How do I ask if he has had an affair?

I've been in a bit of a turmoil (to put it mildly) for about two months now...

I was channel hopping late night telly one night & happened to catch a thing describing the symptoms of STIs - the symptoms described for syphilis matched sysmptoms that my husband had over the previous few months.

Its a bit of an understatement to say I was stunned by the possibility that a) he may have had (still be having?) an affair; b) hes contracted syphilis; c) he may have passed it on to me.

It is probably a case of a little knowledge being an danerous thing, me adding 2 and 2 and getting 5, etc. etc. (add your own cliche) but I am now going out of my mind.

I have been to get checked myself and the test has come out negative - great, however, there is a 3-month window where you can be infected before it shows in a blood test so I need to be re-tested after 3 months. Based on my description of symptoms, the health advisor has strongly advised me to discuss this with my husband and for him also to get tested.

How on earth do I start this conversation! I know I need to but it is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.

We have not been in a good place marriage-wise for at least a year now so on one hand it shoild not be surprising, however an accusation of affair could trigger the end of the relationship - how could we possibly recover from this??

Can anyone offer any words of advice?

Thanks

This is a difficult one. I think like with anything you need hard information before jumping to conclusions.

Has he been to see a doctor? Could you persuade him to do that if he is still having symptoms? You could say you have been worried about symptoms you have had - not mentioning syphilis - or making accusations - but maybe even suggest it could be thrush or something which you can pass on and which certainly does not mean you have been sleeping around!

Then depending on the outcome of that, you could tackle him.

It does sound though that this is possibly a case of looking for a reason to jump - although I am not saying you are necessarily wrong about an affair or about the possibility of an STI, you just don't have firm evidence at the moment. It does sound like there is a big lack of trust for whatever reason.

If you feel the marriage is salvageable, then perhaps you could suggest counselling? If he wants it to continue, and wants things to change, then surely he would agree. If he doesn't, that could be a way of getting into a sensible debate about your future without having to explore what he may have been up to. You can get a divorce on he grounds of unreasonable behaviour - and it doesn't have to be anything very bad, just bad enough IYSWIM. Others on here can advise you if that is the route you decide you want to take.

The tests you have had will be on your medical records should you ever need to refer to them. Obviously you need to make sure you are protected from here on in ... and that may raise some questions between you.

Good Luck.

Hadenoughnow

Justwantout,

A word of caution. If your husband has caught a STI of whatever type, he may say he caught it from you.

There are such things as NSU and (as you say) thrush which are capable of being passed on but are not necessarily caused by having unprotected sex with an infected person.

I agree with hadenoughnow, please wait for confirmation before taking the matter up with him.

I hope it isn't syphillis.

Hadenoughnow & Oldie
Thanks to you both for your words of support and caution - I'm still not sure what I'm going to do but you have given me a few more angles to explore
Thanks again

Careful !
The real issue isnt the sti its whether you trust him. I wouldnt wait if u think hes having an affair takea note of any changes in behavior over a fortnight then sit done and look at the facts. Too many coincidences and confront him.
Hope it all turns out okx