who am I

Hi there!

I had been with my husband for 31 years when he left, so I do know how adrift you can feel when everything you thought was real turned out to be not so.

But many, many people have to find new lives - through being widowed, deserted, divorced, redundant or because their children fly the nest.

You can choose to feel "unlabelled" or make your own label.

In my case, I am living singly (though I have one son and sometimes both staying with me). In the early days I joined a book club and a film club to get out and meet people who didn''t know my history and weren''t thinking "poor thing, she''s been dumped".
I realised that most of the people who did know me weren''t thinking that at all, of course. Mainly they were thinking what a twerp my ex was.

If you act as though you are fine, you may find you are feeling fine eventually. I rememberered gradually the person I used to be before the ex and my children claimed all my time and attention and decided I liked me!

But I also remember in the early days telling my counsellor that I felt like a sponge that had been squeezed so hard, it didn''t know what shape to spring back to.

Try not to worry about how you are going to feel in the future. You don''t know. It''s so easy to fret about what might happen when it also might not, or to regret the past, which you can''t change.
i found Mindfulness helpful - which helps you to focus on the here and now, which is after all the only thing we can be really sure of.

Best wishes.

I liked the person that I was when I was married. I would do anything for anyone. People were always asking me to help with their animals and I was always there to do it. Its my job but so much more than that.
I dont like the person im turning into. I feel used when people ask me now. Probably because im tired all the time. I could say no but then I would be giving in to the person I dont want to be. Could do with a break but until the weather gets better there is no chance of that.
Going to start my diary from 1st April and start filling in the blanks. Need to get back to the person I was.
Thanks everyone for your lovely words, will get through this "holiday" period, and start again.
x

Many of us lived as a group. Its called a family.
I remember the first day of school for my daughter and how I had to hand over care to someone else.
Then the day she left for uni and suddenly there was no routine of someone coming home from school.
Then my x left and the house became totally empty.

Nobody left in the morning. Nobody returned at school time or end of work time.

Somehow we almost set our clocks by this routine. Then suddenly we are on our own.

The very reasons for our existence seem to vanish leaving us with a void where the only person we have to look after is ourselves.

If it wasn''t for an over complex legal system that now seems to consume every single available moment during the day we could probably recover much faster. Money that we could have used to better purposes seems to vanish at a greater rate than a petrol pump dial.

It takes time to get over the turmoil and realise that the only person you have to really take care of is yourself. (I am referring to to situations with older children) You now have complete freedom to mould your life in any way you want. Often though we cling to the security of what we salvaged and fear to venture into that big wide world of experiences and opportunity.
Self esteem and confidence are shattered.

As I have said before this has been caused by only one person. The rest of the world does not think you have 2 heads or a tail!!

Oh you will make mistakes believe me. But didn''t you make them before you were in a relationship ? So basically you have to get back to the mindset you were years go. Free to plan your future, Free to do what you want. Free to make mistakes !!

I found it really funny that not one new group I encountered rejected me. I was treated just like everyone else. Some groups were not for me and some were so you learn to decide which direction you want to go in.

After all. Nobody controls your time any more so you are free to do what you want.

So try new things.!!! The worst that can happen is that you don''t like it.

I too thought have thought this,questioned my place....
After being with someone for over 30 years,highs and lows,sharing births and deaths,we sort of mould into each other(or sort of thought this way)I think we all lose some of our individuality.
I was proud to be a wife,a mother,sister and friend,then my tsunami happened and who was I ???

I was still a mother,a sister and a friend,just not a wife anymore,but because I am no longer a wife,my other relationships have become deeper.I know that sounds strange,but because I have been to that darkest of places and survived,I am totally open to letting the people who matter,know exactly my thoughts,and in return I suppose they are also more open.
My family mean the Absolute to me,so to them I am still Mam and sister,but because of my divorce and how low I was,they all rallied to support me,and maybe we all realised that family mean everything,and it really does,nothing or nobody can take the place of them...

So now who am I?
I am a Mam,a sister,a Aunty,and a friend...
I am someone who has the ability to go where I want(money allowing)
I am someone who loves to laugh..
I am someone who cares..
Most importantly I am a survivor,who has been blessed with the most precious gift of my darling grandson.....

With referance to Polar''s post,we do all live in a group,no matter how that family is made up ,but a very dear friend said to me at my darkest time..

"San,you have your circle with a little chink missing,he has that little chink(himself)but not the rest of the circle"

Sums it up for me,I am still me,just more open but now finding it difficult to trust others...
My friends say that I have changed since it has happened,maybe they are right,we all became insular in our marriages,now I have to offer that hand of friendship to others,life can be lonely when you isolate yourself....

Now we can be who we want to be,we have this one life,so make yours count,go be a Unicorn or Pole dancing queen,this is your time to shine...

By the way,I am still a Mrs on everything,purely because I could not be arsed wasting anymore time on sorting out menial things like that...
I am me and if you don''t like me...Tough !!!

Cwtchs
Afon xx

I was trying hard to get back to ''being myself'', failing dismally and making things worse when a dear friend (who happens to be asleep next to me at this moment) pointed out that I was never going to be the same person after the devastating experience I''d been through. Somehow realising that I was going to be a different me was freeing and exciting, scary but a positive opportunity and has turned out to be one of the best things that has ever happened. I think I was lucky having the lightbulb moment so early in the divorce process but I think it happens for everyone at some point so hang in there the best is yet to come.

Oh Itsbeen - I felt a sad jolt of recognition when I read your post.

I remember in the early days of this calamity, I was talking to an old friend on the phone, and crying. He gently said to me'' You keep talking about being a good wife. I don''t think of myself as a husband, but as a person.'' And that gave me a huge shock. I had forgotten about that, but looking back on the many lessons I have learned in the last few years, I realise that I was (perhaps all my life) what is called a co-dependent. Of course if one is married and a stay at home mum, the temptation to seek validation through one''s husband and children is great. Thinking about it now, I wonder about your ''label'' analogy. I wore the label that rubbed off on me as wife and mother, but had none of my own. That feeling that I was nothing without those I loved, cared for and ''promoted'' in a way was unhelpful. That label has been torn off, I need to design my own.

I''m still very much a work in progress, but truer to myself now. It is hard if you don''t know who ''you'' are, but kind of interesting and fun to find out (as well as a bit scary).

Don''t get me wrong: I am still depressed. But I think maybe I was depressed before and didn''t really know it. Post separation I used to grieve for the past, or for the future (retirement, grandchildren etc) that I thought I would have. Now I think I grieve for the me that was left behind, that was subsumed, or that hid.

The other thing that struck me in your post was the fear of the Absolute, and being divorced. When my Absolute came (though I never wanted to divorce) I was indifferent. It really was just a bit of paper. The ''unmarriage'' had happened gradually and over a long period, not overnight, and the absolute made no difference. I think you may find,s many here have, that it is a bit of an anticlimax.

Take care and be kind to yourself. You''re facing a lot of changes, but you will manage and it will all be OK. Trust yourself because really, even if you don''t know how (I didn''t) you will manage.

I think Eliza that you have lost purpose.

Putting it bluntly you were living either through that other person or using them to validate your being there.

I have posted how losing my daughter when she went to uni. Suddenly there was a void.

We are all guilty of using our x as a crutch. For example (and this applies to both sexes) we might go to a function where one party knows everyone and you are the odd one out.
In fact I have to admit that when I go out on the town I prefer to know someone when I get there . My crutch. But from knowing one person the group grows.

Its funny how we let one person control our lives and our identity.
We have to recover that identity to a level we are happy with. Life is not always a bed of roses but finding the bright spots is the key. Book a singles break away. Go to the cinema by yourself. Charity work. Anything to challenge yourself.
Time passes so quickly and you will find that if you don''t do it now you won''t have the energy to do it later .