No communication

Hi, We have just had our second mediation. I had done a lot of research before the session to see what both my wife and I can expect to get out of it. I printed out mortgage details, child care agreement forms, working tax credit advice all for my wife. However, at the mediation she would not even talk to me and when I tried to give her the information she was not interested. The mediator asked her to look into all this as well but she says I want the house and the kids and half the mortgage and will not budge. We are due to have another session in January but she will not even talk to me via emails now. Is there any point in paying when nothing is going to get resolved and what happens after mediation. I want the house sold and to give her all the equity so she can buy another house and I put a mesher order on that house, this way I am released from the mortgage and I can move on.

Hi
Mediation will only work if both of you want it to.
We went to mediation Jan 2013 and after much discussion a settlement was made and my sol drew up a Consent Order. We are now in Dec 2014 and my ex still has not signed it. Why I don''t know, he says he has no problem with it but it remains unsigned.
I spent around 1000 pound on mediation and drawing up the order and in our case it was money down the drain.
If you aren''t together on this it will fail.

Mediation isn''t likely to work if you start from fixed positions. Holding onto a fixed idea of what you want and arguing for it alone is the adversarial "you versus me" approach or zero sum game. Each side starts with an extreme position and proceeds from there to negotiate and make concessions. The problem is as negotiations progress the parties tend to be more committed to their positions constantly restating and defending them.

That wastes time and money, and damages long term family relationships more than necessary. There is every probability no agreement will be reached. Alternatively neither party will be satisfied with any agreement reached because it''s a compromise reflecting a mechanical splitting of the difference between final positions.

A more constructive and efficient way to negotiate is to first identify each others interests and look for collaborative win-win resolution that meets the needs and concerns of both sides.



julie321, it isn''t necessarily money down the drain. Even though your ex hasn''t signed the agreement you should have some idea about what can be agreed, what might be agreed and what the outstanding issues are. If you hadn''t gone to mediation the costs of exchanging solicitors'' letters to find out that information could have been the same or more.

So what is the solution, I am happy to look into various options, her buying me out, mesher orders, 100% equity to her etc. however, she will not even entertain the idea, she has already threatened to get me out the house through court and I am at the end of my tether. If she won''t do what the mediator has asked then where do we go from here, will she just take me to court?

I think you need to back track a bit and at the next mediation session try to find out why your wife feels as she does and why she is demanding what she is demanding - What are her concerns? Fears? Hopes? Be clear that you are asking these questions so you can understand her interests better, not because you are challenging her or trying to figure out how to beat her.

Then you can ask yourself how she perceives your demands. What is standing in the way of her agreeing with you? Does she know your underlying interests? Do you know what your own underlying interests are? If you can figure out her interests as well as your own, you will be much more likely to find a solution that benefits both sides.

Also think of the potential consequences of any agreement you are proposing as your wife sees them. Essentially it is a case of weighing pros and cons from the perspective of the other side. Then you will be in a better position to negotiate an agreement that will be acceptable to both of you.

Well I guess mediation is out the windows. I got home this evening and asked if we could talk later when her parents had gone home and started a violent argument with her family threatening to hit me. I have now left the house but fear for my children. I just want all this to end

Fiona
My ex said there was no problems at all with the order but just hasn''t signed. I have just left it now for him to make the next move as where I am at the moment is no hardship to me.