What to do? divorce or what?

My wife announced she did not want to be with me about a month ago and within 24 hours had arranged to move out. Things in the marriage had not been great for a little time and she had convinced me this was my fault and I needed to change. I offered to go to Relate and had been to the doctor who had diagnosed mild depression and I was trying to do something about this.

Then out of the blue she calls it a day, no discussion she has decided, no willingness to try anything else or even go to Relate to try to save this.

We have been married for 3 and half years and in spite of the age difference, I am 51 she is 33, we have been very happy and totally committed to each other through a number of challenges, redundancy for both of us, family illhealth, me starting a business.

To say I was devastated was an understatement and the week after she announced this can only be described as horrific from a personal point of view. I have kept hoping she will see what we had an come back but she seems emotionally to have made the break and is not prepared to come back or do anything to solve this.

We have not discussed divorce but she has started to mention how I can give her her 50% share of the house. When we married we moved house and I put about £160k from the previous house sale and savings into buying this house for £224k, and have since then paid off a £50k mtge over 2 years. To be fair she did put a little cash in but most spare cash we had went into her sole savings accounts and what I took out of my business went to pay off the mortgage. I almost think she saw me coming but do not want to believe she is that mercenary, although she did suggest that to avoid selling the house I might like to ask my 89 year old father to lend me some money once we sell his house, this money supposed to be used to cover his care home bills.

No way does she want my money she says, but then as she has moved into a flat thinks I should have to as well !!

My solicitor is no help and just says decide what you want to do and then she will act on it.

However today I received a phone call and text from someone whose name I knew but did not know to speak to. She was the wife of my wife''s boss to tell me he had moved out and had been having an affair with my wife for the last month, or longer! She even forwarded me a text he sent her by mistake instead of to my wife wishing her a happy christmas and saying how much he wanted to be with her and could not wait until Thursday when presumably they will see each other again; there was more but the implication was that there was an affair going on and this was just a confirmation.

I had seen the end of a text she had from him about 2 months ago which ended ''I love you'' but she just said at the time it meant nothing and he was being stupid! mow it makes me wonder if the stupid one here was me !

My head is now all over the place and I do not know what to do for the best! whether to confront her with this, force the issue here, tell the solicitor it is over and start divorce proceedings! I do not want to divorce as I still love her but cannot see how I can ignore this and backtrack in light of this.

Do I make her parents aware of this and see if they can talk sense into her? Part of me wants to go to war on this, but part just hopes it is all untrue!

I have no-one else to talk this through with so am just looking for some advice here on what to do? I don''t want to say help but it feels like it !!

Hi,

I am sorry to say that it does sound like your wife has been having an affair and it has reached the critical point where she is contemplating leaving to live with the new guy. At this time she will be trying to justify her actions by seeking to blame you for everything that is wrong - you should not accept the blame. She has chosen to have an affair. As for confronting her, it depends on what you want the outcome to be. It is likely to drive her onto the defensive and possibly push her to make a decision about going faster than you would like but to be honest it sounds like she has gone past that point anyway.

If you want to try to turn her around and can perhaps forgive her it is a different decision about what to than if you believe that her adultery is the final straw. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but it is a very familiar story you are telling.

Welcome to the wiki community but I''m sorry you need to be here. It does seem as though she''s made the decision to leave and the text from the wife of her boss is pretty convincing evidence that there has been a relationship. His wife will be hurting too.

What will be hard to accept is that she will have been planning this move for some time. Dealing with the practicalities is a priority now and just looking after yourself is top of the list.

Find out about the financial situation re the house and savings. Sound knowledge is essential in this situation and will help you make rational decisions.

Dealing with the emotions is harder and we''re here to listen and support where we can.

Best wishes.

Thanks for that. Part of me still cannot accept this is happening, and not wanting it to happen.

Part of me wants it to go back to the way it was but I suppose I am just going to have to come to terms with this as it is and until I really do then I cannot move forwards.

The difficult thing is making this move and then deciding what to do next which is the really scary part! The easy option is to sit on my hands and do nothing and see what happens but I have no idea whether that is the right thing to do or to take action and be damned !

Sad Bear
You do what feels right for you at this moment.
No one can make that decision for you. We can tell you how we see it as outsiders with you at our hearts. But only you know what you will do.
We have all made similar choices which takes us down similar paths and brings out similar emotions.
Do what you feel you need to do and come back and talk over how that''s made you feel.
We are here, we are listening, we can provide support and hopefully some comfort, but the decision is yours to take.
Here when you need us / me.

Hugs tonight

Carly xx

In short your ex is ***** out to extract as much money as she can whilst screwing around with other men, just like my ex- wife.

3.5 years + any time cohabiting before if less than 5 year continuous will be classified as a short marriage and that means all she can have 50% of is the money gained in profit on the property from when you moved in together and 50% of any savings you may have.

That is it, as you have no kids together she has no access to your pension or maintenance.

This will mean you need to get house valuations my ex made ne get 8!

Separate estate agents, arrange as many as you can yourself tell them the truth about the situation and they will give you a lower valuation as [a] they will appreciate that you do not want to sell but are seeking a valuation and are apologising for ''wasting'' their time [2] as the house is in your name? not joint then you will be helping with the viewings [3] if forced to sell by the court they will need your co-operation and the lower it ''sells'' the better for for you - just tell them you would want a quick sale and not hang around for the best price.

Make it clear that you will only sell if forced to in which case you would want to offload the property at fastest speed they will give you a lower valuation without you asking for it - which will count against her.

She is mercenary and does not deserve 50% of anything she should be paying you as the judge said to me as well as 4 lawyers.

google short marriage financial divorce

She also should not GET ANY OF your deposit

so it should be

Current value of house - mortgage debt - deposit = profit split 50% with her

Saving since the marriage date split = whatever you have in your savings account = split 50%

You may have to give her some cash if he income is less than yours and lose the car?

Check all this with a lawyer.

Oh and start working out exercising the admiring looks 1 year later from women will make her realise what an EVIL FOOL she has been.

Take care and the best way to do that is slowly get back in shape.

When I started to read yr story it screamed at me **affair**. These are the classic signs. I am sorry that this happened to you though.

But what to do? This is a shortish marriage. So in theory, you dont have to give her 50% of the house equity. I say in theory. You will have to give her something I suspect. I would go back to the solicitor and tell her that you do not wish to hand over all that money and as its a short marriage that you get back what you put in. Initiate divorce proceedings on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and cite her "inappropriate relationship". Stay away from adultery as a divorce reason. Also. What ever you do, do not leave your home. Let her leave.

She will be desperate for money. They will be wanting to set up home together. So that is good in a way as she is likely to settle for a lot less. So have this in the back of your mind.

I wouldnt say she saw you coming. Most people are not made this way. It could be that she doesnt consider what she is doing. A lot of people take more care over buying a toaster then they do when it comes to choosing prospective partners.

You will get a lot of nonsense from her. This you have to ignore. People in this situation do this. As I said, let it wash over you.

It would be wise to get this done and dusted as quickly as you can. You do not want this turning into a long marriage.

If you can adopt this mission statement, it will help you. ** Get rid of her as quickly as you can with the minimum cost**. Keep that in mind and you wont go far wrong. C.