Is he manipulating me?

I think I probably know the answer to this question but state of mind at the moment is such that I feel so confused that clarity of mind is not coming easy to me!

I have told my story of husband working away in China and having an affair - he has now told me over the phone that he has not slept with her because he was unable to 'perform' but they have been intimate and that he is now 'trying' not to see her! He claims he is having a breakdown, drinking excessively etc. etc all stemming from the death of his mother and job loss a couple of years ago. I tried to contact him this week about a serious issue with one of our children and could not get a reply from his mobile for hours (evening time in China. When he rang me back he said that he had been taken to hospital to have his stomach pumped due to too much alcohol. I know I sound naive in the extreme but would they have let him home the same evening?! He also says that he thinks he will be dead in a couple of months because he hates himself so much and cannot live with the guilt of what he has done.

I think it's time for no contact.

I am so sorry for your situation. It doesn't matter if he is in china or up the road, it sounds as he is not there for you. Does he want to stay married? Can he not come back?

In a similar situation myself although he is not in china!

Thinking of you
(((hug)))

Carrie

Thank you. No he readily admits he is not there for either me or my children at the moment. He doesn't feel able to come back until he gets himself sorted and his contract finishes in December. I told him I had been to a solicitor and was considering my options but he wants me to wait until the end of the year. In the meantime I know he is still in contact with this woman - he claims it is going nowhere and he got lonely and wanted the company but I do know that he is having his cake and eat it at the moment - whether he is consciously doing this or I am just allowing it - not sure.

Where is your husband?

Hugs back


Linda

X

Hi

Sorry girls but my Ex said the same to me, after numerous affairs, and him saying each time, well nothing happened, couldnt perform Etc.. He even told both my girls, he would go to the Drs. to make sure he hadnt CAUGHT anything!!! why if nothing happened!!! Why keep bloody trying then. To say sorry, you know its you i want because it doesnt works on anyone else..AAAArg. Its all in their heads i think, they think we are stupid. once you are over the initial shock, (and it is) that you can no longer do this, and boot him out, you will start to get better.

Tell yoursef. What man that had any respect for me would do this to me.
I am worth more than this. And I will get over this. I promise you will look back and see what a pathetic person they really are. I actually feel sorry for mine on the odd occasion, and bloody well hate myself for it.

Even after he finished his affairs, I found myself thinking, Ah, he does love me. What a twot i was!

Best of luck, it is a very very hard thing to go through when all you want is a bit of love. Looking back, I wouldnt touch him for all the tea in China.

Joy

Hiya hun.

Now you probably dont wanna hear wot im about to say, but in my opinion, your being lied to.
My wife put up with my behaviour for years, the drinking, my one affair, the controlling etc, and now shes let me go.

I did all that for real, the excess alcohol, stomach pumps etc............ In fact i remember a time when i went to hospital due to excess booze, and my wife went wiv me...........

I never really thought about it till today, but i manipulated her then, i went for drama.......wound up her, my mother and the nursing staff. Made a big drama, walked a mile and a half home in my bare feet, with her and my mum slowly following in a taxi behind at walking pace just to prove a point and be dramatic as possible.

Truth is, theres nuffin really wrong with me but alcoholism..........{which now seems to be under control} and a then need to see what she'd do to prove her love to me.

Belive me, she tried, tried and tried again till i used her all up...........

Im now a homeless man and a weekend dad........... Shes slowly rebuilding her life and making a sucsess of it, and i'd like to add she makes me proud every day.

But, back to you............. I think he's trying to make you feel guilty, just as i did with my wife. Hes trying to make you kow-tow to his whims and preferences. He wants you there, waiting for him, but at the same time, he also wants to give the imperession he dont care.......so you'll try to tighten his grip. Babe, theres nuffin bigger than the male ego and dont you forget it. He's wanting you to feel bad for him, trying to make it your fault, and hes keeping you hanging to keep options open.

Good luck..
Matt x

Matt,

Your honesty is impressive. I wish my stbx could see his alcohol fuelled behaviour in the same way.

Please stay sober, hang on in there. You will be a valuable asset on this site - and in return hopefully we can help you to keep going and rebuild your life.

very best wishes

Hadenoughnow

Linda

From what i have been hearing - its seems that alot of stbx like playing with our emotions. Maybe it is their sense of guilt - but that seems hard to accept after all the hurt they cause us.

It must be very hard for you but maybe no contact is better

Take Care
Claudette