New relationship aaarrghh!

I want advice from anyone who''s dared to venture into a new relationship because as per usual I''m really confused about my feelings.

I''ve started seeing a lovely guy in the last month.

It started with an unexpected valentine gift, followed by a txt asking me for a date. It was from a guy at my gym, who I''ve been friends with for 3 years.

Well.....I decided to take the plunge and date this guy , even though I wasn''t sure if I actually fancied him or if I just liked him as a friend.

The first date was perfect. We got on really well, had a laugh, got happily tipsy and I was surprised by the chemistry between us. It just felt right somehow and I was really honest with him about how cautious I am, how I didn''t want to spoil our friendship or for either of us to get hurt etc, but to just take it slowly and go with the flow.

Anyway, since then we''ve had 3 more dates and its going really well.........................
BUT I''m scared! I''ve started to back off. I thought I''d broken the pattern of having two dates and then getting cold feet, but its happening again.

I''m not sure if I''m having doubts about him or just having doubts about getting close to anyone again, and risk being hurt or rejected. It''s really weird because when I''m with him I enjoy his company, but in between dates I''ve started to find reasons not to see him again.

In his latest txt he kind of suggested going away one weekend and even though I was flattered it freaked me out a bit.

I''m so frustrated with myself, because I really want to move on but I''m holding back. I phoned a friend just now and explained how I felt. She went quiet and said ''I think you''re still in love with your ex!''

Then I went quiet. How can I possibly still be in love with him? And if I am what do I do about it???

I like this guy and I don''t want to hurt him or start to avoid him, but I know I''m giving him mixed signals and I''ve purposely made plans on my own this weekend just to give me space.

Maybe I''m just not ready but I''m wondering if I will ever be ready? Is it normal to be so mixed up about a possible new relationship?

Sorry for rambling. Confused.com!!!

There is a difference between still loving an ex and not getting to the point yet of letting them go. Emotional acceptance perhaps.

I think it''s been a couple of years for you. That''s not actually that long when you were with someone for twenty years. New relationship or no new relationship the ending work of the old still needs to be done. Whether the ex is part of it or not, we still need to let go of the ex and the past. I''ve written about people needs for an ending and closure in previous posts.

Your past is still in your present. It''s making you anxious and worry about things. Getting into a new relationship as you are finding isn''t a solution for uncomfortable feelings. I think you will feel more ready when you get to the bottom of what is causing you to feel the way you do.

I chose to work through this kind of thing in counselling and found a way to properly let to of my ex and the past. To make my peace with it. There is more than one way I am certain but I didn''t want my divorce and all the stuff that went with it to affect me emotionally for the rest of my life. It felt like the right investment of time and money.

I think it''s quite a lot of pressure to put on yourself with even calling this a new relationship after a few dates. I think as long as your honest and fair and say this will be a very slow burn in terms of getting to know one another you can be kind and gentle with yourself. This isn''t yet about making a decision about whether this is a relationship. This is about having a bit of fun, spending time together and just seeing what happens. I think changing the lens you are using to look at this will help enormously. You''ve said to him you want to take things slowly. So practice what you preach. Put this concept of new relationship right out of your head. If a female friend invited you somewhere, it probably wouldn''t freak you out at all. So, time to take the pressure of yourself to "decide" about this man.

But first of all, my advice would be sort your own head out about the past. Because all the time it''s there, you may sabotage your own future to some extent. And he ain''t worth that.

Wise words from shoegirl

He sounds nice. If he is - talk to him - explain why you are blowing hot and cold. Because whatever the outcome, you will not like yourself if you feel you have hurt this person. So if you are honest, and like yourself and feel comfortable with how yo have treated this person that is what matters whatever the outcome of this friendship.

Well done for ''getting out there'' and going to the gym etc.

sf

Accept that it is going to take you a long time to go from your current "two dates cold feet" stage to feeling relaxed enough to go away for a weekend.

If you have been friends for 3 years it is a good slow start so keep it going slow and enjoy what there is without putting extra pressure on yourself.

If its meant to move on it will when you are both ready

Patsy39 wrote:

Maybe I''m just not ready but I''m wondering if I will ever be ready? Is it normal to be so mixed up about a possible new relationship?

Sorry for rambling. Confused.com!!!

Absolutely normal. And its also normal to be still in love with someone you shouldn''t be in love with. And it is possible to love more than 1 person.

But are you ready for more than just friends? I think not. And thats why you are holding back.

So I think you need to make a decision and its based on two tracks you could follow.

If you think this man is "right stuff" and you see no reason why you cant progress with him, then you need to tell him your fears and say that you dont want to cross the line yet. If he likes you enough to wait with no promise of anything more and take a risk with you, he will give you some space and wait for you.

Other track is if you like this person as a friend and you really dont want to progress this further then friendship, you owe it to both of you to be honest with him. Maybe the spark is just not there. This has happened to me a couple of times. My best friend in the whole wide world, I dated some 7 or so years ago. We just couldn''t make the jump to the next level. We both of us didnt want to spoil what we had and we have stayed friends since then.

Of course all relationships start out as friends and either progress further and make the leap into lovers and some dont.

Lastly.. I dont want you to think that your the only person that this has happened to. By and large this happens to everyone that has been in a relationship and it ended and a new one is started. You are going to be cautious and you will be scared but if you put into it all you have learned, go slowly, the path will be clear what to do.

V Lastly. Dont be afraid to take considered risks. If it doesnt feel right going further then its not right. And either stay as friends or end it. Not every person you ever meet will be lover material.

VV Lastly. He sprang for you by sending a message to you and a valentines. Say he never did? Would you be where you are now with him? Perhaps deep down, he is a friend. C.

Oh marshy n shoegirl it seems like sometimes u can almost see into my soul!!
I honestly think that I''m loving having the attention, affection, lovely txts etc but my stomach is in knots & I''m not sure why.
Marshy yeah u have a v valid point. Without the grand valentine gesture would we b where we are now?
Hmmm It was a lovely gesture n a woman does like to feel special. This time is different from previous dates cos some friends know him n my sister approves but ultimately it''s my decision!
I used to b so laid back....go with the flow but maybe I''m scarred for life!!!
God I hope not! But equally don''t want to jump in for the sake of it n hurt a lovely guy and mess him about
Jeez I feel like a teenager again! Don''t know if it''s good or bad? Maybe I overanalyse everything? Never knew it would b so confusing.
Hmmm..........we''ll see!

I''m nearly three months into my first friendship/relationship since splitting withhusbandand so I know how you feel. it''s difficult, exciting and scary all at the same time. when I met my husband all those years ago I don''t remember having any doubts or worries about being hurt. I knew I loved him from the start and I knew I wanted to settle down and have a family and that''s what we did. this time round it''s all so different, we all have so much history and we all have our own demons to fight, mine trusting again. I tried not to feel jealous tonight when he mentioned the lovely presents his ex girlfriend had sent him for his birthday, but I felt it inside, the insecurities bubbling up. however I refuse to let these feelings spoil my life, I can''t judge people by what others have done, and I want to have an exciting, full amazing life to look back on when I''m old, not one were i didn''t do things or experience love and life because I was scared. I heard a little quote tonight, "your life''s a story, start writing it". What the others have said is great advice, get out there and have fun, arrange dates where you are doing something different, try new things and enjoy it. My partner and I love music and have been seeing live bands, something my ex never wanted to do. We have lots planned and are having a ball and are making new memories, that''s what life should be about, fun!