Trust and Insecurity :(

Hi Carlos.

What you talk about are classic divorce scenario''s that we all go thru during this journey. Further, when you talk about your new relationship a lot of those that are in the same boat as you will be able to identify with your story. So what you are facing is not unique. But it is to you. But you will learn. Like we all did. So stick around and use us. This is why we are here.

The simple truth is that when two people get together who are married to someone else, there are issues. Issues with trust. Issues with insecurity, issues with money, issues with wayward ex''s that wont play ball. You both have to fight to stay together. But if you can come thru your respective divorces and sort everything out, it can bring you closer. But you have to make allowances and be cool. I think you must admit that you wasnt cool about the letters. Incidents like this drive a wedge between you. You may want to think how you will react to such incidents again. As this sort of thing does not help you.

Your partner will have issues of trust. What she went thru with her ex will have left its mark. The mistake is that you think that you can keep telling her that you are different and that it will be ok and that she will trust you. The problem is that people are not made that way. People in this situation need time. Time to process what has happened to them and time to rebuild trust. But over time, she will learn (by your concerted actions) that you are not the same as her ex. You are a man. Sure. But not all men are the same. Like not all women are the same. But this takes time to process and we need a spell of healing. You can help her by reassuring her and doing right by her. Day in day out. Same good things. A little by little she will come to see you as different. Someone that is worth something and someone to admire and trust. This is how relationships (that are meant to last) are built. Slowly and surely.

If you was both single when you met, things would most likely be different. But you were not single. So you have to take this pain of two or three years that it will take to sort it all out.

I think counselling will help you both. It will give you both a chance to air your issues thru a third party and perhaps understand how you each feel. This can only be good and will actually bring you closer.

Lastly... What may help you is compartmentalise all thats in front of you. You have your divorce. The sale of your old house. The financial resolution. The cost of it all. You have your new relationship. Her divorce. Her child and your relationship with that child. Deal with all these elements separately. Doing it this way makes it easier to deal with. Trying to look at it as all one big issue is a mistake. It looks like a mountain to climb when it can be just a series of hills. I liken it to eating an elephant. You couldnt in one sitting. But you could one bit at a time. C.

You both know you''re capable of doing the offski and leaving your spouses.
That''s where the insecurities and suspicions come from.
I don''t know whether you was cheating on your wife too that''s a bit vague.
But she certainly was on her husband and had someone else on the go at the same time as you an all initially.
People judge life by their own standards she knows she can cheat and be unfaithful.Hence why she suspects everyone else does it too.
You ain''t gonna be able to stop her snooping.Don''t get too comfortable with this woman she likes the drama.The minute you ever think it''s comfortable and pipe and slippers time she''ll be bored and off with another bloke.
All the best
HRH

hi carlos
i think it is understandable you both have trust issues, it is hard to trust someone when you have had a broken marriage, perhaps if you sat down and had a heart to heart you could put each others mind at ease if you can,t do it on your own go to relate to talk it through they see unmarried couples too. good luck to both of you

Hi CF

To be frank, from what you say my impression is that this relationship has not got a strong vibe for going the distance happily. It is certainly taking alot of upkeep in the honeymoon period isn''t it. I know that is not what you want to hear at this stage, but in relationships that lack trust in their foundation I don''t think it unusual that these sorts of problems and issues keep occurring. As Haway says, you have both got a bit of ''previous'' haven''t you, and it may take years to develop any trust in the relationship, if you ever succeed in developing any.

I heard a counsellor on the radio the other day who said regarding rebuilding trust in a relationship after infidelity, only by being completely ok with allowing the other to ''check up'' as much as they feel the need to can trust be rebuilt, because the more they check up and the more they find nothing, the more confident they become that there is nothing to find, the more secure they feel and they begin to trust again.

This seems relevant and makes sense to me. The trust is not present in your relationship probably because of what has gone on before, so it seems each of you has to earn it and the price of that is allowing yourself to be checked up on regularly whether in your presence or behind your back, and accepting that with good grace, rather than seeing it as snooping. And you have to answer any questions raised as a result of the ''snooping''. In fact, this counsellor said the snooping, for want of a better word, is to be expected and encouraged as the best, if not the only way, to rebuild trust.

Awful way to live a life in my opinion.

Finally, I wouldn''t be letting your vigilence down if I were you after that online episode.

The gift of trust whether from a spouse, child, animal or other source is such a treasure yet it seems to suffer such abuse and is so violently trashed so often. We hear on Wiki of the most dreadful ''trust trashings'' occurring in so many lives.

Yet, when trust is absent from a relationship the void can not be replaced by any other offering, we hunger for the trust.

Humanity eh.

Nige.