crates till I bought a hanging rail and wardrobe space was sorted out for me by my friend.
Actually to be more accurate the driving off because I knew I was unhappy and things just could not carry on like that was the first and most significant act that started my brave and risky leap in the dark but has thankfully worked out well for me.
Life has taught me a few harsh lessons along the way but I know that even the worse experiences like having cancer not once but twice do have their pluses, like experiencing the kindness of strangers when you have your back against the wall and am totally, utterly on your own. I have always been a kind person but it has made me even more compassionate and I now go out of my way to be helpful to those in need, especially strangers, to repay that kindness. I do believe that what comes around goes around.
The gains from separation and impending divorce is finding myself again, starting a new life, becoming independent both financially and mentally and making my own decisions, writing the script of my life and not following someone else's. The second gain is I am far happier than I have been for a long, long time and we are talking years here. I didn't like myself before and was worn down by the constant petty fault finding and negative comments on what I should have done or not done and how I did things wrong and how it could be done better etc etc. I was and am a strong character with my own opinions and was a professional who was good at her job and popular with collegues and the kids I taught but I lost confidence and started doubting myself. Somehow things did not fit, here was someone whom I loved and who I thought loved me but he was always saying things that didn't feel right and I thought it must be true because why else would he do that, my husband?
Now I realise it is emotional abuse, I know because I read it from a domestic violence leaflet the police sent me after I had to call them because he was threatening violence and I had to run out of the house in the middle of the night. I always thought domestic violence was physical; he never actually hit me but has threatened to, stopping just in time in my face or throwing beer bottles at me just to miss. Or if we argued and he didn't like what I said, he would go out to the patio and break things, expensive things like his guitar or mobile and then go out and buy them again when we could ill afford it.
There are of course losses, significant ones, I am not saying separation is a bed of roses and everyone should try it. It hurts more than anything I have ever experienced. I don't get to see my baby (15 years old now) but she will always be my baby every day which is ironic because I did the chemo last year to buy more time with her before she flew the nest, which goes to show you never know what is round the corner, so enjoy it now while you can. Not being morbid just realistic.
Loss of mutual friends and family. His family is no great loss, they were not very kind to me but there are other family members who were. My husband said that his family did not want to know me anymore, why should they, we are no longer an item. I thought it was typical of his and their attitude, I had no importance as a person in my own right, only in relation to him and as mother tohis child and that was the way I was treated.
Now I have got my head together and sorted out a lot of stuff emotionally and mentally and got my life back from falling apart. Managed to get 2 jobs, one temporary for Christmas to pay my way and feel financially independent again and not live on benefits or wait for the reluctant cheque from my husband, as if he is throwing some spare change in my direction as charity for the Dumped Middle Aged Wife who just won't go away.
All in all more gains than losses, I hope it is the same for you too.
