My Dad''s wife ''wants to be called ''granny''

My dad''s wife was really awful and unloving towards me when my ex-husband and I broke up (nearly 5 years ago now). . before our first xmas she told my dad I was interferring in their marriage by phoning them ''all the time''.. and it wasn''t 2-3 times a day that I called my dad but 2-3 times a week.. during those first few months of my ex breaking up with me, my son started having seizures and our car got totalled.. all in all is was a horrible time and my dad''s wife made me feel completely unworthy of any support or love. I have tried to forgive, I invite them to family events every month or so yet they still don''t ask us over. yesterday I asked my dad why she still seemed funny with me (naively thinking we had put everything behind us) but she apparently is still niggled that my kids don''t call her grandma. yesterday I got very upset with my dad and said if being called ''grandma'' would mean we would get invited for occasional coffees and cake then I would get my kids to call her grandma.. I feel really saddened that this is soo necessary.. she has made it clear to me that she doesn''t like me, she has kids of her own and grandkids.. but apparently she expects mine to call her grandma as my dad is called grandad with her. My mum died some 18 years ago.. she was my kids grandma.. she never got to meet my kids and I wish with all my might that she could have heard them say ''grandma'' not my dad''s new wife. this whole business has churned up my feelings of loss for my mum.. and why does this woman who really shows no care to me or my kids need to have a grandma status in their lives. I feel like I am selling myself to keep her happy and mean while I feel sick with what feels like a lie. I get she is my dad''s wife but does that mean her feelings and wishes should over-ride mine.

Do you really think your kids calling her Grandma would change anything to her attitude? I tend to think that when somebody is that petty about the love and attention she receives from children,nothing will make them loving and generous.

I understand only too well how you can miss your mum (i lost mine a few months ago) but you have to keep reminding yourself that she is in them, in their genes, in their blood and most of all in they way she has taught you how to love them. No amount of forced respect towards your dad''s wife will ever change that.

I don''t know how long your stepmother has been around or what she is like, but it sounds as though she may be feeling rejected by you, that you resent her. Don''t know how you get round this except by being totally honest with each other and talking about just why you do not and cannot see her as a substitute mother because being mum comes before being granny. Is there title she could have that would not upset you?

I really get what your saying as lost my mother before my children were born, have no advice as I feel how you do, but sure the experienced wikis will help you out, you take care xxxxx

She is not your children''s Grandma. It is entirely up to you and your children what you call her..(something respectful like her name is helpful!)...this is about her insecurity and controlling attitude, not yours I would say.

My ex MIL had all her other (4) SILs and DILs call them ''Mum and Dad''...but I had, or had had a Mum and Dad....and that was special....I chose to just use their names.....I hope that helps.....don''t be bullied my this woman....I doubt it will make her any nicer.

(And why do you invite her with nothing back?.....I know probably to please and placate your Dad.....but just check in with yourself that this is still the right modus operandi for you and yours.)

Thank you everyone for your loving replies... the reason she wasn''t called grandma from the off was because they got married when my eldest was 2 and a half years old and our youngest for 1 month.. so they knew her by her name. Also, as she has never ever been welcoming to me really, never invited me for a coffee etc.. all invites go through my dad. She just isn''t comfortable with being with me. I look a lot like my mum, I don''t know if this is a problem for her. I told my dad 3-4 years ago when her daughter started having kids and they called in grandad that they had a different relationship with him. He helped her daughter look after the ''grandkids'' so she could work. I was never ever given this type of support so I can see they may feel he is a grandad to them. I also wanted my kids to be clear that they did have two grandma''s already.. just mine lived in the church.. that her living there didn''t mean she didn''t completely and ulterly love them. My mum never saw me married, have kids or get divorced.. I''m crying as I write this as I love her sooo much .. I wish she could have been called grandma during her life.

Such a lot of complex emotion wrapped up in the use of such simple words. Like sunflower my mil expected to be called mum, and I couldn''t do it. Loved her to bits but couldn''t call her mum. I do totally see where you are coming from, but I suspect that your stepmother feels equally hurt and rejected - and that''s maybe why she can''t be more supportive. ((()))