Dating

Well I have been trying the dating game, joined an internet dating site and have met a couple of men for coffee, but didn''t move to a second meeting. Now have met another man for a second date today, but I am feeling scared to pursue this, he seems really nice, and I have warned him I ned to take it slowly, but I am not ready for being kissed much less any other physical contact. We did kiss but my head was telling me not to.
Is this because I am not ready at all or is it because it''s such a long time since I have been in this situation ? Maybe I need to close my eyes and take the plunge ?

Maybe , it''s too early for becoming emotionally involved . Nothing wrong with a male company though .
However, I think you know inside what is right for you .
If it''s right by you then it''s right . You say that you are not ready for a kiss let alone anything any other physical contact . You already have your answer . And more importantly only you can possibly know .
All I know is that if I go against my values or better judgement it kinda messes me up a bit inside and creates feelings that I don''t like .
I''m two years down the line and still learning more about me .
Not saying I''m going to live as a monk .
So , sweetie , you know the answer yourself . You just have to ask .
Good luck

D

Hi xargle,

I am 4 years into this and am not anywhere near ready, I go on my gut and it so far has served me well, but everyone goes by at their own pace, so do what you feel is best for you, you owe it to yourself and let''s face it, you have nobody to answer to but you.

Please tread with caution, set boundaries, listen to your gut instinct. There is no harm in male company and a friendship is a far better foundation for any potential relationship. If this guy is right for you, then he will understand your caution. Remember what is for you won''t go by you.

Take care for now FoS x

Hello xargle!

I have to agree with Dec and Flower, go with your gut.

A little story that might tickle you....for you to know you are not alone....

The other day, I had a bad morning, popped out to fetch something from my car and accidentally locked myself out of the house. I was in my dressing gown, hadn''t brushed my teeth yet, no make up and my hair was saluting the sky.

Some random dude drove by, turned his car around and drove back to me. He offered to call a locksmith, suggested all kinds of ideas as to how I could get back into my home. The whole time I just kept thinking...''stay away, stay away I haven''t brushed my teeth yet''

THEN HE ASKED ME OUT!!!!!!

The old me would have been very flattered, the old me would have said ''here is a man who has seen you completely raw! and he is ok with it!''

The old me would have smiled, twirled in my dressing gown and winked.

The current me (woman dealing with divorce) , told him to feck off, the current me did a pretty impressive leap over my garden fence and ran round to my back door (am so unfit, my mind still boggles at how I jumped over the fence)

Point is, my gut said NO & no regrets because am not ready.

Follow your instincts
Best
PG xxxxx

Good advice and a great story from PG!

I wonder at all you people and your dates. I cannot imagine it myself. Admittedly, none will ever ask me, but even if they did there is NO WAY for me.

You know how they say that people forget the pain of childbirth? I will NEVER forget this pain, and will never put myself in the way of anything similar again. And I won''t know better a second time. I was not a child when I met and married the car crash that is my x. I trusted him absolutely, I trusted him to cherish me and his children even before himself (as I put them before myself). He was not an obvious disaster, on the contrary, everyone said how loving, kind, honest, reliable etc he was. In fact I used to pride myself on my ability to sniff out nutters, but this one got away and in a big way.

I can''t trust myself but I now know I definitely can''t trust anyone else. And I don''t think I can do casual sex. Maybe! But I am scared to try anything involving any level of trust.

So I am astonished at people who get back in the saddle, but all power to you if you can. However, if it doesn''t feel right, don''t do it. If nothing else, it adds an unnecessary layer of complexity to your life, and has the potential to make things worse. Wait until you are ready, and don''t go looking for trouble.

Sorry if that makes me sound like the voice of doom - I am pretty miserable. If you are up for it, go for it.

A bit of a toughie…

My mother always said when I was growing up that you cannot be happy with someone unless you are happy with yourself. I kind of get that but it is a little cryptic. I mean what does being happy with yourself actually mean? I think we will need to call Freud to answer that one!

I think that people in our situation get confused between being alone and being lonely. I think that this is an important point and in a way links back to being happy with yourself. There is a huge difference between being on your own but not feeling lonely and actually feeling lonely. I think if you are in a place where you feel the former then, perhaps, you are ready to look for a mate: if the latter then you are not ready as you are looking for someone to fill a void and this always leads to disaster. Sub-conscientiously I think people in our position know this: hence the doubts and the ‘measuring up’ marker.

I think that it is a fundamental question that you have to ask yourself: are you lonely or just alone?

The thing with dating is that it is supposed to be fun. You are supposed to have a laugh. It isn’t serious. One should never fall into the trap of trying to find a mate by reference to some set criteria or military manoeuvre. Let it flow. If you feel like a kiss have a kiss. If you want to go further then go further. If you never want to see him again then don’t. There are no rules to this apart from have a good time and leave the seriousness at the door! What will be will be.