Should I Try Again Or Walk Away

Hi,

Im hoping that all you lovely people will be able to help me. I am so confused as to what to do for the best. Basically I have been married for 16 years, I have two children aged 11 and 15. I found out that my husband was having an affair with a much younger woman (girl) just before xmas. I took him back he was soooooo very very sorry and we all went away and had a lovely time in cornwall over xmas. I think I handled it quite well, I was very hurt but determined not to throw away 16 years of marriage on what I thought was a fling. This is my second marriage my first husband died I had been with him since I was 17 years old, we had no children, he was an alcoholic and the relationship was volatile (to say the least) I was married to him for 9 years he fell down a flight of stairs drunk and ended up on a life support machine (on xmas eve) but had severe brain damage and I made the decision for the machine to be switched off on boxing day. This experience left me with a lot of emotional scars to say the least and when he died I was 29 years old and vowed never to marry again. However, I married again and had 2 lovely children hence my problem now, I caught my husband out again in January with the same girl he said he had to go and meet her because she was claiming to be pregnant (she claims she miscarried) I threw him out again and then in February I took him back again. Then in March (on mother's day) the girl text me saying that my husband was back in touch with her that he wanted to leave me but could not tell me. She seemed to know so much about our lives and things that had happened during that week that she would not have known unless it were true and he was in contact with her. She claimed he had another mobile phone which he used just for her (i searched his van but never found anything) but she even told me that I had searched his van and found nothing. She also told me via text that my daughter had gone to the pictures with a bf and what time she had come home (loads of stuff like that all week) She would not have known these things if he was not in contact with her. I threw him out again. I have driven past her flat on occassions since and his van or car have been parked outside or round the corner or in the vicinity of her flat. He says he is living at his mums and that she is just a friend now and he is not sleeping with her.

In the last month or so he has been at his mums and it would appear that he is telling the truth when he says that they have split up.

Throughout all the above he swears he loves me and that he is sorry and that he has seriously f.........ed up, however he signed my divorce petition on the grounds of adultery and i am in the process of divorcing.

My problem is im not sure if I should give him another chance. I am living on benefits, which I have never had to do before, my children are going without which they would not be doing if he were still here and even though I could get a job I would have to travel into London to earn any real money (if I can get one having not worked properly for at least 10 years just helping at school etc to fit in round kids) I would probably not be able to afford to keep the three of us so in a sense will be in a situation whereby I have to live on benefits just to survive.

Im half minded to take him back again, he appears to be really sorry and swears he still loves me (is that possible after sleeping with someone else) but I just dont know what to do. Im so depressed and confused, angry, bitter, jealous (she is 22 and i am 49), Lonely, tired, and just plain miserable all the time, i have actually contemplated suicide just to escape my miserable existence (although im ashamed to admit it) I am under the doctor taking antidepressants that dont work and tamazapan for sleep.

What do I do folks? Please help me, Im just so confused Im scared of making any more big mistakes. If I dont have him back the kids an I will be going without whilst I know from my sister's divorce he will be having holidays, new cars, great nights out etc............. Is it fair to deprive my children of their dad and life without financial problems ???????

Any help, advice, would be greatly appreciated.

JJ your situation is so similar to mine, my ex had affair with 23 year old, he was 50 at the time. This is my second marriage and we have a son 13 years old. For me the decision was to let him go because the pain he caused whilst having the affair almost destroyed me. It was the deceit and betrayal that I could not forgive. The day he admitted the affair I asked him to leave and I think for me that was the right decision, however for my son it was very upsetting and that is what hurt me most. Ex now lives with the girl and they plan to marry and have baby.

JJ you have to decide whether or not you take him back, will you be able to live with him knowing what he has done and will you ever trust him again. Also make sure you make the right decision for the children. My son was old enought to understand what his dad had done and he thinks I did the right thing. You will know yourself what you have to do. Good luck, Poppie

JJ

You have done the hard part, started the divorce proceedings.

Think very hard of why you might just take him back. I know how scary it must be for you and difficult but think of yourself (not even your children because they will cope), do you really want this person that has hurt you so much and that you will probably never ever be able to trust again? Don't think because you are 49 life is over for you. I am 49 with just my youngest at home (but he has his own life) and have now met such a wonderful person and I can honestly say I'm so happy. I feel the most relaxed I've ever been even though my ex owes me an awfully large amount of money.

I do now have a new life and wouldn't turn the clock back for one moment.

So please please think about you.

Take care
x

Hi JJ

Your situation is very similar to mine too! My husband is working in China - has been since January - found out he's been having affair with 28 year old Chinese girl - he's 46. He swears it is finished now but feels so guilty wants to end his own life and says he is depressed, drinking etc. I feel the same as you, I have two boys aged 16 and 11 and don't want them to suffer financially because their Dad has been a complete arse! I also initially felt I couldn't take him back - I too am on anti-depressants although mine have definitely helped so it might be worth getting your doctor to change your prescription. I feel more together and not so panic stricken as I did at the beginning. Is your husband planning to pay maintenance etc? When I sought advice from a solicitor I was advised my husband would have to continue paying the mortgage until my youngest son finishes full time education and would have to pay me child support and spousal maintenance as I also have been married 16 years which is considered a 'long' marriage in the eyes of the law. Have you sought any advice? I work part-time locally and am also pondering the dilema of the only way I could perhaps support us properly is to return to London to work but with my youngest only being 11 it is not really a practical solution.

I feel for you - it sucks - our children shouldn't have to suffer because our husbands have been such selfish ******!

Hugs


Linda

XX

Umm yes I know its hard for you. Double hard becuase you lost yr 1st husband in such tragic circumstances. And I know you feel lost. I know this feeling becuase my ex wife also cheated on me and I know the feeling of utter betrayal. May I start by saying that the kids wont lose there dad unless they or either of you decide. So if know one does anything in that area he will still be dad to them.

Right. Let me try and explain what I did when I was faced with the same choice as you. I had my chance june 2006 and see if it applies to you. I applied certain tests to see if they passed or failed. I didnt look at it like this at the time and I didnt know what I was doing.

This is what I asked myself:

1) Will she ever go back to him? Answer yes maybe
2) What will taking her back do to my self asteam? Answer destroy it.
3) Could I learn to trust her? Answer No
4) If I took her back would she do it again? Answer yes I think so.

So on these 4 points I couldnt take my ex back. In yr case what would taking him back do to you? He would do it again. And what would this do to you? Could you trust him again? These are questions you should ask yrself. Good relationships are built on a bedrock of trust. Without good foundations a building will colapse. This is what will happen if you take him back.

Are you worth something? If you are then you are worth more than this. You deserve to be treated properly and not cheated on. Good decent blokes wont do this to you and treat marraige as sacred spurning all others. I know this becuase I was a good husband to my ex and I worshiped her. She just used me.

Do the right thing hun. F.

I tried again and stbx did not cease contact with his ow. He lied twice more about contact and I could not live with the constant worry, wonder and mistrust. It was emotionally and physically draining and I truly feel for you.

We did do relate - we did talk and talk but something in me could not believe him and I would not take the blame for his affair.

I believe that some people can repair a marriage after an affair, but it takes a long time and lots of soul searching from both of you. It is possible and it is attainable for some couples.

I just came to a point where the dying feeling I had inside outweighed what I 'thought' I 'should' do and the sadness of losing all our years together and fear of going it alone. None of these reasons are enough to save a marriage or what I wanted.

As most other people say, only YOU can make that decision. I truly believe that at somepoint you will just KNOW what you have to do to make you happy.

Take care.

Ah Falk are you taken?

JJ, Falk is spot on, you are worth sooooo much more, My OH was the same as yours, his tramp told me all about it, and i said if you want him have him, he had cheated on several other occassions, same old patter, didnt mean anything, still love you, etc. But i think i could have fallen for his lies if she hadnt confirmed it, and he would have still been with me now. As time has gone on, i really mean it when i say, she did me a favour. JJ, somewhere on this forum is a list of the various stages we all go through (if someone can remember them, please) and you will go through them, and get to the final stage. I was absolutely devastated, live alone and suicidal even, lost 3 stone. and thought my life was over.

Now at over 50, got a better body than his younger model, felt better than i have ever felt, because he always made me feel worthless, and quite frankly if i ever saw the sad old sod again I would say..Kiss my Ar*e!

He wont change JJ they never do, but you can. Be strong.

Joy x