Bitter and twisted

its been 1 month since i found out my Husband has had an affair and i''m finding it hard not to feel such bitter feelings against this woman and my husband, obsessing over what makes her so special that he would throw away everything we had away? She is ugly (not me that says this even his family have said it) she has a reputation for being the town bike she has a boring job, no hobbies. He seems to have transfered everything we did as a couple to her, doing nothing new why? we had a loving realationship a good sex life I just can''t understand it. Its so hard when you have been together for 15 years to suddenly not knowing what they are doing and not be part of their life. I know my best revenge will be to make my life the best most interesting that i can, but i hate feeling like this, i guess its just one of the stages of seperation/grief.

Hi NicWin

nicwin wrote:

I know my best revenge will be to make my life the best most interesting that i can, but i hate feeling like this, i guess its just one of the stages of seperation/grief.

You have that exactly right. But you will feel this way. But you have enough nounce to know that its wrong to feel this way. This is good and its like an alcho knows he is an alcho. Your not in denial which is also good.

But lets break this down into whats what to help you accept it. This is what we want to get too to allow you to move forwards.

I just want to touch very quickly on acceptance before I try and tackle why you feel this way.

Acceptance is often the 1st and hardest of the phases. What you need to get to is accept that this has happened and why. Once you get acceptance under yr belt, you wont feel angry at him in the same way. You will think he is foolish (and yes he is) and perhaps you will pity him. For being so stupid to chuck what you had away.

So why did he do this? I think a lot of this sort of thing is related to Mid Life Crises. My ex did the same sort of thing. She chose a short fat hairy knob of a man over me. Ok, I am no oil painting. But I am a lot better then her fat coach driver. But he is rough and nasty. Uses his fists over his brains and is a bigot. But he had 25 affairs in his 25 year marriage. He earns about a third of what I earn and most women wouldnt look twice at him. But for my ex, he has two important things. He is like her father. And I am not. He is rough and ready. I am not. I would rather talk then fight. He will deck someone if he cant get his own way. And I think she liked that. And thats why she chose him over me. Her bad. My good as it happens and I love him now. Cos he actually set me free. I should bake him a cake one day. One with razor blades in of course

So lets move onto you. I have to say this and this may hurt you. She has something that you dont have. She is the town mattress. And that may appeal to him. I know weird right? But combined with him hitting his forties and also her being the way she is (dart board) that may appeal. But you will have to work this out yourself. It may take some time. And a lot of it could be based some guesses. But thats the best you will have.

He may also be a serial cheat. He may have cheated on you before. Often those that leave a stable well sexed home have done this before. With his current tart or with many such women. So consider this. Lastly on this subject, serial cheats are looking for something. And its not something he or she has found as yet. Often, they go from person to person to person looking for this something. Of course, this something doesnt exist. But people like this are doomed to roam the world looking for something they never find. And they end up a sad old person. On there own.

So now this leads me neatly onto you. What about you and what do you do and what challenges do you face? Apart from the obvious, the biggest challenge you may face is him wanting to come back. If she is the town hand cart as you say she is, she will dump him when she realises that he doesnt have that special thing. Or the shine goes off as she may love the conquest of taking another woman''s man. This does happen and there are men and women out there that love the the tussle of wresting the man (or women) from the safe enclave of a family. Only to toss him aside. You may be asked on one windy and rainy night to take him back. Suitcase in hand. Sad and dejected look on his sad face. Right now... You would take him back. But if you did, what would happen? Would you seek revenge and cheat with his best mate? Or would he go back to his slu* if there was an opening? This is the problem with taking a cheat back. It doesnt work. You cant forgive and forget that. People say you can. But I believe when that trust that has been built over say 15 years in your case goes, its gone for good. And also, if you had him back, you would enter into a period of yo yo existence where he goes. Comes back. Goes again as if he is connected by some knicker elastic. So as hard as it seems, let him crawl away under that stone with her.

Lastly. He is a fool. You know this I know this and anyone else reading this will also know this. Its obvious. But I guess you are loyal and thoughtful wife. You probably cooked his tea. The special meal he liked. Made his sarnies. Remembered his birthday and satisfied him in all ways like a good wife should. Nothing wrong with that at all. Its what we all should do.

So you deserve better. You deserve someone to treat you like you treated your STBX. What I am trying to tell you in a typical Marshy round the houses way, its like the shampoo. You have it cos you are worth it. And you are worth more then him. And he doesnt deserve you. So let him go. It will be hard. But not as hard as spending the next 5 or so years being in some kind of triangle and be back here with a bigger problem.

Very lastly. And this isnt very nice. Get down the GUM clinic and get some tests done. I did that and the 6 or so weeks wait for the HIV test was a very long time. But worth it. C.

Thank you Marshy for your brilliant reply to the OP

Its many years ago that my marriage of 30yrs ended with my ex going off with a two wheel non-motorised mode of transport but your post still made me realise a few things.

Nicwin you are in the early stages and your emotions will be all over the place. Its hard not to "hate" them in the early days but, with time, will move through the various stages of grief.

What Marshy has told you is absolutely spot on.

My ex had an affair way back, I forgave him and thought he would never put me through it again

20+ years later he began displaying the same behaviour but this time he had made a bad choice, this OW has destroyed numerous marriages. He became deceitful, denied anything was going on, nearly put me in my grave. He did not however take into account her actions. One of the men she lived with and dumped tried to go back to his wife who had moved on, he committed suicide.

They are still together, which is a good thing, she isn''t ruining other peoples lives but, are they happy!

He is not allowed to go anywhere on his own, they have NO friends, they eat, work, live and sleep together not my idea of a happy, healthy relationship.

You will get through this and come out the other side stronger, take time and make sure you look after you.

I also went and had full STI tests including HIV, Hep B & Hep C. You can go to any GUM clinic in the country, I went to the next county and they were so supportive. Its well worth the effort for the peace of mind. As you will know, its not how many people you have had S.I. with, its how many your partner and their partners have been with.

Big hug,
NWTT x

Well you''re one month in so your emotions are a roller coaster. Just hold on and be kind to yourself! You job right now is to survive, to put yourself first, to eat and drink and sleep. That''s it.

There will be plenty of time later to understand what happened and why. You can take the time to examine your role in all of this and learn lots about yourself. This journey does not have to be all negative, not at all. But now is not the time for that. For now, just hold on.

Also get lots of support. I have pasted below the text I send to new people. I hope it helps a little.

************

I did lots of things wrong in the beginning but I did a few things right as well. All of the points below helped me move along.

1. Get support. I talked to a LOT of people but I was very careful who I told what to. Most people were so ready to support me which was awesome but the ones that knew both of us really didn''t want to get into the details. I was very specific with the kind of support I needed from different individuals. From some I needed to have a laugh. From others I needed them to listen. From others still I needed their opinion. Others I needed them to feed me. etc. The key for me was to talk, talk, talk. I have probably talked to a hundred people that have been through something similar. Understanding that there is a script to these things was quite eye opening to me. Knowing that the leaver will deny, blame and justify helped me. Knowing that a lot of the garbage that comes out of their mouths not only is not true but has no basis in reality helped as well.

2. Get away. As soon as I was healthy enough I went away on a trip to the sun. Soon after that I went away again to visit family and childhood friends. This was very, very good. Just get away for a few days even. Get some space. I like long drives and have done a few solo trips with 6+ hour drives through the mountains. Getting away like that brings me back to my 20s and is very healing for me.

3. Don''t beg, it is as pathetic as it sounds. I had a few bad moments when I was begging her to reconsider. It was pathetic. When she was in the "fantasy bubble" as I like to call it there is no reason that will be considered. You have to realise at that moment, in their minds, everything is going to be amazing. They''ve never been this happy. Never. So let it go. The fantasy will wear off eventually and then you can see where you are.

4. Take care of you. This is the biggest one. Be kind and patient with yourself. Put yourself first. Really first. Not your kids, but you. It''s like on the airplane when they say put the oxygen mask on you first. You have to take care of you then you will be fit enough to take care of others in your life. This will take time and a lot of hard work. It''s worth it. Why? Because you''re worth it. You. Can you commit to taking care of you? This is a very new concept for so many people. Can you truly love yourself? Can you look into yourself and see a person of value? A person worthy of love?

5. Know that you''ll be more than ok. You''ll be awesome. Honest. The future is not yet written and you have a huge hand in it. The best path forward is making your life great.

Another interesting thing I learned is that the stories are not particularly unique. In fact, the more I talk to others that have been through this, the more the stories are all so sickeningly similar. Honestly, I have not truly moved on but I am doing ok. I have learned a ton about myself and the type of person I am. I have looked deeply into myself and started to understand my role in all of this. Why did I allow myself to be treated so poorly? How did the total breakdown in communication contribute to the environment? I think you move on, if that is even the right phrase, by doing the work on you. What was your role? Who are you and who do you want to be?

One more thing. Stop reading so many books on this subject. Get out and have more fun! This is your life and you get to choose what happens next! Commit to being awesome.

I have no doubt that I am going to come through this stronger. That is my 100% commitment to myself.

Take good care of you

You''re entitled to feel bitter and angry, it''s a normal reaction to your situation.

It doesn''t really matter if the OW is ugly or the town bike,he has made his choice. Would you have felt better if she was stunning and a model? I don''t think so!

Don''t waste anymore time that you have to, wondering why he''s with her...they''re not worth your head space.

YOU are the most important person here, look after you and when you''re ready start embracing your new life.

Yes it''s scary but it also opens up so many new opportunities. Grab it with both hands.

I love my new life now and so will you.

Hi Nicwin, the good thing is you are here, and here you will find understanding and lots of support. I hadn''t read Canuck''s post before but even though I''m past all the horrible stuff that you are going through at the moment, his words are very wise and I think well worth following. In the early days a friend said to me the big thing is not to be bitter, let that go as soon as you can. And it''s hard, but for your own sake do your best.

Talking really helped, and I''m not ashamed of this, mad as it sounds and was, I found myself telling complete strangers all sorts of parts of it. Somehow this spilling of my turmoil helped me come to terms with what had happened, and nowadays of course I have returned to keeping my life private except to very close friends. So do what you need to do. And write it out. I have a notebook and I spilled in that, it helped, as did the completely bonkers sounding writing to myself, telling myself my strengths, commending myself just for getting up in the morning knowing how desperate I was feeling. I read a little recently, it was all over the place, and it was so sad, importantly though I could see how much the pain had dissipated. And it will continue to dissipate. I was married just short of 30 years, but I feel and look 10 years younger nowadays than I looked before it all happened - and that''s been said to me by everyone, no exceptions, and that means my ex too. It is amazing how living with someone who is destroying your confidence by their nastiness, also destroys your health too. I hope in time you discover this plus side for yourself.

Hugs, care and warmth are yours whenever you need them.

Hi nicwin, my journey into the dark tunnel has just begun and I have been given some heart warming support. It does really help. Can I just say that Forester advised me to write to myself and give myself a smile and a hug. I tried the smile, it looked a bit mechanical but in the end it made me laugh. I have started writing to myself and it''s great. I did not think about what I was writing at first I just wrote and wrote and its wierd but I was able to stand outside myself and see me, the real me and its her that I want to write to. It is quite revealing, thanks Forester, its the best thing i''ve done since he left.

I hope you feel a bit better soon nicwin and my advice is keep coming into wikiv. I have read and learned so much in a short space of time. It a great comfort to me to know that there are people out there who understand what you are going through and will steer you through this. sending you a big hug xXx