Why? Why? Why?

Hi everyone,

Yes, its me (used to be lifesabitch, and JJ49) but forgot my password for JJ49 and so now have had to re-register as JJ50. The last time I was on this site was around 3 weeks or so ago. My husband who I discovered having an affair just before xmas was pestering me telling me he loves me and kids and that the affair was over and he wanted to come back to us. I felt so unsure (still do actually) about what to do and whether or not to have him back that i ended up having a nasty accident in the car (nobody hurt thank god) but car is a write off! Anyhow I ended up really frightened about the affect that all of this was having on me and decided to take off for a couple of weeks with the children so we have been in Croatia since then. It was great having no phones (mobile or land line) and no contact with anyone (family etc) and I actually managed to unwind and forget a lot of my problems. stbx could not keep telling me how much he loves me and wants to come back. Unfortunately, we had to come home as I ran out of money and places to stay, spent 2 weeks on the island of Lopud and 3 days in a B&B on Sipan and then 3 days in an apartment (or pension) on kolocep. I can recommend these group of islands to anyone as Croatia is beautiful especially Lopud which has a glorious sandy beach which we all loved it also has no cars on the island just little buggies to and from beach and harbour it is totally unspoilt and is a little lost in time (just a great place to chill and watch the world go by)

Unfortunately, I arrived back last night and stbx is back to pestering me about what I am going to do whether I am getting a divorce or whether we can sort it out! I am not the one who was unhappy in the marriage enough to have an affair or cause so much pain and hurt he is. He says he is sorry, he now knows what he wants and that is me he should never have done it he was not unhappy he is even trying to blame her for most of it now (she is 22 he is 46) She has moved out of her flat, he does not know where she has gone to live (so he says) He knows he wants me and kids not anyone else and definitely not her (even calling her names now i.e s....g etc) I just dont get it how come after we have been married for 16 years can he honestly say he loves me after he did this to me, I have literally fallen apart because of it, im not the same woman I was before xmas because of his affair. I had him back xmas and he cheated again in January, I had him back January and then she informs me he texts her and goes to her flat in March and then I threw him out. He says she was lying but then he was with her all through March and April for definite because like an idiot I used to drive round their at 2.00 a.m and 4.00 a.m to see if his car was there and guess what it always was, but he reckons now that she was his mate and as I had thrown him out he thought he may as well go round there as I did not want him anyway (well if now he wants to come back didnt he think it a bit silly to be her MATE) during this time.

I think im going mad, i actually try and convince myself that maybe there might be some truth in what he says because I guess im scared to be alone (why?) i have been alone before when my first husband died so why am I scared now? is it because i have 2 children or because now im approaching 50 instead of 30 or what?

If I had him back what sort of life would we have? Fighting and arguing? We never even argued until now, and I know that sounds incredible but it is true. I was happy, I thought we were happily married, I was content to be a housewife and mum while he built up his business, I was happy to go without things like clothes, makeup, hairdo, expensive nights out etc while he indulged himself with cars, cd's dvd's and his friday nights out with his mates while i babysat his children and my mum for the last 2 years and he betrayed me with a girl I used to work with before I became a carer for my mum. which I would add was his idea that she live with us when my dad died and i give up my little part time job where she worked and so did her ex-boyfriend. Seems to me now that he may have been having the affair when my dad died in 2006 although he denies it all but I cant prove it. Would he really be that evil? I dont know but I cant help feeling that it was a bit convenient basically making me a prisoner in my own home looking after a disabled mum while he worked long long hours and still went out with work colleagues, mates etc.

Why is he saying he loves me and wants to come back? Why did he not leave her and stay with me when I forgave him xmas or January? What does he want from me?

I dont hate him, i guess I have a heart v head thing going on. I wish I could have just stayed away for ever.

Before I went away I told solicitor to put divorce on hold as I did not feel like I knew what I was doing she is going to call me this week to find out whether to continue or not and I dont know what to tell her. She said she has done a lot of work already and that if I delay for too long all the work will have to be done again and I will have to pay for it again, i dont know what to do folks for the first time in my life I dont honestly know what to do for the best, not for me, kids, future or anything. I dont see a rosy future with or without him really I cant see through the tears which I thought would have stopped by now (i mean how many tears can one person cry for chistsake)

Its good to let off steam on this site. Hope I have not bored you all too much

JJ

Hi,

I'm very new to this but my advice would be to give it time. Let him woo you if he wants you. Let him build up your trust and respect - if he can.

You will never know what went on with his affair. You don't know now if he is turning to you because he is panicking or because he truly loves you.

So - if he truly loves you he will wait for you, he will work hard to gain your trust and he will do so without making you feel guilty or complaining. If he can't do this after all he has put you through then he doesn't really love you so much does he?

Keep on with the divorce - you don't have to apply for the absolute. Maintain your independence and dignity. Good luck!

Is yours the brother/son of my STBX?
You've taken the first steps don't go backwards, I forgave and tried to forget time after time because when we were together everything was great. Trouble was he had an Out of Sight, Out of Mind brain and I was often out of his sight. There were affairs at work, one with my best? friend, one with one of his students and round and round again to currently someone at work (the same age as his son!)and probably plenty others I didn't know about.
Unless he is a miraculous new species of spot-changing leopard he will do it again and you'll be older but no wiser.
Mine tells me he still loves me, but he also loves her. He wants to be my best friend and still see me (when it is convenient for him). He is clearly afraid of being left on his own. I spent a year dithering after I found out (it had been going on for over two years then) and letting him play my feeling to his own ends.
It is really hard to tell yourself that enough is finally enough, take that first deep breath and go it alone.
Think of your children, they will know a lot more about what is going on than you think - mine have surprised me by their depth of feeling about the past and have said that no way would they want me to be back with their father and I deserve better. They have now said how much his behaviour used to upset them and they think I should have left long ago but they had to pretend that they knew nothing. They are my greatest support as they are determined that I will get out of my despondent ruts and have a brilliant new life.
It is hard to start a new life whatever your age, the difficulties when you are older are only different to those you would have had if twenty years younger. They can still be overcome.
Go on with the divorce, don't be conned into not making your and your childrens future as financially secure as you can, if you eventually meet someone else who deserves you, and knows/appreciates it, great - if not does it really matter that much? There is lots of things to do out there and many are much better than a lousy, cheating husband. Look on the 'Things I don't Miss' forum page - even better with a glass of wine and a bar of chocolate!
Good Luck

Hi JJ

U haven't bored at all, as u say it's good to let off steam on here.
Reading thru your thread, one thing struck me, how it was all about what's best for everyone else, what your husband says he wants and how he says he still loves you.NOTHING about whether u still love him and saying what a relief it has been to be away from it for a few weeks.
It doesn't sound like at the moment at least u can trust him and I def do not think u should stop the divorce all together, as 40 not out says u don't have to apply for the absolute til u ready.
If u want to, let him woo u, but if, as it sounds like at the moment, u don't want that either, tell him that u r not ready. If he truly loves and respects u he'll wait as long as is needed.It doesn't matter how long u take to come to a better place he should be prepared to do anything.
I think it is completely different to when your first husband died, he did not chose to leave u and u could grieve for him without having to question the truth of all your memories together. This time u have doubts about things that happened several years ago and not without reason I would add.
I'm not going to give an opinion about him changing, I think everyone is different and at the end of the day u have got to do what makes u happy, but that's the important bit, do it for u, not him, the kids or anyone else.And if u don't know yet, take the time to find out.
Take care
U r welcome to PM me
Scared x x

You will never know why. Blunt but true. I didn't understand why either and standing back its really not my problem. Its the other halfs. Somebody convinced themselves of XYZ because of one thing. GUILT. I thnk your post is better the devil you know rather than the devil you dont. Dont get me wrong. Im older than you and dont see much future ahead of me either. Maybe you could ask the question could you ever trust again. And only you know the answer. Sorry so negative.

i really feel for you, i now its hard to let go after a long term relationship and its really difficult to start thinking as a ME instead of an US, but i think for the sake of your own sanity you need to let go, my stb ex had affairs, always promising it wont happen again take me back its you i love etc etc, everything we've all heard before, but it got to a point where it started to affect my mental health, the torment of wondering if he was 'at it' again, and in my experience he lied through his teeth time and time again, and he is so damn good at it, his latest conquest was the final straw and i realised that it's me and my mind, body and soul that counts and he is the one thats wrecking it, i have finally took steps to divorce him and as far as i'm concerned there is no going back. even now 10 months on he is still lying about the woman who he now lives with,and has since the day i found out about her and kicked him out, he still maintains that he had only met with her for a 'drink'on two occasions, despite the fact that numerous people (mainly his work colleauges) have told me it was going on for 2 years before i found out.once the trust has gone its really really difficult to get past that, i wish you all the best.

I spent a long time in a similar situation, but whilst I was working to see if we could salvage anything, he put his efforts into preventing discovery rather than stopping his deceptions. The turning point for me was when a Relate counsellor expressed surprise that I wanted to stay married, and I started to think more about why I wanted to be with someone who treated me this way.There are several books, ("Women who love too much" for one) which were helpful trying to answer that for myself.