Why? Why? Why?

Hi everyone,

Yes, its me (used to be lifesabitch, and JJ49) but forgot my password for JJ49 and so now have had to re-register as JJ50. The last time I was on this site was around 3 weeks or so ago. My husband who I discovered having an affair just before xmas was pestering me telling me he loves me and kids and that the affair was over and he wanted to come back to us. I felt so unsure (still do actually) about what to do and whether or not to have him back that i ended up having a nasty accident in the car (nobody hurt thank god) but car is a write off! Anyhow I ended up really frightened about the affect that all of this was having on me and decided to take off for a couple of weeks with the children so we have been in Croatia since then. It was great having no phones (mobile or land line) and no contact with anyone (family etc) and I actually managed to unwind and forget a lot of my problems. stbx could not keep telling me how much he loves me and wants to come back. Unfortunately, we had to come home as I ran out of money and places to stay, spent 2 weeks on the island of Lopud and 3 days in a B&B on Sipan and then 3 days in an apartment (or pension) on kolocep. I can recommend these group of islands to anyone as Croatia is beautiful especially Lopud which has a glorious sandy beach which we all loved it also has no cars on the island just little buggies to and from beach and harbour it is totally unspoilt and is a little lost in time (just a great place to chill and watch the world go by)

Unfortunately, I arrived back last night and stbx is back to pestering me about what I am going to do whether I am getting a divorce or whether we can sort it out! I am not the one who was unhappy in the marriage enough to have an affair or cause so much pain and hurt he is. He says he is sorry, he now knows what he wants and that is me he should never have done it he was not unhappy he is even trying to blame her for most of it now (she is 22 he is 46) She has moved out of her flat, he does not know where she has gone to live (so he says) He knows he wants me and kids not anyone else and definitely not her (even calling her names now i.e s....g etc) I just dont get it how come after we have been married for 16 years can he honestly say he loves me after he did this to me, I have literally fallen apart because of it, im not the same woman I was before xmas because of his affair. I had him back xmas and he cheated again in January, I had him back January and then she informs me he texts her and goes to her flat in March and then I threw him out. He says she was lying but then he was with her all through March and April for definite because like an idiot I used to drive round their at 2.00 a.m and 4.00 a.m to see if his car was there and guess what it always was, but he reckons now that she was his mate and as I had thrown him out he thought he may as well go round there as I did not want him anyway (well if now he wants to come back didnt he think it a bit silly to be her MATE) during this time.

I think im going mad, i actually try and convince myself that maybe there might be some truth in what he says because I guess im scared to be alone (why?) i have been alone before when my first husband died so why am I scared now? is it because i have 2 children or because now im approaching 50 instead of 30 or what?

If I had him back what sort of life would we have? Fighting and arguing? We never even argued until now, and I know that sounds incredible but it is true. I was happy, I thought we were happily married, I was content to be a housewife and mum while he built up his business, I was happy to go without things like clothes, makeup, hairdo, expensive nights out etc while he indulged himself with cars, cd's dvd's and his friday nights out with his mates while i babysat his children and my mum for the last 2 years and he betrayed me with a girl I used to work with before I became a carer for my mum. which I would add was his idea that she live with us when my dad died and i give up my little part time job where she worked and so did her ex-boyfriend. Seems to me now that he may have been having the affair when my dad died in 2006 although he denies it all but I cant prove it. Would he really be that evil? I dont know but I cant help feeling that it was a bit convenient basically making me a prisoner in my own home looking after a disabled mum while he worked long long hours and still went out with work colleagues, mates etc.

Why is he saying he loves me and wants to come back? Why did he not leave her and stay with me when I forgave him xmas or January? What does he want from me?

I dont hate him, i guess I have a heart v head thing going on. I wish I could have just stayed away for ever.

Before I went away I told solicitor to put divorce on hold as I did not feel like I knew what I was doing she is going to call me this week to find out whether to continue or not and I dont know what to tell her. She said she has done a lot of work already and that if I delay for too long all the work will have to be done again and I will have to pay for it again, i dont know what to do folks for the first time in my life I dont honestly know what to do for the best, not for me, kids, future or anything. I dont see a rosy future with or without him really I cant see through the tears which I thought would have stopped by now (i mean how many tears can one person cry for chistsake)

Its good to let off steam on this site. Hope I have not bored you all too much

JJ

Hi JJ,
after reading your post, I think you have answered your own question, you dont trust him, when you tried to make a go of it again he cheated, again. some men will always be looking for the next one to come along and hope that until she does the good old wife will take him back, look after him, love and care for him until he thinks something better or younger comes along.
divorce the bugger and start enjoying your life, like you did on holiday without him.
You know if you had him back he will cheat again and more than likely blame you for having the next affair, you and your children deserve to be happy, without him you will be.
I tried like you to forgive and forget but as he was telling me how much he loved me and was trying 100% to make it work he was seeing other women, they are good at telling lies and saying the words you want to hear but they dont mean it.
take care, enjoy your life and take comfort that you havent fallen for the same lies he used before, that you are now a stronger person and can see through it all.
I dont mean to be cruel, i just know how hard it is when they start with the lies and how much you want to believe them.
kindest regards
dawn

from your story there JJ, I wouldnt trust him as far as I could throw him. I think you're husband wants to keep you on a leish..you are his comfort blanket to cover himself with or to throw off whenever he feels like it. He has not respected you in any way shape or form and will continue to disrespect you if you take him back. I know its really scary to consider an uncertain future...when you are in a marriage, you can at least feel secure and settled thinking that you know what the future will have in store..and its scary being alone..but as you said..youve done it once..you can do it again.
I have a friend who is about to apply for divorce at the age of 60. She lost her first husband...second husband she has only been married to for 3 years and she has discovered he has had affairs. At this time in her life, as she said, its really scary to be alone...at the age of 60 she was looking forward to companionship and a happy retirement with someone she deeply loves. But not to be. So she is taking the bull by the horns...has joined an over 45's singles club and has taken up salsa dancing! And she says she is damn well going to be happy!
Lovie..you have 10 years on my friend...you can do it!...