Such a mess

MooToo wrote:

Thanks for your reply Marshy

Ok no problem. Couple of things.

Its usual to justify what the dumper is doing by thinking you are doing the best for him. This is far from being honest with yourself. Doing this is best for you. As for what ever reasons, your doing this. You dont need to actually justify it to anyone. Except yourself. But if you follow this course of thinking, chances are that actually, in the fullness of time, you will realise that actually, it wasnt the best for him. For him, he would want you to stay together. Thats what is best for him.

As for your treatment of him, be honest again. You treated him badly. Thats in the past. Its done. You cant make up for it. Let that go.

But of you want to justify it. Its back to the list. But remove being best for him. Cos its not. But put in the things that he lied to you about. But be honest with this list.

Have you ruined his life? No of course not. He will learn to live without you. But the issues you will face is when he does. And he meets someone new. Thats going to be tough on you.

I kinda made a lie of my new life to my ex. I painted a great life picture without her and I did this to hurt her after what she did to me. And this worked. It sent her in a spin and I must say that on one hand, it deeply satisfied me. On the other? I suffered because of it. So bear this in mind. He may do this to you. Chances are that he will and you have to be prepared for it.

Bottom line here is that you have to be strong to do what you have to do. Yr ex however just has to recover. You have to be strong and also recover. Twice the amount of workload. I dont envy you.

Lastly. Good decisions are hard ones. Just make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons. But all importantly, be prepared to say good buy and also be prepared for him doing well (weather real or otherwise). Marshy.

You are absolutely right Marshy and I know you have said it before. I am of course doing this as it''s ultimately best for me and obviously he doesn''t want it so he doesn''t feel it''s best for him. I guess I mean more that without me treating him the way I have and do then he will be better in the long run.

I''ve already gone through the ''other life'' bit and I think that''s what has pushed me a little over the edge - that added to the stress of the house sale falling through.

It''s certainly a blooming big roller coaster this relationship malarkey!!

MooToo wrote:

It''s certainly a blooming big roller coaster this relationship malarkey!!

Agreed. Its not easy. Its really hard taking apart something that was never meant to be taken apart. When we get with someone, its like joining two pieces of wood at right angles. All easy. Except overtime, other pieces of wood also get joined. That being the house, mortgage, savings, children and so on. But this piece of wood that we joined is in the middle of it all that is your life together. To get it apart we have to tear it apart. Which also damages and disconnects all the other pieces and the whole structure is damaged. Thats how I look at it.

So you have to do what you have to do. No question of that. But understand that in doing so, does a whole lot of damage to everything and everyone around you. Friends take sides. Sometimes children are used in this war (not suggesting this is the case with you. Just being general), savings and property to deal with and perhaps pensions and so on. Its like chucking a hand grenade into someone''s life. Thats what it felt like for me as I am in your ex''s shoes.

Of course there is an afterwards. And its the same for the perpetrator and the victim. You will have to build your life and let go of the guilt etc that goes with disposing of a marriage.

But there are lessons here:

* A relationship is a leap of faith. Its a bit like watching a film. We start watching and we have no idea how its going to turn out. But we know what the film is called and we have a reasonable expectation of the outcome. But the real problem is that we often believe the fairy tale. Thats why people speak of hopes and dreams. Real life has hopes and dreams of course except often they dont happen. And when they dont, we see this as failure. Except its not failure at all. Its life. It does not respect our agenda''s. Life has its own agenda for us.

* People. Ex''s etc. They all a random collection of faults and qualities. We are talking random people here. We have no idea how they are going to turn out in 1, 5, 25 years. And we have no idea how we will turn out in the same time frame. Its a wonder any marriage works at all!!

* We often have needs and wants that sometimes are not met. This leads to frustrations and disappointments.

* We mostly communicate badly. We often do not effectively express our needs and wants and we dont get heard often. We are often blamed for being wining winging so and so''s. If we do complain. And this breeds resentment.

* Above and beyond we forget ourselves and forget that we are an individual. We give ourselves to the **Team** when we should be developing ourselves. And if we do, then this causes friction as we are being seen as **Changed**.

* We often do not stand up for ourselves enough and express our own views. We often "Go along to get along" and allow the other person to believe that they are always right. When actually no one is actually right. Talking of being right, we believe that being right is somehow important. Being happy is actually more important. But we forget that.

Bottom line. People really do not understand people. Often we do not understand ourselves. And its not until we are forced to do so do we embark on a self learning journey. Like now.

Above is not an exhaustive list of lessons. There are many more to learn.
And I am guilty of all of them. Maybe you also.

Anyway. Enough already. Marshy.

Hi Mootoo,

I am reading through your posts and their is so much self blame, in the beginning of our separation I too felt this way, I had also ignored him for a year, but I understand why now, I had tried to connect for a long time and there were so many times the children and I came second, in the end I just shut down. I had to finish the marriage to save myself. I can''t give my self a hard time for that. The whole thing is a mess, he is the one with another woman, yet doesn''t seem happy too me. I guess all I want to say is if you dig deep maybe you treated him that way for a reason, you don''t sound sociopath to to me you sound very caring, maybe just check first that your behaviour wasn''t reactionary, were you getting your wantw and needs met, especially emotional. It is now your job to get yourself better and him his, you are both responsible for yourselves. Him blaming you is perhaps his own failure to look within. I am not justifying my behaviour prior to the breakup or since, I own it. He doesn''t. Remember that old saying it takes two, two to make, two to break. It is broken because we broke it. I would have done anything to fix it, it was too late. Please read up on passive aggression, covert aggression, just incas, and don''t punish yourself for saving you self. Xx

Hi Berrygoblin

Thank you for such a lovely post. There was ultimately a reason but sadly it''s not down to him not being attentive, he would have done anything for me but I literally think l fell out of love with him. I did find him a bit smothering at times. I would often hear myself saying to him to stop treating me like a child or stop being like a dad! I think it is a form of control. In the early years of the marriage I was very poorly and needed surgery a lot and he took on the caring role amazingly. However in the last 8 years I''ve been much better and that role hasn''t been needed so much.

Don''t get me wrong - I''m not totally nnocent in this and I did get involved in an online fantasy world and started to correspond with a man on there but that is as far as it ever went -email. Yes I divulged too much and I feel bitterly ashamed of it but it was just fantasy and I''d never have taken it further, just another symptom of a broken marriage I guest that I felt the need to do it

When we split up the first time round we made a promise to each other thar while we were living under the same roof (trying to sell the house) we wouldn''t see anyone else. I started to suspect something and confronted him, he blatantly denied it at first but then I found irrefutable proof and he went nuts. We did reconcile after 6 months (5 years ago) and tried again but if I''m honest I don''t think I''ve ever trusted him 100% since.

I''ve started to witness the same behaviour again (we are in the process of selling again) I have asked him and again he point blank denies it but I''m almost sure he either is seeing someone or is in the early stages of.

Now don''t get me wrong - it''s his life and none of my business but I have huge trust issues as a result of what he did and how easily he can lie. Lies from a man that I once trusted implicitly.

The same as you - I cannot justify my behaviour as it wasn''t acceptable but I too own it.

Funnily enough with the latest evidence of his lies I''ve found the ability to draw a line in the sand as they say. I am not apologising anymore for how I treated him. I''ve done that a thousand times. I am no longer interested in trying to help heal his pain (that I caused) I''m done with it all. I really don''t think we''ll ever be friends as I simply do not trust him. Yes that saddens me but I have to accept what has happened and try to be a better person moving forward.

The difficulty for now is that we still have the MH to sell. He doesn''t live here as he has rental elsewhere but does have to come over fairly frequently. So it''s those times that I struggle more.

Gosh sorry for the long post, but wanted to send you a reply x