Will I ever move on???

Patsy I don''t think I can add anything that Marshy hasn''t. All I will say is that I''ve been on my own 2 years now and trying to get to Absolute stage but know that day will break my heart all over again.
Like Declan something isn''t right yet for me either. I think of my stbx last thing at night and first thing in the morning still. I don''t kid myself my marriage is over I''m just not over the end of my marriage.
I had the attention I had the love and consideration I had the thoughtful gestures but I also had his lies and cheating, I can''t see me ever being in another relationship. I love the way marshy describes it as the old sock and old shoe because if ever it ventured that''s what I would want not all the getting to know you stuff and like NL sic says I think another would soon see me as boring and uninteresting.
I admire you don''t get me wrong for living your life and seeing what happens and I wish you well.
BL xx

Butterfly Lady wrote:

I can''t see me ever being in another relationship.

Hi BL. Its a mistake to say never. Never is a word that condemns you. Imagine an athlete that says he will never run faster than XX seconds over the 100 meters. Or a pole vaulter that says she will never jump over the top. They can never say never as saying never means that they will never achieve greatness.

The way to achieve is to draw a straight line between here and there. And draw in the achievements along the way that you must complete. It really is that simple. A decision to achive is the start of an achievement. Crossing the line is when you have achieved something. It could be the 1st time you put up a shelf. Or fix a plug. Or become chairperson of ICI. It matters not. All achievements are the same. Have belief that you can achieve anything. Thats the difference between those that overcome tragedy, adversity and trauma. They believe. And they never say never. They say... I can and I will.

You thought you had the love and attention. But this was all hidden agenda. You wasnt put first after all said and done. And you have to be number one in someones life. Otherwise, whats the point? And someone that tells lies? No good to you. So what good is he? About as useful as a chocolate tea pot.

But get this man out of your life 1st. Get over and get to the stage where you wake up one day and say "I have not thought about you in a while? I wonder what sort of mess you are making of your life now?" Then you have cracked it. C.

Hi Patsy - I agree with what the others have said. Interestingly, a lot of male responses, which is good to see.

I don''t know if this is the same for you, but I suspect that if and when I am ever thinking about another relationship (I''m not saying never, but that''s what I do think actually, for me), then part of it is fear. OK so this new guy is being nice. Leave aside that as Haway says, he is likely to be nice while he wants to get into your knickers. The fear for me would be: once upon a time my x appeared to be nice. In fact he appeared to be nice right up to the day he p*ssed off. But it turns out he wasn''t nice at all. He was severely flawed (not saying I am not) and was lying all the while.

So for me it is an issue of trust. I trusted someone and got close (obviously) - lived, loved, had children, thought we knew the best and worst of each other. But in fact the worst was being hidden from me, I was taken in, and I am hurting now. If I trust again I could be fooled again. That is the fear. I have been so badly burnt that I don''t trust myself or anyone enough to make myself vulnerable in that way ever again.

It may be that in the fullness of time I can find a way to have a relationship with a significant other without making myself vulnerable. Maybe it is possible to have a fulfilling relationship without giving everything up like I did before. That will have been a useful lesson. Or maybe it''s like what they say about the pain of childbirth and we just throw ourselves into it again.

But I am not there yet. And it sounds as though you aren''t either.

elizadoolittle wrote:

It may be that in the fullness of time I can find a way to have a relationship with a significant other without making myself vulnerable. Maybe it is possible to have a fulfilling relationship without giving everything up like I did before.

I understand the sentiment Eliza. Build those walls really high. Problem with that is that you cant see over them and you box yourself into a corner and you wont be able to escape.

A better way.... You have learned some stuff. In fact, you know a lot more than most marrieds and I bet my english pound to your shiny penny that you wont make the same mistakes again. The mistake is to box yourself into a corner and not being able to make good when opportunities arise. And thats not just men. Thats any opportunity.

Trust is a funny thing. But when you talk about not being able to trust again, you are making it sound as if you have to award 100% trust on day one. Its never like that for the well informed. Trust is hard to earn and easily lost.

Sure you have been hurt eliza. I get that. But... being hurt is a part of the love game. And it is a loosing game. But like football, you dont lose all your matches.

Ok apart from playing devils advocate what am I trying to do here. What I would like you to do is not freeze anything out of your life. Denying yourself is letting yourself down. Deny enough and you will be stuck on the spot. Afraid to move at all and pretty soon, you will need convincing to answer the door or go to the loo!!!

Just keep an open mind. Never say never. And grasp any opportunity that comes your way no matter what it is and run with it as far as it goes. But at the same time, dont get carried away and apply everything you have learned. C.

Thanks so much for all your responses. I value all the support and advice that you all take the time to give me. It genuinely means so much.

Phew it is hard trying to move on and as Marshy says I have been here before and am going over old ground.

I was exceptionally emotional last night. Easter was always a family holiday for us so it brought back memories. I also had a clear out and came across old cards and letters which made me cry. And....it''s my birthday today so i was just feeling generally nostalgic and just a bit sad really. (PMT doesn''t really help either!!)

Was woken up by a txt from the ex at 7am simply saying ''happy birthday'' No kiss. No other sentiments. At least he remembered I guess. I turned over and went back to sleep!

The new man sent a more loving text, and he made me smile! I do get the male perspective that the compliments and attention are geared to one thing, but we are beyond that stage and he is still interested, although I do wonder why when I am still so hard to read. I would struggle if I was him and I would have run for the hills!!

So today I feel better and less churned up. A friend tonight just said to me ''Are you having fun with him? If you are then just carry on and stop thinking too much. He''s not asked you to marry him & you haven''t promised him anything, so just get on with it!'' Sounds so simple.

The problem is I have only ever had one relationship in my life and that lasted 22 years. In between I''ve just had dates and fun. So its all a bit scary and yes fear does play a big part. I''m scared of hurting him more than hurting myself, because up to now I have not allowed myself to open up enough to allow him to hurt me. Maybe that''s self preservation. I don''t know.

Too late to be whittling but thanks for the words of wisdom. My ultimate goal is to get over the ex. I can do it....but not as fast as I''d like! x