defined court order

hi there

i have just received a court order for our daughter as my stbx wants his overnight stays reinstated. can you pls advise as to where i would stand on this matter.

i have basically stopped them due to his lack of communication with me i.e having her round his 2nd girlfriend within a year without discussing with me first, i discussed this was not to happen when he had our daughter round his first girlfriend and he agreed with me it was wrong what he did our daughter has only just turned 4 years old and we have only been seperated a year and is just getting used to this. and generally her upbringing he just takes things onto his own accord without discussing things with me first. i.e why me and him split up. i understand children have to have things explained to them which i have done (i purchased a book that explains this to her in her terms) but i think there are certain things they should not be told and have no idea what he has been filling her head with, he has also confirmed to my mum (who tried to talk to him about his communication) he uses our daughter as a tool (tells her things) to get what he wants

in the order he has refused to go to mediation because he doesn't think i will co-operate (yet in another threatning letter from his solicitors wants me to go to mediation with regards to financial matters or he will cut child maintenance money)

i do have an initial solicitors appointment on friday but just need some advice from anyone on here in the mean time as i'm losing sleep ova this matter

Many thanks x

Hi

I live in Scotland and things can be slightly different here but I was told that when my kids were with my x I had no say about where they went, what they did or who they met. It is his time with them and it is up to him what happens. My kids were 7 and 2 at the time and he did say some things to the 7 year old about the split which were untrue. You just have to deal with this and try to explain things when your D asks or tells you about what he has said. It's hard I know but you just need to stay calm and help her deal with the situation. I found once things were sorted and it settled down this stopped happening.
Unless what he is doing is is likely to cause harm (and from what you say I do not think that this would be considered as such) then I don't think you will be able to stop what the court will deem as "reasonable" contact, including overnights. My x took me to child welfare hearing to get holidays with kids, which I didn't object to but felt that we should take things more slowly. I was basically told that if he was fit enough to look after them for the day, he was fit enough to have them for weekends or a holiday straight away.

I am a long way down the road now (6 years)and it has been hard at times but I have found that once everything was sorted out (finance and contact)and written down we all knew where we stood and things settled down. Let your sol know what you want but be prepared to compromise, the more reasonable you can be the better this will be viewed by the court. The contact your x has and what happens during this contact are probably better viewed and dealt with seperately - you can't put conditions or withdraw contact because x doesn't do what you want. That said the court has to put the child's interests first but will want her to have contact with her father.

Good luck

Janey

From the library Post Fiona did:

Schedule of items in relation to the exercise of parental responsibility, identifying those items which require mutual consultation and those which could be exercised unilaterally. A copy of this useful document was attached as a footnote to the judgment A v A [2004] EWHC 142 (FAM).



Decisions that could be taken independently and without any consultation or notification to the other parent.

* How the children are to spend their time during contact

* Personal care for the children

* Activities undertaken

* Religious and spiritual pursuits

* Continuance of medicine treatment prescribed by GP



Decisions where one parent would always need to inform the other parent of the decision, but did not need to consult or take the other parent's views into account.

o Medical Treatment in an emergency

o Booking holidays or to take the children abroad in contact time

o Planned visits to the GP and the reasons for this



Decisions that you would need to both inform and consult the other parent prior to making the decision.

* Schools the children are to attend, including admissions applications.

* Contact rotas in school holidays

* Planned medical and dental treatment

* Stopping medication prescribed for the children

* Attendance at school functions so they can be planned to avoid meetings wherever possible

* Age that children should be able to watch videos. ie videos recommended for children over 12 and 18.



And as a footnote I would stress that breaching a court order will not be taken lightly by the courts.

I've just taken my ex to court for enforcement of a contact order and the judge told her that if she was not happy with the contact order she had to bring it back to court for a variation NOT just take matters into her own hands. Contact has been reinstated and my ex now has to pay costs.


T

thanks for that, i'm not denying him contact i just think its so unfair that he can do what he wants without taking her feelings into consideration and my hands are tied on the matter, i have been there for her since the day she was born and know what is best for her i have to deal with her when she comes back from his and her unsettled and angry behaviour which has got a great deal better since he has had to come to the house to see her. i dont see how they can penalise me for doing whats best for her

Hi again

I know it seems so unfair and you are trying to do what is right for your D. There was one time when my 2 year old was so upset at being away from me that my x had to return her early - and I was still told I had to go along with the order. That said children are very resilient and it is surprising how they learn to cope with things. I am glad now that the kids have had this contact as they have good relationships with all the adults in their lives and they can never have too much support. As a mum it's hard letting go and trusting others with our children (especially when they are so young) but sometimes what we just have to and I think it probably makes the kids adapt better.

Your D will take meeting her dads new girlfriends in her stride and will accept them coming and going (hard but you'll just have to trust your x to do and say right thing here), and I think you should be totally honest and ask yourself is it your own feelings about her being with his OW that are clouding your judgement here?

You so sound like I did all those years ago but I found it was better once it was all in black and white and then you just have to ley it happen and everyone gets used to it.

Janey

thanks again for your opinions but it is not something i am allowing her to be subject to (different coming and goings) i am more than happy to take the consequences on this one
thank you anyway

I just hope you have better luck than I did, I know you will do what you think is right and all the best with the court. Let us know how you get on as it may help others going through something similar

Janey