Why cant he decide?

Hi Again All

I really dont know what to think at the moment. Stbx started coming round a lot recently, saying he misses me, loves me etc etc. Ended up staying here 3 nights in a row (yes in marital bed), have been getting on a lot better so i tried to speak to him about the divorce, ie should we wait and maybe try and work things out? He says he doesnt know? He doesnt think stopping the divorce is a good idea because he still doesnt know what he wants and doesnt want to be responsible for causing any delays regarding me and the kids moving on?
He knows i am willing to try and work things out, but a part of me cant help feeling he is taking advantage of how vulnerable i am at the moment.
Not sure what is going on in his head and everytime i ask he says he doesnt know!
I feel like he is using me and keeping me dangling in case his "new life" doesnt work out. I guess i am his security blanket! Whenever i ask him if he wants to try and work things out he accuses me of pressuring and says he cant make a decision that quick (he has been gone 7 months)?? What is he trying to do to me? I dont understand any of it?!

Sounds like he is havin his cake and eating it. What do you want. What boundaries can doyou want to set. What about you?

Hi

I know just how you feel. My x2b didn't know what he wanted, said he just needed to have some time to get his head round it! Nearly three months later I told him he had to make a decision. It took him an hour of saying "I don't know what I want" before he decided he wanted a divorce. From then on he turned into a completely different person to the one I thought I knew.

He has taken two years to send a petition on grounds of my unreasonable behaviour! I think he is having a midlife crisis but there is nothing I can do about that.

I now wish I had been strong enough to tell him to just go, but I spent months pleading with him to stay. I don't think I will ever understand the reasons he gave for leaving.

As Elle said what about you? It is hard, but try to put yourself and the kids first. Make a new life for yourself and don't worry about him. Remember he is just being selfish otherwise he wouldn't be stringing you along like this.

Take care of yourself.

Lost

Hi
In your post you ask the qustions but you also answer them. I think deep down you know why he's doing it.
elle is right this should not be about him it's about you. You can't make him change the way he behaves but you can change you.
It's going to be hard but think whats right for you and the kids and go for it.
Good luck and look after YOU

Hi - all these posts have very wise words in them.
Megan is so right, you cannot change him but you can change you and you will be surprised, if you change then those around you will automatically change towards you.
I truly believed that after my X2Bs adultery I could trust him again and thought that he was my one and only soul mate. Luckily via fantastic counselling sessions, arranged by my GP, I found myself again and its absolutely wonderful being me again. Even my friends/family and work colleagues have noticed that I am "glowing" and X2B, well he has lost so much by generally trying to "use" me and bully me into what he wanted me to be. I know that I will go on from strength to strength but X2B because of his arrogant attitude will lose out in the long run. I knew deep down that if we had made a go of it other women would always be lurking in the background and this would be his threat, ie if you dont do as I say, I'll go out with "whoever".
YOU are the most important person now to be considered together with your children. Do what YOU want.
Take care. GKx

I think 7 months is long enough for someone to make a decision (he is being really selfish). He needs to understand that you have a life to - otherwise how can you move on - how long do you have to wait?

Good luck and stay strong.
Rainyx

Hi

How this gets resolved is down to you not him, he is not the one calling all the shots.

If you were to give things another go you certainly shouldn't jump into bed with him you would have to take things slowly. You do sound very vulnerable and i have to admit being angry at this man.

I think you should have what i call 'radio silence' for a bit don't speak to him or contact him at all for a period of time say 2 weeks tell him you want some space if you have to.

You need time out of the middle of this situation to think straight and to let him miss you.

Try it, it can't do any harm. You have to think more about why you split up in the first place and ask is the original reason resolved or will it rear its head if you were to try again.

Best of luck

DAD