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You''re certainly not alone Lily, neither with a husband who wants nothing more to do with you, nor as someone losing a long marriage. There are a number of older wikis who are devastated after very long marriages to find themselves alone and fearful, except you''re not truly alone now.

As hard as it is to believe right now, one day this marriage will just be something you did once. You''ll go on and you''ll have the new life you create, but first you have to come to terms with the fact that he''s just not responding. You''re mourning the loss of what your marriage was to you and like many wikis you would just like your life back. I understand that truly I do, but you''ve made your case and it''s not had the desired effect this time, so please do yourself a favour and send him to Coventry and this is the hardest part - don''t ask again.


Do you really want this marriage, or are you hanging onto it out of fear? Fear of being alone is natural after living as a couple for so long, but you do get used to it and isn''t it better to be alone than with someone who no longer loves us? I think so.

Try to focus on practical issues for your self survival. If you haven''t already done so, assess your financial situation, look at your resources to see what your options are in terms of housing, job and finances.

Create a support group of family and closest friends/wikis who won''t mind providing emotional support. If you need help with something, ask for it.

If you feel the situation is continuing to overwhelm you, do go and speak to your GP and they may suggest counselling. Talking it over with an independent professional can help and many wikis have been helped in that way.

Lastly, looking after yourself is now your number one priority. The most important gift you can give yourself now is to take care of yourself.

Mitchum xx

Hi Lily,Mitchum is right.

I also had a long marriage.

We very nearly got back together,then he had yet another change of heart......

I to am terrified of the thought of living on my own.

I think it was for that reason I wanted to stay with him.

For all the wrong reasons.........

I am also having a horrible time of it today.
I constantly feel like throwing up.Can''t eat.

We still live under the same roof.

It took nearly 18months for the house to sell. Now it has & the new owners want to move in on the 8th of next month.

Panic stations.We both have to find some where to rent asap
The thought that after all this time it REALLY IS OVER.......

No going back.

The thought of the packing is daunting.

The people on this site are great.So supportive.

The way I am acting at the moment is unbelievable.

That is why it is so good to come on here & realize that I am not the only 1 going through this.....

Take care.

I''m going to do the best thing possible & go out now to the shops.

xx

Hi LilyLeo,

Acceptance of our situations comes after hard work and many months, most often years, and it is not easy to find, I can assure you. But, the only person who can do anything about finding the ''Holy Grail'' of an unwanted divorce and separation is you and you alone, it is a cold hard fact.

Mitchum is spot on when she says that you have to learn to be your own BFF, your own NO 1 fan, you have to take control, you have to do this to just survive and give yourself the chance of a new and better life, unwanted granted, but full of new possibilities most definitely.

Most likely, the majority of Wiki''s never, ever dreamed, anticipated, factored in to our life plans with our husband''s or wives that this could happen to us, but as someone once said to me in the early days "sh!t happens" and they were right. Looking back, I had no Plan B, just a Plan A that involved my family, only for it to be swept away, like a rug from under my feet. There was no guide at the alter, so to speak, about what to do if our marriages went pear shaped, that was never ever factored into the equation when we said our vows. My own husband walked right passed me on the Main Street a few weeks ago and turned the other cheek, which hurts like hell still, 4 years on, so I get the sent to Coventry bit, I do!

As hard as your unwanted situation is concerned LilyLeo, you are unfortunately not the first that this has happened to, nor will you be the last. Divorce, is in many cases, the very last resort, for some it is an easy way out, but it is not void of pain and suffering, to all concerned.

Your STBX has not been fair to you, he has kept you hanging on a string, but you are not his play thing. You have to start by taking back some control and I appreciate how hard this is after such a long marriage, as far as you were concerned, you two were a team, but he sounds as if the only team he is now a participant of is the Me, Myself and I team.

Vikki Stark speaks about in ''Runaway Husbands'', how many women (and men) turn their lives around when trauma is forced upon them, it is sink or swim. No man is worth sinking for.

Please lean on Wiki, we get it, we do, but the real force of drive and determination has to come from within, take a stand, show him what he was willing to throw away, be strong and take the high road.

Check out the book thread, it may help you with topics in how to deal with co-dependency and how to just be able to survive this awful situation, day by day with baby steps.

Take care for now FoS x

Thank you for all your replies and I have taken on board all your comments, not that I necessarily agree with all the content!