I don''t want to lose a wonderful friend

This morning I had a call from a wonderful friend''s husband. She is away at the moment and he, a past adulterer (but she forgave because her family unit was more important) told me he is relishing his freedom. He was suggestive, I tried to put him off, but eventually asked me to meet him today. I had guessed what was coming and so was ready with an excuse, then he asked me tomorrow. I made another excuse.

I don''t want to lose my friendship with his wife, and so I can''t do as I would do to any other gitface, because unfair as it would be, if I have a row with him, I would lose her friendship, I have no doubt he would see to it.

For today I put him off, but if he does call next week, any advice to put him off completely, without stirring up trouble, would be welcome please.

Err I would put it plain and simple. It''s inappropriate and tell your friend, just say to her you didn''t mean to offend her husband but didn''t feel it was appropriate.!!

Really difficult situation!
I think you need to make it really clear to him that nothing will ever happen. Making an excuse may leave him thinking there is still a chance and keep coming back for another go.

The other question is do you tell her, personally i think she would appreciate your honesty if you told her and hopefully she will direct any anger at him, not you.

Screen your calls and don''t answer the door if he calls round without his wife. If you do pick up the phone inadvertently, if he withholds his number for example, I would just say you were too busy to talk right now or just on your way out to meet someone or whatever excuse is easiest but you look forward to catching up when you see him and his wife soon. He will soon get the message, don''t dignify his suggestive comments with a response. He will only deny it or say you were seeing things that weren''t there as these types never do accept any responsibility for their own actions. So I think it''s almost pointless to make reference to his comments. He won''t accept he was inappropriate and it just strings the whole uncomfortable encounter out for no benefit at all.

Then there is nothing to tell your friend really. Even if you did, he would just say you were making it up and lets face it he will lie and it might affect the friendship you want to preserve.

Thanks, he''s an old goat, I made it clear that I would only consider a man who was 10 years younger than him, taller, fitter and so on. It was as if he thought I was describing him!! He''s a manipulative b*****d too, aren''t all such types.

Wife is a very wise woman, but she has a hell of a blind spot with him. Everyone agrees privately that she would be so much better off without him - but family is the most important thing in her life, and that means the whole traditional thing. I just can''t risk damaging that, so probably avoidance tactics until she gets home soon!

Just read Shoegirl''s, response, as usual you got it, and spot on. Will follow your advice about my calls. I have just started to answer my phone again after nuisance calls stopped, so back to admitting to friends I''m screening my calls again when I pick up on hearing their voice. Trouble is if I don''t answer, they think I''m ignoring them.

It really is B annoying though, and it makes me feel very vulnerable when this sort of thing happens. It isn''t as if I have a barrage of these men, but there are those who see a woman on her own as worth a try.

Hi Forester, I went cold when i read your story. It reminded me of something that happened to me a few years ago. I was friendly with a couple at work. She was absolutely besotted with him and she thought he felt the same way about her. He tried it on with me which altered everything. How could I stay friends with her and not him. Whilst I was soul searching about what to do, the atmosphere between her and I very quickly changed and she was absolutely hateful towards me. I had no idea what he had said to her but it was obvious that he had said something.I knew that it was absolutely pointless trying to explain what had happened, it would have broke her heart and she would not have believed a word I said. Things at work became very stressful and just when I thought things could not get any worse she claimed that i had bullied her and I had to go through a full investigation. Of course I knew that there was no case to answer to but I felt very upset at the injustice of it all. She would not let it rest and appealed against this decision and it was re investigated. This thing seemed to last forever. By this time I no longer recognised this women and as for him, I felt so angry and totally misunderstood. In the end she was warned by the business that if she continued with the hate campaign then the business would investigate her for wrongful claims against me. When all this was happening I had to work in another building I was not allowed to work where she did. I felt so miserable and my husband did not support me emotionally It was truly a horrible time and it put a lot of strain on my marriage. What followed next was totally gobsmacking. Whilst all this was going on she made friends with a young girl and 6 months later this girl ran off with her husband announcing that she was pregnant. He moved out, she dumped her husband and they moved in together.

Our frienship by then was non existant but despite what she had done to me, I truly felt for her. It was a bad time. I feel for you in this sitution because even if you are able to get the message to him that you are not interested the dynamics of your relationship with him and her as now changed and that change could alter your relationship.

I wish you well.