To divorce or not to divorce

Hi

Just after some advice/opinions as to where to next for me. Some of u may know that I have been separated from my x for about 2 years and whilst we hated each other when we separated we are now quite good friends. Further, when we separated we managed to come to agreements on custody, finances etc without involving the lawyers or the courts, and nothing has ever been written down or formalised.

Anyway, up until recently, I had been quite happy going along this way but it was suggested to me that I might be holding myself back by not truly moving on, and that I might be quite vulnerable if the X suddenly decided that he didn't like our arrangements any more. So now I am wondering whether we should make it 'legal' (I used to congratulate myself that I hadn't had to pay all those legal fees but now I'm not so sure I'm that smart!). What do people think?

Oh, and one more thing, we have an agreement that we will divorce if either party wants to remarry (whilst we've both had relationships since our split there's been nothing serious so the question has never been put to the test).

Thanks in advance
Curious Miss

I personally think it would be better to cement it all legally now whilst you are amicable and in agreement over everything.

Things can change emotionally and financially only too quick.

If all things are agreed would just be a paper chasing exercise but an important one to safeguard both of you in the future.

Mike

(100th post - drinks are on me !!!!)

Hi Curiousmiss,

I think it is very commendable of both you that you were able to be amicable and reasonable with each other, especially as you state that you hated each other when you separated. The fact that you managed to reach an agreement that was mutually acceptable to both of you without involving the legal system and all its costs warrants high praise, made even more difficult when children are involved.

You have obviously moved on, as you are now friends with your ex and you have had other relationships, although nothing serious as yet.

You and your ex should be congratulated; it’s very sensible and rational not to want to incur additional financial and emotional hardship as the result of a separation.

I personally think you both have acted admirable to get to this position. However, the question is whether your informal arrangements are unreasonable in the eyes of the courts?

If your Ex for some reason (people can change their mind and position)decides that he is no longer in agreement with the informal arrangements, and a Family law Solicitor agrees that in the eyes of the law he has a strong case. You’d have to seek legal advice and depending on what advice you received would dictate what action you would pursue. Equally, the arrangements as they stand maybe more favourable towards your Ex in the eyes of the legal system and you stand to gain should you challenge the arrangements. A 30 minute free consultation should provide you with necessary information.

A formal arrangement in your circumstances seems appropriate and would protect the agreement that you both seem happy with. However, this decision ultimately rests with you.

Newton

It is considered advisable, when spouses have reached an amicable agreement as to how to split up their finances,
to ask for an order from the Court which gives effect to the terms of the agreement.

This does not usually involve going to Court ; in most cases it is done by correspondence.

What happens is that one of you drafts the order that (s)he would like the Court to make, and sends it to the other side for approval. Both parties have to submit a simplified summary of their finances to enable the judge to assess the fairness of the agreement.

If satisfied the Judge will sign it off and you are home and dry.

I personally would recommend that the draft order be done by a solicitor as there are traps lurking for the unwary.
It should be neither complicated or expensive.

Mike 100468

I think the way you and your x have handled yourselves is truly remarkable. Well done. If you truly have both moved on and are in agreement on things I would certainly agree with Mike and get it legally sorted whilst you are in agreement
things can change so quickly and after coming this far you wouldn't want to now get into a painful nasty situation.

Goodluck
Carrie

Thanks to u all for your comments. Certainly some food for thought in your words - might talk to the x about it and relay your comments, see what he thinks (this might test just how just friendly we actually are:) )

hi curious

wow, friends, thats great !! you say you hated him for 2 years....would be curious (sorry) to know what happened with you..how did you get to this stage ?

my situ has only been happening for 4 mths, mid feb, he moved out 6th april..

he wants us to be friends, (ive said this before) he wants and needs me in his life, he loves me etc etc....but he's had the affair...i didnt want any of this.

i want to phone him as a friend, need a cuddle from him, but simply cant do it and wont do it..

a few people personal friends have said i should file for divorce....i think its too early....i cant think about it yet...i need to get my head round all of this....but i just wonder how you became friends again.....ive not read anywhere here that people are now friends and your post surprised me....

Daisy
xx