Just having a rant. Coping with divorce.

Warning, Long rant!

I''ve been separated now for the best part of 8 months when the out-of-the-blue bombshell of my wife with our child leaving the FMH.

The paperwork for the divorce followed a few months later on and as expected, the reasons within it were just unrelated tosh which was nowhere near worthy of a heated argument let alone a divorce.
and we''ve cross applied for residence (or a new CAO) which is in the process as we speak.

Anyhow, whats really eating at me is that I kinda feel that my wife has died, in that i feel bereaved but I know that just 20 minutes away, she''s very much alive and living with our little one and its this odd paradox thats really eating my soul.

We''d been married 5 years, lived together another 4, and have known each other well as friends for a further 6 or 7, so pretty much since she was 18 - half of her life and almost the same of me, and the amount of emotional investment that I''ve made in our friendship, relationship and marriage is just unrecoverable. I''m utterly emotionally bankrupt now, and feel that I''ve not just lost my wife, but my best friend, ultimate confidant, and soul mate and typign this is bringing me close to tears but I know I have to get this toxic mindset out some way or another.

I stagger from week to week seeing my little one, and work is just a conduit to the weekend and I''m just counting down the hours to I see her again.

I''ve learned a lot about myself in these months, and figured whilst I can put on a ''good show; on the outside, on the inside I just want to curl up and scream. I''m just not developed enough as an adult to handle emotion like this, and its a real downer, a failing even, and I dont like it. I kinda envy these hard guys you hear of who happily and without remorse dump their wives, girlfriends and children without so much as a goodbye, and walk out of their lives, and in some ways i wish I had some of that attitude and gumption to just blank out part of the life that give out so much hurt.

I''d had silly but probably unrealistic romantic dreams of growing old with my wife and watching my wee one grow up and go to school and being there every day for her, but the best I can hope for is to be given some contrived socially engineered crap called ''access'' .

I married with the right intentions, and took my vows pretty seriously, and was always ready to make do and mend problems as they occurred, but this obviously wasnt reciprocated and I''m almost angry in a strange way at the lack of gumption my ex wife had towards taking the vows seriously.

Deep down, I''m also feeling betrayed, duped and disappointed in an odd way. When you think you know someone, you know their feelings, and whats on their mind, after so many years, you kinda get to know someone well enough to read their mind and I guess I missed the boat and feeling like I didn''t really know my wife at all.

Moving forward, I''m not really sure I''ll be able to trust someone enough anytime soon enough to have a relationship again, I''ve got a lot of baggage on this issue and lots of insecurities that I can''t see going any time soon. I''ve utterly dived in head first into my marriage and my head has hit that proverbial bottom of the pool and who on earth is gonna want to even enter a relationship, as they''ll soon figure out im screwed up and have trust problems with them.

The last thing thats eating away is that I cant seem to get into my head that I am actually separated. Odd I know, but the thought that my ex will at some point iof not already, be having new partners, new relationships still seems like she''s cheating on me again, and secretly, thats the must punishing fault in my psyche that i dont like, Ive found out that i''ve got a jealous streak in there that I never knew existed and this self examination is a self-find that I really, really didnt like to find about myself at all.

If you''ve read this far, well done. Its helped get this c**p off my chest.

Hi Woderwick. You''ll feel much better after that rant - it always helps to get things out. I think nearly all of us have had similar feelings to you. Someone who is better at giving advice than I am will be along soon.


AngieP x

Hi there I have had all the feelings that you are experiencing. I am in the early stages my OH left in Jan I have not seen or heard from him only through a solicitor.

I guess he wants everything sorted so he can move on. He has shown no remorse for me at all, basically he does not give a shit for my feelings.

I have been close to ending it at times but my mates on here have supported me and I thank them all.

We are entitled to our emotions, that''s what differs them to us. We have feelings and we are in touch with ours.

The others just don''t give a f**k they can detach their emotions from us. Well let it be you are a strong person and you will move on.

I hope I will be as strong as you in the next months

Take care x

I could have written every word of your very mild and reasonable rant (but maybe with a bit more anger!) I still have moments of shock remembering he has left me for OW. Just last night I was cooking dinner and heard the door open and close, and before I realised it was the kids, out of old habit had a little surge of joy thinking "He''s home for dinner!". Immediately followed by a reality check and another flood of tears.
Don''t feel you aren''t enough of an adult to be able to cope with these emotions or wish that you were the sort of person who could dump their partner without regrets or guilt. Most of us are here because we are overwhelmed with the powerful emotions of anger, grief, guilt and jealousy that come with an unexpected or unwanted marriage breakup. The jealousy is perfectly reasonable, after all she did marry you! I can''t even bear to think of mine sitting in a car with OW, let alone in bed together. I also had fantasies of growing old together, and thought it wouldn''t be for many more years that I was grieving for him, because the man I loved is essentially dead now, like you feel about your wife.
But better to be hurting and learning how to deal with these emotions than to be someone who could cause this pain. We will end up stronger, kinder and wiser (hopefully).