Separation advice

I have decided I can no longer put up with my H's behaviour. I have been sucked into the cycle of abuse and he continues to act in a controlling, bullying, critical, hurtful, blaming manner just too often. I have been thinking over our marriage problems recently. I learned how this is not about communication difficulties so much as his desire to control, and I can see how almost all the many problems we have had and the times I have been cut to the soul by his harsh words are typical of his way of acting and unlikely to change.

Last night he went off on one again because I was "too cold to him." I was perfectly nice and pleasant but yes, not as loving as normal. I can't fake what I don't feel. He did all the usual hurtful things, shouting, complaining, raging, threatening to destroy me and take the children from me. He said all this in front of our 2 youngest daughters. They were in tears.

Later he apologised again. He said the things I've talked about are all new to him and I have to give him a chance to learn about it too. He's gone out now leaving his laptop on. I looked to see if he's done any of the reading he said he would last night, but the history just shows loads of porn sites.

I want to separate from him. If he wants to try to work on mending his ways that is fine, but he's responsible for himself now. He thinks we should stay together for the kids but i don't want to be near him. I don't want to divorce yet if he can show me he is trying to make the changes I need to see before I can trust him again.

What are my rights? I slept on the cramped camp bed last night while he stayed in our bed. I either want him out or I want him to pay for me to live somewhere else with the children. I will have to have them since he has always worked incredibly long hours and travels abroad a few times a month.

I'd appreciate any practical help anyone can offer.

Brigid,
I am sorry to hear that things are not good. It is sometimes impossible to communicate effectively in these circumstances, and often misunderstandings and over-reaction come from not clearly hearing what our partner is telling us.

Clearly he needs to understand where you are and what your feelings are about where you are in your marriage.

I would suggest that you try to get him to Relate for a couple of sessions, so that you can both outline where you believe you are at the moment, in a non-judgemental or non-confrontational environment.

Perhaps he has it in him to change, and be the person you thought you married. Believe me, a happy reconciliation is infinitely preferable to divorce.

However, that may not be the case. But it is certainly worth fighting for.

As to having a physical separation, how does the family budget stack up? Is there enough in the pot to run two homes? Wikivorce has many separated members who simply cannot afford to move out of the family home and run 2 separate ones. It is a very painful and difficult lifestyle.

But it sounds like you are very near the end of your tether. Everyone deserves some happiness in life.

You may find this posting useful in the practical aspects of separation:

Hope it helps,

Mike

www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Forum/...-the-key-issues.html