What a mess

I haven't been on here for a few years. I got through my divorce with thanks to the support network on here. That was 2013.

Last year I met someone. I had a couple of relationships previously but nothing got too serious. This is different. Then she dumped me last October... she didn't know why. She wanted to be alone, we didn't have loads of common interests was the best she could do. Gutted!
I kept in touch and over December a few get togethers saw us back together in the New Year. She explained she was going through the menopause all last year and was all over the place. Possiblystill will be. But we where talking about it and I was trying to understand the occasional mood swing ect. Since then it has been amazing. We have started to integrate our families with meals out together etc. We had a week away on holiday which could not have gone better. She started to call me her MFM... my forever man. I truly believed this is it... the real deal! All sunshine and roses. Wonderful.

Then I opened a can of worms! Last couple of weeks she has been off a bit. First period in 14 months she blamed but things where changing. Our pic disappeared off her FB profile, the good morning texts stopped, No replies to "I love you"? This was all after she went away for a weekend with some friends. My insecurities after my ex played away reared their ugly head again....

She was in the bath and asked me to plug her phone into the charger for her. I did and as Iphones do it lit up.... Whatsapp... was there and I looked... top of the list a mans name. I looked... in amongst good morning, pics of her garden messed up after a stormy night where sex messages from him!! I can cure your headache by licking.... You need this and that!! I was and am heartbroken! The saving grace was she had not replied sexually at all?

We where going out for the evening and I just didn't know how to handle it. I was feeling physically sick. we still went out dancing. I found myself telling her I loved her... she smiled and gripped my hand meaningfully. we had a good evening but I went out for a walk around the block, shut myself in a loo cublcle too for a bit. Churning inside. A few drinks too quick too. She put a few away through the evening and was tipsy at the end of the night. Whilst waiting for the cab I looked at her and told her "you are the best thing that's ever happened to me" to which she snapped back "No I am not, that's your wife and daughter" (24 yrs old)... I was taken aback... "my wife? Yes my daughter but my ex wife? seriously?". "its a big compliment"... All I got was I don't believe it!

We got home and she sat on the bed all clothed... again saying whats all that about.. "take the compliment" I said... "no she shouted"!!

Then I did it... I said if you want a row I want to ask you something and you wont like it".... I told her what I did and what I saw! I was not expecting her to react as she did! "its only banter, he is my boss!"... oh that makes it bête does it?? "Its been going on since before we met"... Whaaaaaaattt! She opened her phone after some questioning and the messages had gone, funny that.... but scrolling back I found more! She hit back with invasion of privacy (as you would... I get that)and has continued along that line. "its like breaking and entering, I cant deal with you sneaking about etc etc". I asked her to leave. I swore and threw her clothes at her. Not great! I wanted to talk about this the following day and def when sober!

36 hrs later I text her...Turns out its been going on for over 5 years she admitted and its normal banter in her workplace.. a mans world! It so isn't though is it!
She has said he is not a threat to us! Its just flirting / banter etc. She says she is desensitised to it!! She said he is testing the water (for 5 years?). There appears to be no apology, no contrition at all. Its all ok to her!
She says she never replies. TBH as said I didn't see any sexual replies from her.
She says it is no more than that and she is not having an affair with him. Well she would I suppose!! He is married with family and a very senior job to hold down! She too cant afford to loose her job!

My thoughts are this is sexual harassment. But she has done nothing about it... its only harassment of course if it in unwanted?!! It appears accepted that he sends these messages as she is defending him... " we have a great friend relationship" she says!
I told her I cant deal with the fact she accepts it as normal. She accepts that I see it that way.

She apparently told him what has happened and he apologised to her! What a hero!! FFS!

She has said the trust is broken by me looking at her phone. To her it appears that is worse than her messaging? My mistrust and the invasion of privacy has upset her most. She is hitting out... "nobody had my attention but you, however our relationship is in tatter now as a result of your insecurities"

Well I suppose I did invade her privacy but look what was there....

How can I possibly look to forge a loving relationship with someone who thinks receiving (if that's all it was) graphic sexually detailed messages from her boss is ok?

She says she has shown her mum the messages and she rolls her eyes! I am damned sure her lovely mum has not seen the ones I saw about oral sex etc.

I am so in love with this woman its tearing me apart. we haven't spoken since the initial bust up and no contact since I asked her to tell me all this face to face.

Its not me is it? It is so very morally wrong isn't it? Am I missing something?
It would be easier if she had replied. At least it would be a slam dunk... now she appears to be putting up with this sexual harassment from a senior director - her boss. But why???

possibly she is just angling herself so she can tell the family she dumped me for phone snooping? I had never thought of doing it before that opportunity presented itself. But I am glad it did. Otherwise it would be another 5 years and I would have met him or something and he would be laughing inside - I hate that man! I have had to control myself because I want to go and hurt him at present!!

Broken!

From reading your story it sounds like you had a lucky escape in my opinion. She already dumped you once before for no clear reason and now a second time after coming across suspicious messages...

Don't be hard on yourself.