I want to help, but I know I can''t :(

Hello all !

This no doubt will sound all too familiar, however it seemed the best place to come to for any pointers or experiences.

The relationship:

I myself have been divorced for 6 years. However I have recently started ''seeing'' someone who is part way through divorcing - we have not spoke of long term commitments etc, and we are not cohabiting. I knew it would be tough by the way and far from ideal to be dating someone at such a time, but we did not expect to go from new friends to ''special/close'' friends so quickly, but we both felt better to have each other for support rather than kill this new found and joyful relationship - never knowing if it could be long term or not as we are not entertaining the thoughts at the moment, which is a good thing it seems at this point.

The basic facts:
.. are ( from what I can remember ), grounds are UB, and they have lived apart for 2 years amicably anyway ( though with plenty of rigid game playing, IE " thats my TV just you remember ! " etc ). There are two young children as well and she is the principle carer ( more or less has them 80% of the time ). I am seeing the mother who is the Petitioner, and the respondent is in agreement to the process and it now sits at the dreaded financial stage where the Petitioner has just given in the needed financial paper work ( bank statements etc ) for the last year or two to the solicitor.

The problem ( one of I should say really ):
Right now, its coming on xmas, she is totally bogged down with work, both domestic and secular and its mounting up. To top it, one of the kids is at home really ill and we suspect the other will soon follow. To protect ( as far as possible ) any hicups, upset to the kids or accusations, we agreed I do not meet the kids yet. But here I am seeing how hard it is for her, yet I cannot do anything - for fear of making legal complications and giving her ex a way to fight further on the finances. You may have heard this a thousand times but he is ( evidently to my own eye ) irresponsible and cares greatly more for how he looks to others and his work than his kids and the kids really do not like seeing him ( which is once or twice a week ). I won''t give examples but I see the facts clear as day and its painful, on both the kids and their mother.

But right now, I just wish so much I could be ''all right'' to go over, just during the day for a bit to do some house work, care for the kids even just minimally and support their mother as a good friend if nothing else, but I fear my hands are totally tied. I know shes crying out for help too, but thinks the same - too risky and no convenient loop holes.

Any thoughts or similar experiences ? Is the risk that great as we fear ? Are we wise keeping things as they are, below the radar and non-committal ? Any loop holes we can use in this case at such a time of year under such difficult circumstances ?

My many humble thanks in advance to you all !

Getting involved will have no impact on the finances but only your new gf will know how her ex will react and as it early days is it realy worth the extra stress introducing you to the children might cause.

Be your gfs excape from the daily grind and spoil her when you see her.

But please be careful about making comments about children not wanting to see dad. If you are going to be part of these childrens lives you have to accept their dad has a big role to play and you cant replace him.

How nice that you want to practically help ... As a friend there is much you can do - being a good listening ear, offering to wrap the presents.... store the presents .... collect the presents (!) Organise food shopping / cook some meals for the fridge/freezer so she doesn''t have to - these are all things my friends have done for me in the past and every small bit made life a little better. One lovely friend even stole my ironing and did it for me.

Even dropping and collecting at shops so you don''t have the hassle/time wasted parking is a help.

Big things are lovely but sometimes even the small things help a huge amount.

Good luck.

Thank you for your kind thoughts, I know I am not alone in this sort of situation.

The wish is for some loop hole, however being realistic I have to work with what I can and not worry about what I can''t do.

The kids thing is a worry, I''ve no doubt the dad does love them, its just career and lifestyle has turned him into a part time dad and even that is slipping as he pulls out of spending time with them because he chooses to work rather than have them on the usual days. I foresee that while now the kids are ok with it, that may change as they get older. Its a shame. I would love them as my own, but I know they never would be - my hope would be that I might be like a friend and ( much ) older brother to them, if and when the time comes.

I have been doing some shopping and getting gifts and sending lots of encouragement to my girlfriend, but I have to time the drop off''s and meet ups according to when the kids are not there - very cloak and dagger. And of course when any of the kids are ill, meeting up or dropping anything off is out the question. They are aware of me as regretfully ( in some ways ) my girlfriend told them about me early on so there was no way to be introduced as a friend as they know I''m more than that. And My GF and I both know the kids would love to meet me, but its that big risk if they tell daddy who will no doubt play the victim come time for settlement even though there is no doubt ( but also no proof ) that he is also seeing other women.

It has been a while since I last saw her and its my birthday very soon and my GF booked the day off and planned to do something with me that day, however because the kids are ill and I can''t meet them..... bye bye birthday - and all that effort she put in goes to waste, I feel so bad for her as she is powerless to change it.

It would just be so nice if there was a way to meet the kids ( as we would both like and the kids too ) and spend ''some'' time around them, even if just a walk in the park, but without the ex having anything to fight with that he could actually win if you see my point ? Some legal loop hole that says providing there is no cohabitation or long term plans its ok to a point, or in this circumstance etc. But I am sure that is not the case.

I will continue to try my best though and support my GF as best I can as I am sure she feels it more than anyone right now.

Thank you all for your understanding and patients in reading through all this

Hi ElusiveMan.

Its a very noble thing you do sitting back and letting someone else''s life come before yours. You are an outsider in lots of ways. You cant meet the kids. You cant openly date your partner for fear that this may upset the divorce. All you can do is sit on the periphery and hope that it comes to you one day.

But you have to be prepared that what you want to happen may not happen. I say this as a warning as many a single person has been burned by a married person. So you have to keep that in mind. You could afterall be wasting your investment in time.

But on the plus side, the divorce is in progress and that should be complete in a year or so. So providing that you are happy to sit on the sidelines, you should be fine. But just be wary. Thats all I am saying. Many a slip betwix cup and lip. C.