should i feel this regretful

My husband rang me on Tuesday to discuss the house. When he left (16 weeks ago) he said that he wanted to sell it. I said that it might not sell straight away, in fact it might not sell for a while. He said he would sell it a loss if he had to.

Tuesday he asked me what I wanted to do with the house. He said that it did not matter to him. He said he did not need the money any time soon so whatever I wanted to do it was alright with him. Yesterday i made contact with him and said that I wanted to stay in the house and just that.I could not give him a time scale, I just know that right now I just want to stay in my home. I would like to be able to buy him out but that would cost me about 35k. I asked him if was still prepared to sell for less than its worth. In other words would he sell his half to me at a loss. He said I have to get a proper evaluation. He said that no matter what happened in the future the house would always remain 50% mine.

I also mentioned to him that I wanted the household bills in my name and that I wanted to pay for them through my account and not his. He said that he did not understand why i wanted to change things, they were working fine as they were. I do not want to get into conflict mode with him so I just said that I thought it was best thing to do but he just said i dont think there is any need to change things. It felt a little awkward so I changed the subject.

Before he left we had been saving money for my car. but after he left he said that he needed the money for himself now so that was the end of that. I passed my test last year and I am not confident behind the wheel. It took me 4 attempts to pass. I had wanted a car as soon as i passed because i thought it would help me get over my nerve. But he said that I did not need a car yet blah blah blah. He has now said that i can have his car once he has moved away from the area. In March the insurance is due and he has now offered to but me as the named driver and pay the insurance which will be a lot higher than his, who as several years no claims.

Yesterday and today I felt myself getting more and more down. I feel that he is such a good perosn and that its all my fault he has left. I feel really bad and filled with so much regret. whilst talking to him yesterday he said that he could not talk to me about how he was feeling because i would have over reacted and give him no peace. He said that he knew he had not treated me right and not looked after me emotionally. But he wished I had have understood that he just could not support me in the way I needed him to.

I now feel even worse than I did before. I can feel it building up in me but knowing what I do now I dont know how I am going to deal with this one. I want to run to him and tell him how much I regret how I was and that I will do whatever it takes to fix us. But he''s gone now and made his escape. Thats how it feels, he''s escaped the mad woman. Please can someone put this into some kind of perspective for me so that I don''t feel this bad about myself.

Littlegreen (hugs)

It is very early days for you don''t beat yourself up so much, you are still in a state of shock.

What really helped me in the early days is the no contact rule 60 days seems a long time but it flies by & tbh this was the only way I could take control of my surroundings as my x was a very controlling person. You get out of practice of being your own self when under that atmosphere & the only way to break free is to have that non contact.

There were also several books I read which helped; idiots guide for divorce (cos I need to know the things that will / could happen), the relate books "starting again" & "have a happy divorce" really helped, there are exercises in these which helps you self evaluate your actions / reactions etc. these helped me see my situation from the outside in, I know they were right because once I''d read these and mentioned them to close a couple of close friends who knew my situation they said "finally you see it ..."

Take baby steps, look after yourself, eat little & often, go for walks & tell that inner voice "demon" off so to speak ... No it is not all your fault, you are not a bad, mad person - it takes two to get married & 2 to get divorced, in my case I now see that some of my reactions to my X''s actions were flawed, wrong & that contributed to our demise but so did his actions / reactions we all play part in these things but it is not all your fault & it does not make you a bad person .... Only human!!

What I cannot understand is your housing situation, am I correct that you are getting a divorce? If so surely you will both want a Clean Break? I am not an expert in the housing side tbh, what does your solicitor say? I would be wary of your x saying one thing then changing his mind when talking to his sols etc, you need good advice on this area & don''t take your X''s word on this / that I personally would only believe something from x if it was legally written down lol.

I cannot understand him wanting to keep the bills etc in his name, surely this is a control issue, if he is no longer in the house then really the person in the house should be responsible for the payment of bills ect. If he won''t change them into your name I would ring the suppliers & inform them of the situation & if poss close those accounts & set up others in your own name.

Again for the car, if itis agreed that this will be your car, then have it legally written into the Consent Order & have the registration turned over to you, not as a named driver as then the car could be taken off you on a whim & you would not be able to sell if even if you wanted to.

All a bit muddled to me tbh, if he has left, wants a divorce, but still seems to want full fincial control ?? - get lost, controlling from a distance. As for his "stuff" in the house I would pack it all up & ask him to collect it, if this is not possible then store the boxes in the loft / garage / spare room? How can you move on with all this holding you back - very cathartic parking it all up & away

Post on here when you want to vent, talk ask etc

Stay strong JJx

Hi LittleGreen.

The way I see it, you have this huge mountain in front of you and you are attempting to climb it all in one go. No one can do that. This is another way to say that you have all these problems and you are combining them into one big problem and trying to sort them all out in one fell swoop. Including BTW how you feel. So lets try and separate them out for now. It will be more manageable for you. And you can knock things off one by one and it will be easier for you to comprehend and actually achieve something.

The Car. I think that you should just let this go for now. I know that you need a car and you passed your test and all and that it will boost your confidence if you can drive it, its best to let it alone for now. If you can let this go, it will ease your load a little. There will be time later for you to get a car. But you have bigger fish to fry. Some times you have to let things go. And this is one of those times.


The bills. I know you want the bills in your name so that you can pay them to ensure that they are paid. This makes sense to me. But there are number of ways of tackling this. First way: Contact the service companies and tell them that you will be paying from now on. They will send you a DD mandate and or you can fill it out over the phone and they will take the money from the bank. Another way is ring them and ask them to notify you by email or letter or what ever if it doesnt get paid. Last way, leave it as it is. He is paying. Who likes bills? Can he pay mine for me? Understand why you are doing this. Deal with the root cause of the problem and the problem goes away. I think the root cause is you feel insecure about these bills.

You and your feelings of guilt. We all feel guilty for the things we have done. But what good does it do? No good what so ever. What is done is done. It didnt work out for what ever reason and that reason doesnt matter. What does matter is we deal with the here and now and let the past stay in the past. There is no point raking over cold coals. They are done and dusted and you have a future to think of.

So what I suggest you do, is have a good old chin wag with yourself and tell yourself some home truths. These are: It didnt work out. U have to get out of this mess and U have to move forwards with your life. It was good while it lasted but it ended. Learn from this. Dont make the same mistakes again.

This is what life actually is. Its a learning process. So that when you get old, you know a few things. But we all make mistakes. Your not perfect and nor am I. The crime is to make the same mistake again.

Your not Joan of Ark. Not even Ms Ark was all that good. So dont sweat it so much. You are what you are. What happened happened. And thats that. Onwards and upwards. No more feelings of guilt and what may have been. It wont help one little bit. But accepting that it didnt work and moving forwards with the knowledge that you learned something will. Stay cool sister. C.

Thank you so much for your advice. Right now i am a mess and stuck in a world that just wants what I had and I''m really sorry if this is going against everything that you are advising but thats truly how I feel. When all I want is him its really hard to think about a future that does not include him. I am 55 years old and I will probably have to work now till i am 70. I will loose my home and probably have to rent for the rest of my life. I fear that I will be on my own forever and I''m sorry but this life does appeal to me. What else can I say.

8 weeks before he left we had just returned from a 4 week holiday. We traveled in an old classic car around Europe. It was great and once we got home we talked about our next trip and where we could go next, now its all gone. He says the car has to go but he has not sold it yet. Its just a car I know but we had a lot of fun in it and I was so proud to be owner of such a beautiful iconic car. I am really sorry if talking this way is p...ing people off, thats the last thing i want and I know you guys have a lot more experience than me on this subject but when I hear things like my life and my future without him and that I have to accept its over I just fold. It just feels so bleak. My reality is this. Me and my husband worked together for 12 years, same place, same shift. We went to work together came home together, went out together, lived our lives together. I hate admitting this to people but i do not have any friends. There said it,I have no friends how bad is that. I have my brothers who are brilliant but they live 50 miles away from me and whilst they are here for me I sometimes sense that they dont want to hear this sh.. anymore. When I think about my future I''m really scared and nothing appeals to me, I am sorry but that the god''s honest truth.

My boss at work has just promoted me and I am now responsible for the whole plant and operations from Friday throught till Monday. Its a lot of responsibility but its just the thing i need right now. This is my 3rd weekend and I am really enjoying it I am good at what I do.But then I come home and once inside I stay inside. I potter about and do housework blah blah blah and then i go back to work. As I said we did everything together. I know he is doing the exact same thing as me. Going to work and going back to the house he is staying at. What is the point of all this pain. I have so much love for this man and I dont think he has stopped loving me. I could never get involved with any one else. So my future is on my own and whilst theres nothing wrong with that, if I had a choice of being on my own or being with him it''s a no brainer.

I have not been to see a solicitor nor as he. He said that a divorce is nothing. A few signatures on paper and thats it but he then said that he had not given it any thought. He said thats way down the line. The only comment i made is that divorce is not a nothing to me.

I think that the best course of action for me is to stay still and take each day as it comes. I agree about the no contact thing. As hard as that is for me to think I wont see him, the truth is I haven''t seen him for 4 weeks and when he said he would come and see me on Tuesday to discuss the house I asked him to call me instead.

Sorry i''m going on a bit. I''m tired and need to sleep got a busy day tomorrow. Thank you for being there for me. Did you feel like this at the beginning.

Oooh littlegreen,
I know exactly how you feel.
I''m 54. I don''t have the No Contact to worry about COZ we still live under same roof, 5 months down the line
He was everything to me.

I try to come to terms then he walks in thru door aaaah.

He also told me that he would consider selling house for lot less than its worth.
BUT what he suggested was ridiculous.
He''s in F/T well paid job.
Me I''m (to be politically correct ) a Homemaker......
Job Centre says thats what I should put down on any job applications......

Talking about cars his is a big estate car (getting old I know) (the car that is!!!!!)
Mine is a clapped out little......
Infact when I drive it people think, when they hear it coming along that I''m driving a Sherman Tank.Its on its last legs but the little Sweetheart in his financial Agreement said that I could KEEP my car......
Well it won''t be long before it is in "Car Heaven" then I''ll have to buy myself another Heh &&&&& I willreally have the money!!!!!!

Keep strong.
Every one here will give you such support.
(((HUGS)))x

Hi Littlegreen, Your post said so much to me and my first reaction to when I finished reading it was that if you re-read it in 6 months, maybe longer, so much of what you need to understand is there already written out.

You are not mad, you are sad, very very sad. You are a woman full of love for your husband and learning that love is not enough to hold someone who wants to go, and that is one of the most painful emotions someone of our age has to face. And you are alone, you can have lots of friends, but even so you are alone, and that''s horrible (but you will discover, that is OK, not frightening at all). And you are right at the beginning of probably the most difficult emotional journey of your life, and it just isn''t one you want to take but are being forced to - and although it gets easier, you will even a long way down the road sometimes look backwards and hanker for what you had - I know, I''m speaking from experience. But here''s the upside, along the way you will reconnect with you, you will look at situations in your past from a new perspective, and here I should just say I agree and support everything that FairyLT wrote, including her practical advice.

Right now your husband is confused, he doesn''t want to be with you and will definitely be exploring other possibilities - horrible to say so, but I just couldn''t believe the possibility when it was put to me, dismissed the idea as complete rubbish, until of course I found the evidence and damn near imploded with the horror of it. At the same time a part of him doesn''t want the change either. Over 2 years later, divorced for 6 months, my ex has no interest in pushing the sale of our marital home, even with me in it, but not selling because of the market conditions - he prefers to borrow to finance his new lifestyle, rather than discuss dropping the price. That is the last part of his guilt, but it will change and I anticipate some pressure will come just because of the passage of time will lessen the residual feelings he has for me. Because even when he left, I knew he still loved me, but he loves himself so much more, and wants the excitement of living like a young man again and I represent restrictions. (Please please look to separating and safeguarding your finances, when they go this route at their age, they often go reckless with money and you can end up paying for it)

And then there is the control, keeping you down, and making you walk on eggshells so you don''t upset him in the desperate hope he will come back to you, and you don''t want anything of your behaviour to make him think that he''s better of without you. Well honey, ''it don''t work!'' If I had my time again, I''d have shocked him by clearing out his clothes (that he still refuses to take and by now the mice in the garage will have made beds in them). I would have treated him as meanly as he treated me, but whilst I remained standing still with my arms held out to him imploring him to come back to me, he felt safe to continue being outrageous.

You strike me as a lovely person, and if you want to make new friends, it will happen. Before, you were such a unit with your husband you probably didn''t give people much of a chance; by and by and like many at Wiki, you will in times to come be telling newbies how that part of your life changed so much for the better. Right now you know you have the very best friend with you, she''s right there in the mirror, smile at her, she deserves that, give her a hug too, cry with her, she''s sad too, and above all don''t criticise her, she''s had enough of all that, tell her her good points, keep reinforcing them until she at last believes them too - write them in a letter to her. And if all that sounds barking, so be it, but try it first and when people look at you and tell you that you seem so much more open, that your appearance has improved immensely - you''ll realise I''m very very sane, even though my ex has told me on numerous occasions that I''m mad, that I am everything low, useless, stupid and ugly, and I believed him.

Oh and it''s OK to still be working at 70, preferably part time, good for the brain and it is all part of a healthy balance.

With love from a friend.

You people are so lovely, i feel very overwhelmed right now. I have not long got in from work and I have had a very busy day. Its been mentally and physically challenging but it''s all done and now i can relax until 12 tomorrow before it starts again.

Last night after i had replied and said how felt i went to bed feeling a bit sad and could not turn my head off. I knew I had an early start and a busy day so I needed to shut me up. I started to cry and I thought oh here we go, hold on to your hat honey you not getting any sleep tonight. in the end i went into my sons bedroom. They are sharing at the moment whilst we decorate the other room. I dont like to be upset in front of them because they feel pretty helpless and I dont want them to feel bad but what followed was so touching that it carried me through the day all day today.

I cried whilst i laid down on my yougest son''s bed. He''s 20 years old and he got off the bed and went to my room brought my quilt, pillow and hot water bottle and tucked me in and said come and sleep in here with us. My eldest son said that my husband was right the house was unhappy and it was unhappy because of him. He then said i feel like ive got my mum back. My youngest hugged me till i feel asleep.

Reading your very kind words is truly inspiring and I will respond to your advice but not tonight. I''m really tired and ready for bed. I just dont want you to think that I haven''t read your kind words. I''m really touched, thank you...xXx