Am I wrong?

I''m going through a divorce, I know that must be a surprise since I''m posting this on this website! My situation is complicated, well it seems like it is.

So the background........

I''m 42 and I left almost 2 years ago, after a long and generally unhappy marraige. My life was static, sad and lacking any emotional relationship and I just couldn''t see myself living that way for the rest of my life.

I met a new girl who is 37, via a common hobby and we struck up a friendship which developed over the last 1.5 years. We love each other, we have masses in common and the same aspirations from life. Our relationship was natural and we''ve always felt like we''ve known each other forever. All good so far!

Now the complications, she is also getting divorced! Her''s is a year down the line and what was supposed to be an amicable split has turned into her being screwed over by her ex and her solicitor really not doing a great job and making too many mistakes. This has no doubt led to her having a lot of worries about the future etc...

Now my situation, I''ve made mistakes since I left for sure. I didn''t start my divorce until a month ago for a start but I had reasons or so I thought. Initially, well last year I felt guilty about leaving. I have 3 grown kids and I know it affected them. The ex has a low paid job and I tried to make things easy for them by paying the mortgage (which I had to anyway) and covering bills etc... Then earlier this year when I decided I needed to get on with it all I started to wonder how the hell I was going to pay for it all. My finances are terrible at the moment, my job insecure and the chances are the ex will get a lions share of the pot. So I felt panic! Problem is I let that panic take over and delayed and delayed until I finally realised it had to be done and somehow I''d just have to find the money.

Anyway, during this time my new partner and I had many "heated discussions" about my dragging my heals and she became annoyed and frustrated. We both thought our view was right. Then my kids found about her and all hell broke loose, we had a heap of abuse and problems and the ex was a nightmare constantly texting and being abusive. The ex turned my kids against me and the little family I have. So external pressures have been massive, and I''m not even covering them all as I don''t have time!

Anyway, the added complication is that I have a house with the ex that needs selling and I pay the mortgage on that, which is almost half my salary. The ex isn''t working, for no reason except she claims to have severe depression yet goes out most days!

Until that house is sold I can''t afford to move on. I''m bouncing around staying at my partners sometimes and a friends as I can''t cover renting anywhere and me and the new partner can''t start a proper life as she isn''t earning much at the moment either.

So what are the problems?

Well the main issue is that the ex although not defending the divorce, is holding up the house sale by putting up silly barriers. This is includes demanding I get the garage and loft cleared out before I can put it on the market. Now no matter how I''ve tried to explain to her that it shouldn''t stop the house going on sale, she still refuses to agree. It''s her way of getting back at me I guess.

Unfortunately the new partner is struggling to understand why I can''t simply force her to do as I want. She will fly off the handle with her ex and speak her mind the moment he pisses her off usually without thinking about the consequences! She doesn''t understand that the more I try and push the ex, the more resistive she becomes. So I''m now being accused of rolling over because I''m not getting into a shouting match with the ex, which in my opinion may make me feel better but is likely to just throw up more barriers and isn''t going to make her suddenly change her mind and agree.

I''ve also said to the ex about mediation to discuss the finances and she''s of course making excuses why she can''t go for the next week or two. Again the new partner can''t understand why I just don''t book something and make her go or go anyway even if my ex doesn''t turn up. What would the point be in paying for an appointment and wasting my time if she doesn''t agree to turn up!

I''ve told the new partner I understand her frustration and she needs to see I''m just as fed up but we should be supporting each other should we not? Am I wrong to expect her to be a united front with me rather than fighting me over things my ex doing?

she has tried to progress her divorce and I''ve never tried to interfere nor have I chased her to see how things are going. I have listened when she wanted me to, I have read letters and commented on them, I have reassured... but I have never argued with her over her divorce. I have assumed she knows what she''s doing and let her deal with it.

Now I feel like she is more concerned my divorce isn''t moving fast enough and that''s her biggest issue now even though I can''t see how I can make it go any faster! The actual divorce started a month ago, the Petition has returned and application for Decree Nisi sent off without any delays or hoild ups. The ex returned the petition within days. So that''s moving faster than I hoped for sure.

I approached the ex about the house sale with the intention of getting it up asap 3 weeks ago. She messed about for a week before coming up with her silly reason for not putting it up for sale yet and I''m now in the process of trying to sort out all the stuff in the house so as to remove that excuse. It''s a monster job with 23 years of stuff plus I grew up in that house and my stuff from childhood is also in the loft to sort. It''s a nightmare but I''m doing my best, but it seems to the new partner my best isn''t enough.

On top of this we''re dealing with the fact my two eldest kids are parents now, well one is and one will be. Another stress for the new partner that she didn''t expect or want and I didn''t either but again I can''t change that. My new partner has a daughter but would love another and now feels that would be weird as it would be younger than my grandchildren. Sure it might be but it wouldn''t stop me if we both decided to in the future although until we are settled and stable I think that''s going to have to wait.

Lastly I''m trying to deal with my dad''s terminal cancer. He was diagnosed with lung, colon and liver cancer back in April and by some miracle is still with us and fighting but it''s hard for me to think about having lost my mum to lung cancer 3 years ago.

All in all life is stressful and complicated but I can''t see how I can be doing anymore than I am now, all be it a little late. Am I wrong in thinking my partner should be cutting me some slack as they say and being supportive instead of aiming her anger at me all the time?

Appreciate your thoughts.

Thanks

Bye

Hi Carlos,

Wow, you certainly have a lot going on at the moment!

Its always very difficult when going through a divorce, and at the same time having a relationship with someone else, esp if they too are going through their own divorce - things can get very messy.

I''m sorry to hear about your Dad - are you getting support for this from the likes of MacMillan or Marie Curie?

Your partner appears to have a different approach and attitude to dealing with her divorce than you have to dealing with yours. I think this is where the problem lies, that and the fact that your relationship has the clouds of both your on-going divorces hanging over you. When a third party/new partner becomes involved in someone else''s divorce, things can become very difficult and conflicts can arise due to the new partner''s involvement. perhaps it would be better if you and your new partner could agree to not become involved in decisions regarding the other''s divorce, and instead focus on your new relationship with each other, and enjoying time together, and putting the divorces to one side while you are enjoying time with each other.

If you answer the questions Stoke has posted, then people can give you an indication of what you are looking at in terms of dividing the assets; which is a good starting point. You can only offer mediation, you can''t force someone to go.

having skimmed through this my first thoughts are, why are you with your new partner? and yes, she is being unreasonable, and maybe the two of you should have a break so that you can both sort your lives out and then see how you feel about each other.

This is why you shouldnt start a new relationship until the old one is done with.

The main problem is that your still married and financially attached to someone you used to know. If you want to move forwards with your new relationship you have to be free. And right now your not. What may be a good idea is back away from your new partner until matters are settled with your divorce. You have to focus on getting the house sold. Soon as thats done, you can focus on the future.

She will be feeling the pressure same as you. She see''s that you have been dragging yr heals and thinks that your having second thoughts. This will cause all sorts of issues.

Its a common problem. Tied to the old, trying to start a new and you and your partner are stuck in the middle fighting each other in the pressure cooker that is divorce. Not good. So my advice is tell your partner that you need to focus on the divorce and get that house sold. Once you are both free, you can start again without all the pressure of something that is perhaps the hardest thing you will ever do.

Hope this helps and I am sorry this sounds tough. But its what you must do. C

Tread cautiously with the new partner. One and a half year relationship is still a young one. She seems to want into another serious relationship very quickly and wants another child. Draw breath woman ! At her age the biological clock is ticking and putting the pressure on her so she is putting the pressure on you. And the cheek of your children to present you with (surely the wonderful gift of) grandchildren before she has had the chance to have another child herself. What a self centred madam!

Note the way she flys off the handle at her ex partner without thinking of the consequences - that could be you on the receiving end once the honeymoon period wears off. In fact it sounds to me that you are already on the receiving end of some by the way she is handling herself over your difficulties.

This may be further complicated if you add a young child into the mix before the relationship has had the time to fully develop. Do you really want that all over again ? And is it fair to bring a young child into it.

Long and the short of my advice is - take your time. Slow it all down. Tell her firmly you are handling it and that''s the way it''s gonna be, if you dare because it seems to me she wants it all her way and you have to tow the line. Of course she should be cutting you some slack, what''s the rush that she has to push you so?

If she wants to be with you she will wait until you get it sorted. In the midst of all this, try to make sure you look after your own health and wellbeing.

ps why can''t you move in with your partner for the time being if it is what you both want? Then you can get on having a life together and the divorces/house sale can tick along in the background. I am not clear on that.

Very best wishes, Nige.

Thanks everyone for the comments, lots of valid and interesting points!