Urgent advice- talking divorce with my ex tonight

So far everytime I've posted people have been swift to help and given my some great advice so I'm pushing my luck again.
Husband of 12 years now been living own road with new woman and kids for 2 mths following sudden and unexpected departure. He seems happy to drift along playing at his new life with the vague plan that if it doesn't work out he'll move on or even come back.

When I mentioned divorce before he freaked but I've come to the conclusion that while I love and care about him, he's moved on and I am going to and divorce will help that process however draining it is and it will also give me peace of mind financially. The alternative is this limbo existence and judging by the speed and suddeness of his departure and the lack of communication that he was planning this beforehand my marriage is clearly over.

Have had initial free consult with solictor (which was such a horrible feeling), have done my internet research so am armed to discuss and petition him. He wanted to come round tonight for a cup of tea and a catch up (!) but I need to know how to play it as ideally I want to raise the issue again, run through the facts and get him to agree that we'll divorce. I don't think I can do the sit and chat about how lovely his life his as well. I am terrified of getting upset or vicious - HELP?

I only wish you good luck! Would not make him a cup of tea when he arrives, just sit him down and explain that things can't carry on as they are and go through what you need to do. If you have any issues regarding him becoming angry, could you not ask a friend to be in the house at the same time (but out of the room). If things become heated ask him to leave but make sure he understands where you want to go with this. Being positive and prepared shows that you are ready to start the battle (and it will be). Be strong, be wise and be firm.

Best wishes

Hi diamond

Good for you, ready to try to end the limbo that you talked about. Justabouthadenough has given good advice, and there isnt much more I can add to that, except, be reasonable at all times. This is not easy to do, I know from my own experience, but by being resonable, you cant give him ammuntion to use any words said in the heat of the moment against you. When I broached the subject with my x2b, I made sure that I had some facts to back up my reasonings, and as you have already been to see a sols,and done some reasearch you now have those facts.

I wish you luck with tonight, please let us know how you get on.

Ruby

Glad to hear that you're going to give yourself a chance to rebuild your life and not let him think that you're sitting at home waiting for him to return to you. Would you really want him after he's been with someone else? You deserve so much more and need to stay strong when he comes round. Tell him that you have consulted your sol about starting divorce proceedings and need to move on. If he freaks out, show him the door before his emotional blackmail starts to work. Remember, he made the choice to walk into the arms of someone else. You're just making the choice to be your own person again...
Best of luck
Puffafish

Hi all and many many thanks for the great advice, it really helped prepare m mentally to play hard ball so I managed to stay cold and calm even though as it happened it didn't go quite as planned!

Estranged hubby came in and tried to chat, asked me loads of questions about how I was, what I had been doing and I said I was fine and reeled off all the things I am doing and planing to do inc. new salsa course with my new dance partner and several holidays with male and female mates and he looked a bit shell shocked that I wasn't in a heap sobbing. I'm not superwoman and what he has done has hurt like hell but I'm really lucky, have always been independent and had interests and have a great support network.

After about 30 mins of this one way dialogue I gave in and asked him how he was and he said sort of OK and I said why - apparently it is because he misses me a lot, Miss Wonderful with 2 kids who he hardly knew isn't Miss Wonderful after all and he thinks he'll be moving out of there before the summer. Well I must be really shallow because I did smirk, that's all it took to make me feel 100 times better!

He asked me if it/us is really broken and I've told him calmly how much he's hurt me, let me down by not communicating to me about the fact he was miserable and had changed his mind about not wanting kids or being honest and decent and just running off to chase something new and different who let him play at being dad.

I've told him to go away and think long and hard about what he wants and if appropriate to talk to me and I'll at least listen as after 12 years I'm prepared to do that. However he's in no doubt that if he does say he wants to come back he's going to have to work very hard and I mean move out from house with her, live on his own and get his act together and try and date me. And while we're at it, go to Relate with me and continue to let me buy him out of the house.

I don't know what will happen, whether he'll ask to come back, whether I'd have him but in the meantime I'm getting on with life. So thanks again for all your help and if you see me posting on here being feeble and looking like I'm going to welcome him back with open arms then yell at me loudly.

Being left/mucked around by someone you love and trusted is a killer so to everyone out there who is going through the wringer and in many cases are far worse off than me, hang on in there and remember that you are worth a hell of a lot more and no matter how much you love someone, how hurt and indignant you are and how much you are scared of being alone, you are still someone special and deserve to be treated that way.