Sadness in my Heart

Gosh I really hate this roller coaster!

I have this deep saddness in my heart and I guess it''s just part of the grieving process that comes with divorce.

Now don''t get me wrong - it''s me that wants the divorce and I still have no doubts about that, however I am really struggling with not being able to be his friend

I believe that he is lying to me and that he is seeing or at least starting to try to see someone else. This is fine as I wouldn''t want him to be single the rest of his life! However it''s the lies that he''s telling me to refute it. Some of them I have proof that it''s a lie and other''s it''s almost irrefutable but I can''t quite prove it.

Now the sensible voice in my head would say it''s his life and not yours and so what if he is lying - you don''t want him so just get over it. However the kind hearted voice in my head is saying just be nice and be a friend. Then my moralistic voice comes marching in with a voice louder than a toast master on a megaphone saying ''you don''t friend liars, you don''t allow dishonesty in your life - don''t you dare be nice to him!''.

Arrrgghhh - just want this to end! Please tell me I am not the only one that goes through these stupid phases!!

MooToo wrote:

Arrrgghhh - just want this to end! Please tell me I am not the only one that goes through these stupid phases!!

Your not. And its always a problem when the other party attempts to move on. When you see him out arm in arm then you will have to deal with those emotions. And talking of emotions...

Emotions are like speeches. If you rehearse them then there is a better change of a good outcome. Because when the event happens to trigger that emotion, there is a ready made response sat in the wings that springs into action. It works. How do you suppose that these people do and say the right things all the time? They are rehearsed. So practice how you want to feel when you do know for certain that he is with someone else, she is having a baby by him and a wedding is on the cards etc etc etc. These are all things you could face and each one has an emotion attached to them. You were an item once and of course you are not going to have a positive view of anything he does in this regard no matter what you outwardly say.

But rehearsing emotions is hard. It means you have to face all your worst nightmares. Like him visiting a fave place of yours for instance. A restaurant or perhaps she meeting your joint friends and maybe his family. Her standing where you stood etc. Dont shrug it off. This will impact you. And the more prepared you are the better you will be able to deal with it.

But as I said to you before. Being the initiator is tough. Double tough. You have the guilt and doubt of doing the deed and also the grieving for your loss. He just has the grief. And of course the anger.

Can you ever be friends? I doubt it. And the reason is? You were more than friends before. And its really hard to step back over that line and demote your relationship back to friends. You will always have that friends + status to contend with and by and large it does not work.

But we all mostly have a problem. That problem is we hate to say good buy. And this is one case where you need to say good buy. As otherwise, neither of you can turn the page for your new lives. If you remain friends then there will be chains to bind you to your old life. And neither of you will want that. And there is always the danger that you could start an affair with him whilst he is seeing someone else. Then you become the Other Women. No sister. You dont want this. And if you think this is not me? Think again. Anything is possible and anything does happen and you would not be the 1st. I know lots of people that this has happened to. My best friend for instance was pregnant by her ex. And she was divorced for a long time. And outwardly she hated him and him her.

As for the lies. This is fairly normal. I can guess but chances are that what I say wont be the reason. But taking some random guesses I would say:

* He doesn''t want to share what he has with you.
* He feel bad about seeing someone else. It feels like cheating.
* He is angry with you and wants to **show you**

But honestly? The reasons for the lies are many. But what should your response be? I think the sensible side should be listened to.

Tough isnt it? This is perhaps the hardest thing you will ever do. Everything after this is easy peasy. Marshy.

Thanks Marshy - the voice of reason as ever

I just need to try and practice how to be nice to him when he is over at the house and not just blank him!

MooToo wrote:

I just need to try and practice how to be nice to him when he is over at the house and not just blank him!

Not a great idea trying to be nice to him. He will see thru you. Marshy.

Marshy_ wrote:

MooToo wrote:

I just need to try and practice how to be nice to him when he is over at the house and not just blank him!

Not a great idea trying to be nice to him. He will see thru you. Marshy.

He wouldn''t actually as I have been quite respectful and considerate the last few months. I''ve only had blow outs when I have had reason to question his honesty, which has been in the last few weeks or so. Therefore it''s actually better if I try to stay ''nicer'' and calm. But that''s really hard for me as I know how much the deceit angers me

MooToo wrote:

But that''s really hard for me as I know how much the deceit angers me

If it was a friend say that was acting this way then maybe you would feel disappointed that he or she was treating you this way. But he is an ex. And ex''s are special as we disconnect ourselves from them emotionally. And getting emotional with him does you no good. Solves nothing and makes matters worse. Perhaps an aim of yours could be that you get him out of your life as quickly and cleanly as possible. With that motivation in your clasp, perhaps you could ignore what he does and with whom. Your actually treating him like a partner or husband. Which he is on paper but thats all. He is nothing to do with you now.

You own your emotions. All of them. Including anger. And you can decide how you will react. I know it sounds fanciful. But it works. Try poker. That teaches you lots as its a people game played with cards. Deciding how we will be and how we will feel goes a long way to us actually being the way we should be. Anger has no place anywhere in life. Its a useless emotion like Guilt. Marshy.

How did you get so wise Marshy

You are right, I have to disconnect.