Should I stay separated or start divorce proceedin

Hi everyone, need some more advice please as a bit wobbly at present - knoew I was doing too well - in denial!!

I have found the last week really hard for some reason, maybe the reality of being separated so suddenly and my husband playing happy families down the road has sunk in finally and I realise how much I do love him and it's not just missing someone being there. Ironically enough I really trusted him and he gave me a solid foundation - he didn't make me happy but he gave me the security to be if that makes sense at all. When we talk or see each other he is back to the man I fell in love with and that's hard.

I'm being very careful to only talk or email my husband on practical matters like transferring the house to me etc and so far I have to give him credit for being reasonable and helpful. I'm deliberately not instigating contact on a sociable or personal level however hard it is. However he calls, texts and emails me to check how I am and how things are going and I don't know how to take it. I suspect it is because he cares for me not that he wants to come back but I still don't really know why or how we got to this state and I'm really surprised to find myself wishing we maybe could try again at some point. That sounds so feeble given what he's done and maybe it wouldn't work, maybe we have changed/want different things, maybe I could never trust him again but it is hard to throw away 12 years of what was a good relaionship so suddenly.

We are talking about practicalities and I'm pushing these through but not the emotional stuff, I'm the one who raised divorce and he seemed to freak.

I suspect what I should do is carry on as I am and if he raises the possibility of trying again further down the line then think long and hard how I feel and what we'd need to tackle rather than charge in there and say well have you made a mistake? But I'm scared that if I don't show some emotion and say something he'll think I'm fine/better off without him and won't even consider talking to me if he does want to. HELP!

diamondangel,
Ouch! You are in a very difficult position emotionally. Even though my STBX terminated the relationship, I had hoped that we could work things out given time.

The last 12 months have been difficult for both of us, as we obviously care ABOUT each other, but she doesn't love me. I have swayed between 'Maybe there is hope' to 'New life for me' so many times that it isn't funny. The way we have reacted with each other has been very strange. Forced 'standoffishness', deliberate 'point scoring' actions, but all the time making sure in the background that each is OK in some way or other. But never letting on to each other that we do care. My feelings for her remain, but are slowly ebbing away. I feel that they will always be there, but will fade.

He has moved on, but left you in emotional no man's land. He is coming back to make sure you are OK because he feels guilty, like my STBX. But you have to ask yourself, what if he doesn't come back for good? Are you prepared to spend the rest of your life pining for him?

Better to take the emotional hit now, and if something happens in the future, it happens for the right reasons. Why should you keep a light burning for him 'just in case'? If he wants you , he has to fight for you! And if he does come crawling back, you better be very, very cold at first. Make him win you back. Because you are worth more than that. Don't become a doormat. Harsh, but true.

Take care, and make the right decision for the right reasons,

Mike

Following on from Mike 62, I have been separated for a year. I moved out of my home after another period of tension which ended with my wife requesting separate bedrooms. In hindsight(what a wonderful invention) I re-acted too quickly and emotionally. Whatever you do, think it through carefully and then think again. My own situation is that my feelings are very similar to Mike's in so much as I still have tremendous feelings for my wife. I still have very dark days, but do have some very enjoyable days in the company of friends, both old and new. I have had some hurtful things said to me, some hitting home, some ,I feel, wide of the mark.This is such a emotional time for both parties. I feel, despite the devasation I feel, I have used the last year to learn about myself and I have realised that I had become someone I did not care for too much. My wife seems to be moving on quicker than me, although she tells me that she had been trying to save the marrige for two years previous,Whilst my head was buried in the sand. Saving a marriage is not something one partner can do alone.

Hi everyone, thanks for the recent advice. Still very wobbly but hanging on in there. I saw my recently departed husband at the weekend when he came to dog walk and it was pretty emotional and we both ended up in tears and it's hard when we both still love each other and care about each other although he clearly doesn't care enough! I need to do something decisive rather than wobble around in emotional limbo, it isn't doing me any good to have him around and it's letting him have 2 women in his life in a way.

So I'm thinking about suggesting that we don't have any contact of any kind apart from over practicalities. I'm terrified of cutting the ties so suddenly and being completely forgotten but I think I'm still fulfilling a role that his new partner isn't and we need to move on. I did think this morning about seeing if he'd go to Relate with me - not necessarily to save the marriage as think that is a pipe dream but to try and understand how we got here and more importantly get some closure and peace and help in how to get through this in the least painful way. I don't know if he would do that but is is worth asking or am I mad?? Sorry to be so feeble, I was completely unprepared for this and am ashamed I'm being such a wimp!