First Hearing - Advice please

Hi there,

My stbx has just requested defined contact through the family court because he is not happy with the pattern of contact he is getting. The hearing is scheduled for a month's time, can anyone give me an idea of what will happen at this first hearing and what I should prepare for? The children are very young only just 4 and 2 so do Cafcass talk to them? Also will I have to be in the same room as my stbx as he is very controlling and belittling?

I have got a solicitor but we are not meeting for a couple of weeks as we are still waiting for a finances court date as he won't pay any maintenance.


Thanks for reading.

Sorry i cant offer any advice but i think my ex will go down this route too - how much contact does he have at the moment and how old is the child?

We live about 150 miles apart as after he left me to move 60 miles away I decided to return to my family and friends. I had originally agreed to fortnightly weekends but the travelling was too much for them as they were leaving home every eleven days and got really disturbed (bed wetting, tantrums, not eating, called to the preschool etc) so I put an end to it. I begged him to consider staying locally once a month to see them so they would travel once a month, but he has steadfastly refused and as far as he is concerned it is fortnightly weekends at his house or nothing and it is for this that he has filed.

So he has been having them for a long weekend a month and two out of three weekend day visits to where I live but as he makes no attempt to control his behaviour towards me in front of the children I have had to have my parents do the handovers in order to prevent a scene - pretty unsuccessfully as he has now started having a go at them too!

Well the scenes at the door are certainly not going to do the kids any good are they and i dont know why he cant see that. Anyway, i do think that they should see him every other weekend, i know i would miss mine like hell if i did not see her for a fortnight. Then again i dont have big issues when she comes home from dads other than the odd - well daddy lets me etc. Let me know what happens, the judge should look at whats best for the kids not the parents.

Absolutely! And that is the irony of this situation. I am letting him see them three out of four weekends and he is applying to see them fortnightly! I don't think this is really about contact, it is about his convenience and his pique about my location. To be honest I am glad that someone else will make the decision as it means he'll be cursing a judge not me whatever happens!

The purpose of the first hearing is to enable the court to find out what is going on in your case: to find out how much common ground there is and what the differences are. If at all possible you will be able to come to an agreement then and the court can formalise that in a 'Consent Order', but only if there are no welfare concerns.

If you don't agree, the court will make 'directions' about what will happen next. You may be able to discuss things with a CAFCASS officer if one is available, otherwise one will have to be appointed, which can take months. The court will direct the officer to investigate the issues in contention and to produce a report; this can take 40 weeks or more, though it is supposed to take 6 for a single issue and 6-12 for 2 or more. The court may also direct you both to prepare a 'position statement' if you haven't already done so.

Obviously if you can agree at the first hearing that is best, but don't feel forced to accept anything you feel is not in your children's best interest.

The court is likely to recommend mediation as a first step, and if one of you is legally aided they will have to agree to this.

CAFCASS will talk to your children if they are mature enough to express their wishes and feelings and will produce a Wishes and Feelings report (www.cafcass.gov.uk/publications/my_needs...es_and_feelings.aspx). You will not have to be in the same room as your stbx when you see CAFCASS but will have to be when you see the judge.

Reading what you have said from a father's perspective, it seems that you are unilaterally deciding what contact your stbx will receive. Inevitably he objects to that: he is just as much a parent as you are; he fears, not unreasonably, that you will reduce contact further unless he gets a court order setting out contact arrangements with which you will both have to comply. Deliberately or not, you have pushed him into taking you to court.

Thanks for this info - very helpful and reassuring. I feel dreadfully for all of us in the mess of our divorce and have strived to keep the children's rights and happiness at the heart of all my decisions. This is a complex situation in which face to face discussion and collaborative law have already failed to resolve any issues so more formal court agreements are the only realistic option for us, and I never thought I'd find myself saying that.