Mediation - am I being childish?

Hi folks,

Could someone talk some sense into me please. I think I am probably am being stupid and over reacting but I seem to no longer trust my own judgement.

We are supposed to be having our first proper joint mediation meeting next Wednesday. However I received an email two days ago from stbx saying he wasn't prepared to pay for a CEB on his police pension (£1000) and that we could sort out the finances without it. To me as I am hoping to offset the pension for equity in the house it is absolutely vital. He has had over two months since the first separate session to find this value out. He truly believes I am entitled to not a lot anyway and I am going to have a considerable battle on my hands to start with.

I feel physically sick at the thought of sitting in the same room as him as he has been extremely cruel and is very self assured whereas I am a nervous wreck in situations like this. I simply don't want to subject myself to being in his company if it appears to be pointless.

I feel now we should delay the mediation until he has obtained this information. I have drafted an email to say I won't be attending but know I need to pause and think before pressing send.

Are there any ramifications to not turning up ? Am I being a child by not wanting to face him ? It just seems pointless without the valuation but I know I act before thinking sometimes so any advice would be welcomed.

Hi there,
Your not been a child by not wanting to face him at all.
Yes, I think there could be ramifications if you didn't turn up further down the line though. You can request separate rooms, this is called shuffle mediation. The mediator speaks to one party in one room, then the other. Try and put your trust in the mediator though, they have seen all this before and will be able to handle the situation.
If you do go in the same room, keep calm, listen to what is said and don't interrupt your ex. Before you speak, pause and think. That way you can always request he does the same. The mediator will ask him to provide CETV of his pension for the next meeting.
I know it's hard, but don't let him get to you anymore.

Good luck

Thank so much Carlsberg71 for your reply.

It's crazy to think you loved and lived with someone for 18 years yet suddenly the thought of being in the same room as them makes you ill. I haven't seen him since December which has helped me a lot.
Unfortunately as he is paying for the sessions he has refused to pay the extra for shuttle mediation as he doesn't see what 'my problem' is. Apparently as I have a big heart I should be happy for him finding true love at last. Yes he really said that.

I just think he is playing games, re the pension, he knows exact what it's worth is likely to be, and expects me to go along with it like I always did for an easy life. I hope you are right about the mediator being able to reign him in. He is so confident and used to speaking in public etc. Which is the exact opposite of me even before all this happened and now I have the self belief and confidence of a gnat. I know in my heart I am being pathetic and weak but as I still cry at the drop of a hat and I don't want him to see it. I will try to pause before I speak, but it's not a specialty of mine !!! I will just think of my brilliant kids and what they need and try not to get browbeaten. I am sure I had a backbone once back in the mists of time.

I guess the grown up thing to do is go along and do my best and refuse to book another session until he has the pension valuation. Deep breath...

Thanks again for your support.

Hi again,
Just to let you know it doesn't cost any extra at all for shuffle mediation. I know that for sure as I did it and I paid the normal fees.

Sorry to reply again, but do believe in yourself, don't settle for what's not right, not just for you, but for your children too. This can be a long, horrible process but things do get better.

Good luck with it, you'll be fine.

Thank you for taking the time to try and bolster my shattered confidence!

I did actually speak to the mediation service and they were the ones who told me it would cost more as they would have to hire two rooms and obviously it would take longer with the mediator having to go from room to room. But we'll see how the first one goes and if it is bearable.

All I want is a fair settlement, he just has made me feel that somehow I am trying to be vindictive because of what he did and take away his hard earned money. I really am not. He has worked hard and I appreciate that, but I just want what we need to house ourselves and not live on the breadline, whilst he lives the life of Riley. I don't want or need him to suffer I just need him out of my life so he can't hurt me anymore. But to be fair he has always been very tight so I am not expecting anything to be easy.

I want mediation to work, to save time and money but I don't have high expectations. Did you manage to work everything out through your mediation ?I haven't heard many positive outcomes which worries me.

Hi Hatton,

How did your mediation go? Hope it went well.