Help Please. So Confused.

Hi all,

I am new to this forum, so hello all.

My husband of 5 years moved in with a friend yesterday. He didn't come home on Saturday and on Friday said he wanted a divorce. I am shocked and can't stop crying. He says he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be with me.

Before he left (only took enough clothes for the week) he said that that was the way he was feeling at that moment but things might change. He kissed me twice before he left and called to say that he had arrived at his friends.

He said he would call me everyday and that if I wanted we could meet for diner on Thursday with his best friend to talk things through. We are booked to go to the Edinburgh festival this coming saturday. He said if I wanted to go with him I could and he would wait for me on the platform. He said we could talk things through then.

Are those the actions of someone who wants out? He has done this before, said he doesn't love me, but has never gone as far as leaving. Everytime he does this he has come back and says he is sorry and didn't mean it.

His friend of 22 years says he is having a work crisis and taking it out on himself and me. He says he has a history of doing this. When something goes bad in his life he cuts everything else out as well.

Help! Any advice or thoughts appreciated.

Steph I feel for you. My ex did the same. Came back after she left every second day for months as she felt comfortable in our house. In my case it was a smokescreen but Im not saying this is your case. Maybe a clue in your posting is that he will meet you on the platform. Why not pick you up ? Go together. There is a lot in the old saying. Chase a dog and it will run away. Stop and walk the other way and it will chase after you. As for friends comments. They are always nice and they often sit on the fence without knowing the real situation. I really dont know how to advise you. If you feel that there is a chance go for it but you also have to be prepared for disappointment . I wasn't prepared for dissapointment as I thought there was hope and then I had it dashed to the ground. Good luck.

Stephanie,

Welcome to wikivorce, the biggest users of kleenex in Christendom. Sorry to hear things are going badly for you.

It is incredibly debilitating to find that the partner that we anticipated spending the rest of our life with suddenly appears to have different ideas. Shakes the very foundations of our existence. Crying? Oh yes, I am sure that you are. In such times of real trauma, our self preservation instincts kick in and we just go to pieces emotionally.

I would suggest that you try to get your husband to Relate. He needs to understand that Relate is not just a marital band-aid that bandages couples up and sends them on their way. It is also a counseling service, that helps a couple to understand where they are as individuals and as a couple. it helps individuals to see a way forward. Sometimes there are external influences that cloud our judgement and make us say things we don't mean. Equally there are circumsatances where the individuals explore how they are feeling and accept that marriage is not the right direction to be pursuing.

Either way, it helps both individuals to see clearly where they are and where they need to be going.

Never say never. He seems to be in crisis mode and perhaps the inclusion of a third party in the discussion could give it the clarity and focus that you so desperately need.

Best of luck - virtual hug from one who has been to that dark place.

Take care and be nice to yourself. Just take each day one day at a time.

Mike

Thanks so much Polar.

I suspect my hopes will be dashed. I don't want to look back and say I made a mistake by not going to Edinburgh. It does feel like I am doing all the chasing but I can't not fight for my marriage. I am also scared that if he does come back he will do it to me again.

I am so scared but know he loves me. He is doing this to hurt himself.

S

Mike your post just made me cry.

I have suggested going to relate but he refuses. I think he is scared of what it reveal if he does.

I am hoping his friend will help. He has already said that he would be a fool to leave but that he has a habit of destroying all that is good.

He also said not to believe him when he says he doesn't love you. He is just saying it to make it easier to walk away.

I just want him to come home. My heart is breaking.

Stephanie,

Crying is good - cleans out all those toxins in your body through the tear glands. But you can have too much of a good thing - mind, you wont need to detox for a while

Realte will see individuals separately. You need to have an initial appointment together but can go separately. I honestly think he would benefit personally from the experience - Tell him a mate of yours said ....

You do need to accept that just maybe he might want out Stephanie. Don't get your hopes up too much as to have them dashed is just so crushing and humiliating. Just take it very slowly and prod him gently. It is in the interests of both of your emotional well being.

Use the friend as a go-between, but be aware he is not independant or impartial, and will unintentionally put his own slant on things to try to make both of his friends feel better.

Broken hearts can be mended, it just takes a lot of pain and time. Trust me.

Take care

Mike

Maybe you didn't make a mistake re Edinburgh. Maybe you did. Ues I found myself in this situation but I never understood what was going on in the background. maybe if you can find out the reasons why he is acting this way you might get a clearer picture so you can move in the right direction. Good luck whichever wa it goes.