do i tell my 5 year old about the upcoming court..

I think even adult children should be told as little as possible unless they ask direct questions. The battles are between the parents and usually they don't want to be drawn in or to feel that they should be taking sides.

Sadie

Agreed Sadie - my children are now 24 and 26 - there are things about the divorce they still don't need to know. He is their father and I am their mother - and that will always be the case, they simply don't need to know all the details.

Elle - I read your post and agree with much of it. I'm sympathetic to the view.

I know for certain that their father criticised me over many years, as did their stepmother (who came onto the scene several years after the divorce and didn't know anything other than his view). However, to play that game is to invite the children to be partisan. Children cannot be partisan in many cases, they have the right to their own uncorrupted (as far as possible) relationship with both parents.

I just don't think it's fair to ask them to participate - even though either of the parents may do this.

Incidentally, I was PWC - it works both ways Elle

Shezi

thanks everyone for their comments

my only concern is that mum does not hold back when she is angry and i know that she screams and shouts and calls me names infront of my daughter and this court case will make her 100% worse.

I was just trying to see that by saying something to my little one, it might make her understand a bit as to why mummy is so angry

but reading everyones comments, i will happily take them onboard and leave things as they are and just hope that the ex is aware of our daughter around her before kicking off.

thanks again for your support

Hi Mad, your ex sounds like she could be my ex's sister! I have held back from involving my son for over a decade and I now see it as a mistake. She has over the years increased her power over him and everything, denying contact, false accusations, etc.

I am now slowly starting to impart some facts to him and await to see what happens. As another poster said, appeasement does not work.

If the wisdom of Solomon is demanded of you, then surely it should be from her as well?

I think you also have to consider that if you lost your Case, what would you tell the child then? "Oh, Daddy lost, sorry."

The child might then get upset and want to know why and who is to blame etc....

Also, at 5 years old, it is far too young.

abc, I think the best you can do in these circumstances is to encourage children to look generally at things for themselves rather than accepting what they are told. As I said above it is bad enough one parent shouting and screaming and if the other parent confuses them further in many cases the children withdraw within themselves making sense as best it can. In this situation the primary carer is the constant and children at any age cling to the constant. It is in this way a parent telling the 'truth' or 'their side of the story' can actually bring about their own rejection.

Hi. I discussed the court case with my 7 and 5 year olds. Not in too much detail, but I explained why it had to happen (or why I thought it did - in the end I used mediator). All they asked me was what court was, and what a judge was. They didn't think it was anything bad at all, in fact, they thought the judge was going to be helpful - like me sorting out their little fall-outs. It doesn't have to be portrayed as a bad thing and my kids certainly didn't feel bad about it. I don't involve my kids in adult things, but I told them about this as there was a disruption in contact while it was all being dealt with, so I wanted to truthfully explain why - in a way that they'd have some understanding.

Had the judge gone with my proposals (which were always very fair), I wouldn't have said "daddy lost, sorry", I'd have explained why I and the judge considered it would be best for contact to be the way I proposed, rather than the way dad proposed it. I'd make sure they didn't think badly of their dad or I. There are ways to say things so they understand and to make sure they don't think badly of the one who "lost" the case. Generally it's just a case of given the kids the reasons and telling them their dad didn't think about some of the things I pointed out, as he is always very busy and now he's thought about it and a judge/mediator has also said it, he's ok about it.