Tell me why?

Why after more than three years can I not even mention my exes name without a vile bitter venomous taste in my mouth?

Why, when I had the affair and ended the marriage, do I feel still feel so angry with him?

Why won''t I allow him one minute extra with the kids?

Why can I not accept even one of his proposals to change current contact?

Why am I spiteful and deliberately stop telephone contact when he rings?

Why do I repeatedly portray him in a negative way to the kids?

Why will I not accept any form communication from him and why do I report him to the police for harassment every time he does contact me?

Why do I make life as difficult as possible?

Tell me why?

Bye

Confuzzled wrote:

Why do I make life as difficult as possible?

Tell me why?

Its down to blame. You blame him for what you did and you have not come to terms with it.

No one forced you to have an affair. You did that yourself. You may think that he drove you to it. He couldn''t have. The blame for this situation sits squarely on your shoulders. And you have to start admitting it to yourself.

But we all make mistakes. And what you did was wrong. But none of us are without some kind of blame. So your not alone.

What I suggest you do is accept what you did. Then work on forgiving yourself. And then forgive your ex. If you can do this then you can start to put this behind you.

Lastly. I was cheated on. My ex turned the kids against me and forced me from my home. But I am thankful now for what she did to me. She unwittingly set me free. So I am the winner. What she has been left with is misery. And hate. And pain. Dont let this be you. Free yourself from what you did and let it go. By admitting and forgiving. I forgave my ex for what she did to me. Took a while. But I did it. Now I am at peace. C.

Fact: He did drive me to it - He did not care for me during our marriage, and I didnt care for him. It was all about him, he met someone two weeks after I left. Two weeks! so much for being broken hearted. Yes the marriage breakdown was his fault.

I took him to court to ensure he got the contact that I wanted him to have (every other weekend for one night) he got way more than that, I wanted sole residence he got shared residence, I wanted sole custody he got shared care, I wanted a PSO I didnt get it.

I wanted 62% of equity in the house (without taking into consideration the 54k loan his parents gave us) I got 52% equity after taking the loan into consideration and he kept the house (courtesy of his parents). He also gets a third of the child benefit (claiming for the eldest child) when that should come to me. He pays the minimum CSA possible and manufactures his accounts so he pays even less even though I earn twice as much as him and my soon to be husband earns over three and a half times what he earn he should pay more. He won''t contribute to extra activities even when I make the kids ask him.

He regularly brings the kids back 5/10 minutes late. Twice in two and a half years he has said that he can''t have the kids and won''t pay for the childcare when I have them in his time. First time he couldn''t have them he did organise childcare but I intervened and took them instead and the second time he didn''t organise childcare and wrecked my plans. Now he says he can''t have them because of the norovirus that he has and I am left to organise childcare or miss work.

Because I won''t communicate with him he sends messages via my work about the kids but I refuse to receive them (I happen to work in the school my kids attend) he won''t send messages with the kids.

Oh yes I have every reason to be angry!!

Hi Confuzz. Lets see if I can tackle one point at a time.


Confuzzled wrote:

Fact: He did drive me to it - He did not care for me during our marriage, and I didnt care for him. It was all about him, he met someone two weeks after I left. Two weeks! so much for being broken hearted. Yes the marriage breakdown was his fault.

No. Wrong. There was no need for you to have an affair. You could have ended it and then struck out on your own. That would be the decent thing todo. Going behind someone''s back and stabbing them in the back is just wrong. You say that he didnt care for you. What care did you show when you had the affair? Two wrongs dont make a right. Sorry. And again. You said that you didnt care for him. So why cheat on him? End it. Let him go. And you are upset that he has moved on so quickly. You dont care but you care that he moved on. Dont sound right to me.

I took him to court to ensure he got the contact that I wanted him to have (every other weekend for one night) he got way more than that, I wanted sole residence he got shared residence, I wanted sole custody he got shared care, I wanted a PSO I didnt get it.

Thats for the good right? Kids get on better when they have equal access to both parents. I would say that this was positive. But you say a lot about "I want" not what "we wanted" Or what "is best for the kids".

I wanted 62% of equity in the house (without taking into consideration the 54k loan his parents gave us) I got 52% equity after taking the loan into consideration and he kept the house (courtesy of his parents). He also gets a third of the child benefit (claiming for the eldest child) when that should come to me. He pays the minimum CSA possible and manufactures his accounts so he pays even less even though I earn twice as much as him and my soon to be husband earns over three and a half times what he earn he should pay more. He won''t contribute to extra activities even when I make the kids ask him.

More of what you wanted. You were not far off what you wanted though. No one gets exactly what they want in life. He pays you though. Many dont get anything at all.

But if you wont speak to him, how can he help with extra activities or help you out more? It doesnt make any sense. Sorry.

He regularly brings the kids back 5/10 minutes late. Twice in two and a half years he has said that he can''t have the kids and won''t pay for the childcare when I have them in his time. First time he couldn''t have them he did organise childcare but I intervened and took them instead and the second time he didn''t organise childcare and wrecked my plans. Now he says he can''t have them because of the norovirus that he has and I am left to organise childcare or miss work.

5/10 minutes in the scheme of things is nothing. He is a parent. Same as you. If you were 5/10 mins late getting back from the shops, would you be expected to fall on your sword? I think you are being unreasonable.

On the paying childcare thing, you are right. He should have paid you. Its tough that he has kids and he should have paid you.

Because I won''t communicate with him he sends messages via my work about the kids but I refuse to receive them (I happen to work in the school my kids attend) he won''t send messages with the kids.

The only comms you should have with him is about the kids. You are a parent like he is and denying him the right to talk to you about the kids is wrong. But deep down you know this. Otherwise you wouldnt have mentioned this.

Oh yes I have every reason to be angry!!

You have no reason to be livid with him. Anger is one thing. This I feel is way above that. But listen to me when I say that this anger that you feel is based around the fact that you blame him for you having the affair. A lot of people have posted on this forum and will tell you the same. Victims get blamed by the perps for them having the affair. This is not true and it will help you if you take the blame for this. Then work towards self forgiveness.

I didn''t mention this before but rubbishing him in front of the kids will harm him in their eyes and you eventually. If you want him as a father to the kids, dont do this. Your anger is making you like this. And your using the kids to get at him. Thats a big no no.

You came on this site asking why you get so angry with him and I have gave you some pointers. What you do with what I have said and perhaps others will say is up to you. I am just trying to help you. Thats all. I could have hit the back button. But I didnt. But hey. If you dont believe me. Thats cool. I also sent you a PM BTW. Again, to be of some assistance. Good luck with the anger. But if you want to stop the anger. Take the blame for what you did. No one deserves to be treated the way he was treated by you. The least you could do is wish him well with his new life. And try and come to terms what you did. C.

The affair is one thing your behaviour after the affair is something else.

When I first read this I didn''t quite get it, I too thought it was a rhetorical/ironic-reversed perspective. When I realised it wasn''t it kind of got to me, here I am fighting for my boy to have more time with his dad and you seem to have a father keen to stay in his childrens lives. You openly admit to having an affair but lay the blame firmly at your exes feet. I agree if all had been well the affair may not have happened but that is beside the point. Your behaviour after the event is worrying it certainly isn''t putting the childrens best interests ahead of your own vendetta against your ex. Are you seriously asking why or are you hoping someone on here will justify your actions? Do you want things to change? Is this just a rant because maybe no one else is listening? What would you like the outcome of this to be?