Help needed

I have just separted from my wife after nearly 5 yrs of marriage. We had lived together for 3 years prior to that.
We both had children from previous relationships. My wifes son was nearly 3 yr old when we met and his father hasnt paid any maintenance for him. I have a son, who is the same age as my wifes son, he lives with his mother and is disabled. The kids used to get on quite well until approx 18 months ago when we all went on a family holiday. Anyway to cut a very long story short, my wife said she didnt want me to bring my son to the house anymore and I had to take him to my parents to spend time with him. I was still expected to do things with her son and did for a while, but a began to resent this and the relationship between him and me has gone rapidly down hill. The atmosphere in the house was like a war zone between us and this has taken a toll on the marriage. Also my wife started going out on nights out and coming in late, getting text messages which she wouldnt let me see. I accused her of having an affair and said she looked like a prostitute after getting ready to go out one night.The one thing that showed me that there was a big problem was when I sent her a Valentines card, flowers and chocs and she didnt get me one (as she always did).This has culminated in my wife deciding that she wants a trial seperation because she doesnt know what she wants or if she still loves me.
In hindsight I wish I had handled the situation better, but I think the damage has been done. She says that she has now got to put her son first. I dont want the marriage to end, I love my wife very much and don't want to lose her. Ive said that I will change the situation between her son and me, but I dont think that is enough. What else can I do?

Hi,

I can see two main issues here.

1. The issue of your son no longer being able to come to your house.

I am guessing the boys are about 11 years old now. It sounds like resentment has been building gradually and that you have failed to communicate this to your wife and have let it effect your relationship with her son. I am not judging you, just trying to clarify the position. You don't say whether the decision your wife took not to let you see your son at your home was to do with his disability; his behaviour or that it just became apparent the boys didn't get on.

2. The issue that you believe your wife maybe having an affair.

Clearly whether your wife is having an affair or not, she obviously feels that her life needs an injection of something to make it good.

So, unless you can now start communicating with her, I cannot see how you can save your marriage. Not wishing to say that the marriage is over but you do need first understand what your own issues are in the relationship before you can decide what you want to try and do with your marriage. Maybe things have just drifted since the holiday and neither of you can see a way forward.

Maybe you could suggest couple counselling or Relate.

I hope that you can start to communicate about how you got to where you are or at least be clear in your head whether you can see a way back.

One thing I would say is try to talk about your feelings about a situation and not put the blame on your wife. I think we are all guilty of not communicating our feelings sometimes and things then fester and become more than they should.

Well, best of wishes,

Regards, Sarah

Hi Heat

Firstly - welcome to Wiki, I am sure that you will find the site a great source of help, advice and support.
Re your wife - it does seem, at first glance, that her behaviour is unfair, apart from calling her names, have you tried to talk to her about why she wants to go out so often? It may be that she feels undervalued at home, or simply wants to have some fun. It does sound as though things at home have been strained for quite a while. im not sure if I would want to send you a Valentine's card if you said I looked like a "prostitute", either. However, words spoken in anger are often hard to retract, and forgive. Although you say you wish the marriage to continue, have you told your wife this, and that you want to change the sitution between you and her, not just you and her son. if you feel unable to speak to her face-to-face, you could try writing her a letter, explaining how you feel - this will give you time to think about how to word things, and to explain your feelings and thought in a constructive manner.

Any mother will put her own offspring first - this is nature. Step-parenting requires a great deal of dedication, is challenging and can be immensly rewarding. You say that everyone got on until a family holiday 18m months ago, did something happen on this holiday to trigger the children falling out? It seems unfair that you are now unable to bring your son to your home, after all he is part of your family too. Is it not possible for you to spend time with your son, while your wife spends time with hers - quality time, some call it. This was something that worked well for my dad and step-mum with their respective children, as well as spending time all together as a family unit.

A trial separation may give you both time to think about your relationship with each other, and the 2 children involved, and to re-evaluate what is important to you, and how prehaps you might go forward from here.

Ruby

Thanks for you reply Ruby. It went wrong on holiday because we were all living in each others pockets for a week, my wife is not very tolerable. Anyway the two boys were fighting, she thinks I molicodled (dont know if thats right)
him because he is disabled (has Cerebral Palsy) So 'she' decided that she didnt want him staying with us anymore, so every other weekend I see him at my parents house. So I do have quality time with him and she has time with her son.

The reason I said she looked like a prostitute was, she had just had breast implants done, she had a low cut bodice type top on, short skirt, knee high boots and loads of make-up. This is not what she normally wears or looks like. Thats why I said it, in hindsight I wish I had kept my gob shut. I have apologised and told her why I said what I did.

I am a jealous bloke, she is very pretty, has a superb figure, and doesnt look 39. (I am 8 years older than her)
Also she is a Police Officer and works in an all male part of the service (shes the only woman in this specialist role)
And I am a retired Police Officer and know what can and does go on.

To be honest I think the relationship between her son and me can be easily fixed. I think she is using this as an excuse because she doesnt want to admit to having/had an affair.

We are meeting tonight to try and see if we can find some solution to the problem. I am prepared to do anything (within reason) to save our marriage. Deep down I don't think she wants too, and that hurts me alot.

Hi again Heat

I hope that you both manage to find some kind of way forward during your talk tonight - are you prepared to forgive her is she has had an affair - that may be a question you need to think about beforehand.
Your wife is the same age as I am, and i can tell you, from a woman's point of view that we feel a great deal of pressure to keep looking young and attractive (I have a 15 year old daughter - which makes me feel even older), maybe she is feeling that pressure and reacting to it?
I know about the male-dominated world of the police-force - my x2b was an officer for 27 years, and know that many female officers face a tough time within the force.
I hope all goes well for you tonight -

take care
Ruby

Well i've just got back in from our meeting. Good news and bad news though. She does want me to come back, however not until Thursday. Theres going to be alot of hard work ahead on my part, she won't tell me that she loves me, and I don't think she feels 100% happy, but its a start and all I can do is give it a go. If it doesnt work out then I can at least say I tried. One good thing, we can all still go on holiday next week, which has been booked for ages, so that should help. I'll keep you posted on how it pans out. (I also got two snogs which I thoroughly enjoyed before we parted. I might sleep better now!!)

so pleased for you. im in a similar situation where my hubby says he has feelings for me but doesnt want to come back yet. i hope it works out for you and as you say you wont know till you try. it will be strange at first and will take time so go easy and enjoy your holiday as best you can
take care