Should I Give UP?

I posted yesterday that my husband moved out with a friend.

All of his stuff is still at mine and he brought back his motorbike to leave at the house. He only has enough clothes for a week.

He came round last night and we spoke for two and half hours. He says he doesn't want to live with me anymore and wants me to agree that that is the right thing to do.

He wants me to go out have diner with him on thursday and is meeting me after work for a drink. He wants me to stay at his friends on friday so we can both go to Edinburgh together. I asked him why he wanted me to come to Edinburgh. He said so that we could talk and he could convince me that this was for the best.

Is that the behaviour of someone who wants out? If living with me is as bad as he says why would he want to spend a further 6 days with me? He won't go to relate and he says he would rather die than move back in. I am so confused and don't believe he really wants it over.

Help please.

S

I think you should keep your distance a bit. Going to Edinburgh might be fun for him but it would be torture for you. He's already said he doesn't want to live with you so deny him your company and support. It's ok to be friendly but no more. If you just do everything he wants, he will walk all over you. Be strong and keep your distance now is my advice.

My problem is that if he won't fight for us then I will have to. He isn't thinking right and I can't just give up on my vows without a fight. I know I don't deserve the way he is treating me but I won't be the one who walks away.

What else can I do?

S

Hi

I know that you feel you need to fight. Really, I understand this completely! But it will have the opposite effect to what you intend. You have to give him an opportunity to miss you. This can't happen if you are texting..phoning...pleading...etc etc. You must be the person he fell in love with. What was that person like? Happy? Smiling? Ambitious? etc etc What was (and is) the real you? Show him that person.

Believe me, I know how difficult that will be! Do you know the reason why he wants to go?

Try to move on and if you can't do this, pretend. Go to the gym, see your friends if you can, do as much as what you use to do before he came along. I know I am suggesting something which will seem impossible to you and yet I think it is the best way to repair your marriage.

Having said that, I don't know why he suddenly seems to want to live alone. Does he feel under some kind of pressure about something?

It's so hard isn't it! I have been where you are and I know the pain. I'm sure others will post here too. You will find a lot of support here.

Andy

Andy

Hi stephanie,

There is one thing here I do not understand - or perhaps I understand it all too well....
Your husband has moved out. He wants to persuade you that this is the best thing to do.
He then asks you to go with him to Edinburgh for a number of days.

Well. This is the behaviour of someone who is either totally unaware of what he is asking or doesn't care as long as he gets his way.
HE wants out and YOU have to submit to the agony of being told why ? For several days ?
There is something not right here. Your husband is either behaving in an astonishingly selfish way or an astonishingly insensitive way. Not nice in either case.

It seems to me that you should look after yourself first and foremost. You need time to deal with this blow of him not wanting to come back home. You need time to get used to this new situation. You need time to cry. You need time to wallow. You need time to be kind to yourself.
I know that part of you wants to please him because you think that if you are nice and comply, everything will miraculously be fine again. And it'll seem as if it has to be done NOW.

It doesn't. You have time on your side. And it will take time.
I agree with what buxton has said - try to move on. In your own time. After your own fashion.

I haven't mentioned the pain that accompanies this process. It will be acute or dull, depending on the day, but it will be there.
That is why you have wiki.
Come and tell us how you are doing.
Hugs
Red XX

Stephanie,
I have to agree with buxton on this, if you make yourself available to him whenever he wants, you will always be his plan B, there on the backburner if everything goes wrong and this will draw the agony out for months. With hindsight, I tried everything to repair our marriage and it just left the xtb in control and dictating the pace, it is better to give him the space and let him start missing you. Hard but the best way to save your marriage.

Thanks for all your support and wise words.

I think he has backed himself into a corner and doesn't know how to get out. He will lose face if he comes home and he is so stubborn that he won't admit it.

I think he does miss me otherwise I don't think he would agree to meet with me or ask me to stay over. I don't think he is well and he won't seek help.

The only way I know how to fight for my marriage is this. If he wanted out he would instruct solicitors wouldn't he?

Am so lost.

S