our living arrangement

so my divorce is on the process. stbx has already filed for the petition. it's only been 15 days since he told me frankly that he is divorcing me and we are still both living in our rental apartment. i know one of us has to move out and that would be me coz i dont think i can afford to keep this place up for myself. too big and too expensive.

my stbx knows how hard it is to find a place and told me that i can take my time. he has not thrown me out of our apartment or pressured me to leave. this whole process of our relationship coming to an end has been fairly peaceful. there was no violence, no screaming, no cursing, no threatning, no physical abuse. but of course theres been alot of hurt, sadness and tears.

i have kept distance from him and make as little interaction as possible but it is so hard to live with someone knowing that our once beautiful relationship has already ended. everyday has been a total opposite of how we used to be and it really hurts me. how can he deal with this? i feel like this is so easy for him while i already feel crying when he comes within 5 feet near me. there were so many times when i just want to hug him. i miss him so much.

even though he broked my heart he's still kind to me, he still tells me where he's going and when he's coming back. he still tells me whats been going on like running into one of his long lost (male)friend who happens to live in the neighborhood and that he is selling his mac laptop. he still says the food taste delicious and says goodnight when he comes to bed. yes we still sleep in the same bed, but it feels like sleeping next to a stranger. my logic tells me that he's trying to have a normal interaction with me (minus the affection)out of respect and the fact that our relationship has been good even up to the point when he told me he wants a divorce. and i know for his part being nice to me somehow lessens the guilt.

yesterday when he handed me the papers that i need to sign i got angry. even though i already know that we are divorcing, seeing the papers felt like i got stabbed on the chest. i thought is this it? thids is how easy it takes to end everything? then i realized i have not really accepted the end of our relationship. needless to say i cried a river.

because of anger i told him from now on he sleeps in his work room or in the couch. this morning when i woke up i saw him sleeping in the couch and my heart really ached. there he was, didnt even changed his clothes. i still love him so much and i care about his comfort that i am actually planning on telling him that he can come sleep in the bedroom again if he wants. i know i have to start detaching myself from him and i need to be firm and strong and not let my heart rule over my mind. but how can i stop caring? i know i have to move out of our apartment as fast as soon as possible coz its only then that i can really start moving on. right now im stuck in a limbo full of uncertainties.

-Cheryl

hi cheryl,

its not easy is it. There are alot of people on this site in your situation, and im one of them. to find out that your relationship is heading for the rocks is hard and its something that takes time to come to terms with. I have been in this situation for 4 months, and i am now begining to come to terms with it. But leaving the marital home wont be easy.

Take the time you need, your in an emotional whirlind at the moment, there will be good days and bad days. Listen to yourself with respect to your partner and put yourself first, think hard bout it befor you invite him back ino to you bed.

Wiki is great - realy helped me. Make use of the forums and Id encourage you to visit the chat room if you havent already there are a great bunch of peeps who are happy to to talk seriuosly if you should require, or innane chatter to lighten your mood, the latter is my strong point

take care

shell x

Hi Cheryl

This all sounds to be happening very fast for you and its not giving you any time to get used to the idea or to make any decisions about how and where you move on. Don’t do anything until YOU are ready and get some advice from a solicitor.

The still loving him thing I can relate too even now my x2b has moved out, I can’t just turn off the tap and I do still miss him and love him. I do know now that I wouldn’t have him back but that doesn’t change how I feel about him.

You x2b will be hurting too even if he isn’t showing it, no one can go through this and not feel the upset, he’s just doing a better job of hiding it from you and maybe even from himself.


Stay strong and look after yourself

Jude x

well at least i got some good news. today i got an apartment where i can finally move. actually i got 2 offers but of course i can only take one. it was a mixed emotion, bittersweet. a part of me is happy that now i can finally take a huge step in putting my life back together and start living on my own. the other part was just full of sadness. leaving the man i have spent so much time with, leaving the life we had together, leaving our lovely home, leaving the life that i have gotten used to. it's really hearth breaking. but then this is the choice he had made for me and all i can really do is to take it.

i will be moving end of the month and honestly i don't even know how i'm going to the deal with the loneliness. i know i will miss him terribly. i will probably just curl in my bed and drown in my tears.

oh sweetheart, don't cry - listen to what everyone says on wiki, things will get better in time,but we have no control over how quickly or slowly it passes. i am 6 weeks from discovering husbands affair, and he won't move out of the house until he retires in october. I think his plan was that he'd get away with affair til then, then disappear. it's torture living in the same house, he comes and goes as he pleases without telling me what he's doing, and has stopped doing anything around the house or garden or looking after our two big dogs, and they take some looking after - it's all left to me. I hurt so much, but am worried when the anger comes how I will react. want to keep dignified throughout, if that is humanly possible.
Yesterday was the first day I could speak about this without crying, but today, I cried again talking about it, so it's all still very raw and painful. My beautiful daughter is 21 today, feels no more like celebrating than fly in the air, and does not want to see her father. it's so sad.
all I can say is look after yourself, and talk talk talk to anyone who will listen. don't blame yourself, and just remember that you will get through this. take care Hxx