Why do I feel like I'm being blamed?

Right .... new question!

Talking things through with a friend today, it suddenly occurred to me that since he's left .... his decision because he doesn't love me apparently, no, swears no-one else involved and no,assures me I've done nothing wrong .... why do I feel like he's blaming me!!

Not once has he apologised for what he has done or how he feels.

When he wrote the list of things he was prepared to pay for, it was boys food, boys clothes, boys spending money, boys..... blah blah blah.

He says he knows he has a responsibility to house .... the boys.

He will be there for the boys .....

Hw will contact the boys .... but not me.

He will only discuss the boys .... not us

He comes and picks up the boys and leaves me behind on my own (obviously!)

All of this is the behaviour of someone who does blame you for something surely ..... or do you reckon it's more than that.... guilt perhaps?

hi j,
maybe both, does not appear to be able to communicate with you about your relationship for some reason who knows. ? an emotional cripple ? does not know how to . Very cruel to freeze you out of the equation all together and does not give you much to go on as you can only guess what it is that has forced him to take this sort of action. I presume you have tried discussing stuff to no avail? Will there be a time in the future when you will be able to talk like normal adults? I hope so because this is an unfair situation where control remains with him and you are left in the dark.

I hope you get some answers soon.
x
m

Not sure that he is blaming you, but he is cutting you off, I think the two are different.

When I left my ex, after years of a really hard relationship I didnt want to talk to my ex about how she was feeling, we just agreed that we shouldnt be together?

In making it clear that he wants to pay for the boys, be there for them etc, may well be to make it clear that you are no longer somebody he will care a protect.

This concept is a hard one, I find it difficult to work out where the line is now we are seperated, there is no way that I can totally ignore my ex, as she is still our childrens mother and if I care about them and thier welfare I have to see her right?

The way we have left is that I will always be there for her if she needs me to be.

Good luck

GM

Thanks for your perspective Goodman.

The difference may be that you say you agreed ... we didn't I was presented with a fait accomplis with no warning. The day before he left, I was still being assured that he loved me and nothing was wrong!!!

I know that I am being cut off .... but do you know what ... he cant just do that .... He has to accept that I am the mother of his children and will be in his life whatever! If only life was that simple.

To be assured that he would be there in a crisis would be great ...... but he cant promise me that. All I get told is .. Youll be ok, other people manage!!!

Remind me again. .... why am I sad about the end of our 22 year relationship???

22 years is a long time and the contrast between past happinesses and now is no doubt stark and upsetting.
the common themes of the forum to reflect that separation causes huge amounts of stress/loss/sadness/anger/anxiety/physical mainfistations of anxiety and loads more.
being cut off stops you getting on with things though which makes all of the above emotions remain longer/harder than if he communicated well.
on a personal note my 20 year marriage ended 7 months ago, my ex already has a replacement and i do not recognise him. it's a complete contrast to his old self, again this makes things harder to adjust to.
you lose your once, best friend and all that goes with it, there are so many losses. no wonder we'll all take a year or 2 to adjust
i'm really sorry for your pain right now wish i could majic it away, but it's impossible.
relate have a good website with hints and tips etc and there are various self help books which may also help. anything at all is worth trying just to minimise the worst of the feelings. this site is great for making us all aware we're not going mad etc but all our similar feelings are unfortunately normal given the bereavement experience we're having
please take care, night fiona

OMG!

JessieJ - your situ sounds so similar to mine! I'm off to bed now but send me a p.m. as I think it will help us both!

Elizabeth.

Goodnight all x

I've been reading an excellent book by Relate called MOVING On."breaking up without breaking down".it has helped me through the past year.ISBN0-09-185625-6 AT £9.99 it has helped me to understand a lot of the behaviour etc that was going on in my past marriage and by reading it I could actually see why my marriage ended where it did and why.
it also allowed me to drop the guilt that the breakup was my fault.it has been my silent companion.